SNL Transcripts: Madeline Kahn: 05/08/76: Not For Ladies Only


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 19

75s: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon

Not For Ladies Only

Barbra Walters…..Gilda Radner
Marlene Dietrich…..Madeline Kahn

Barbra Walters: Good evening, and welcome to “Not For Wadies Only”. I’m Baba Wawa, and tonight we’ll be talking to an actual wiving wegend – the incwedible Mawene Dietrich.

Marlene Dietrich: Thank you. It’s gweat to be heah.

Barbra Walters: Mawene, what is it wike to be wiving wegend?

Marlene Dietrich: Wet me just say, it’s been a weawy wich expewience.

Barbra Walters: I’m so impwessed. Mawene.. you are so with and swender. How do you stay so swim?

Marlene Dietrich: Swimming keeps me swim. My daily wegimen incwudes swimming twelve waps in my pool. It’s wonderful for my wegs.

Barbra Walters: Mawene, tell us the secwet of your perpetual youth.

Marlene Dietrich: I only eat healthy foods. I get massaged weguwally, and.. I’ve had evewything wifted.

Barbra Walters: [ incredulous ] You mean you’ve had your wegs wifted?!

Marlene Dietrich: Evewything, even my weah.

Barbra Walters: Your what?

Marlene Dietrich: My weah.

Barbra Walters: Your wear?

Marlene Dietrich: What?

Barbra Walters: Dwop it.

Marlene Dietrich: You bwought it up. [ laughing in ] Of course, wooking gwamowous on film isn’t all beauty secwets. A wot of it is wighting. I do all my own wighting.

Barbra Walters: I didn’t weawize you wote.

Marlene Dietrich: I don’t. I wight.

Barbra Walters: You’re weferring to.. [ moves her fingers as though typing ] ..typewriter witing, wight?

Marlene Dietrich: [ pointing to lights ] I’m weferring to ewectwic wighting. You see, in pictures, bwight wighting can be vewy unfwattering, particuwawy if it makes my wegs wook white. Baba, am I wong to want to appear wadiant?

Barbra Walters: No, that’s very weasonable.. [ to herself ] Hawy Weasonuh.. Hawy Weasonuh.. five million dollars.. I’m wich! [ to camera ] Well, we’ve wun out of time. Before we go, I wanted to mention what a beautiful fur you have on. Is it mink?

Marlene Dietrich: No, it’s just a silly wabbit.

Barbra Walters: Well, Mawene, it’s been a weal pweasure. I thank you. [ into camera ] Don’t forget to dwop in next week when our guest will be Elmer Fudd. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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