Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 19
75s: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon
Written by: Al Franken & Tom Davis
Pat Nixon…..Madeline Kahn
President Richard Nixon……Dan Aykroyd
David Eisenhower…..Chevy Chase
Julie Eisenhower…..Gilda Radner
Henry Kissinger…..John Belushi
[ open on Pat Nixon at her desk at San Clemente – half-empty bottle of gin on the desk ]
Voice: Mrs. Nixon, maybe you should go upstairs to bed now.
Pat Nixon: [ drunk, maintaining control ] No thank you, Ron, I’ll be alright.
Voice: Alright. Good night, Mrs. Nixon.
Pat Nixon: Good night.. [ starts writing in her diary ] “Dear Diary.. it’s twelve o’clock, and once again I find myself alone. Dick’s leg swelled up today, and he was in intense pain. Good! The ocean is calm here at San Clemente.. quite a contrast to the stormy final days in the White House. I’ll never forget the night of August 7th.. I had just gone down to the pantry to get some refreshments, when I heard Dick’s voice. As usual, he wasn’t speaking to me, he was talking to Abe Lincoln..”[ flashback to White House hallway – President Richard Nixon talking to Abe Lincoln’s portrait ] [ SUPER: “The White House – August 7, 1974” ]
President Richard Nixon: [ despairing ] Well, Abe, you were lucky. They shot you. Come on clot! Move up to my heart! Kill me! Kill me![ Julie and David Eisenhower enter the room ]
David Eisenhower: Ah, Mr. President? Julie and I were thinking maybe you should go upstairs and get some rest. Maybe things will look brighter in the morning.
President Richard Nixon: [ wincing at the sight of David ] Ugh! He does look like Howdy Doody!
Julie Eisenhower: Daddy, you’re not going to resign, are you?
President Richard Nixon: No, no.. a pessimist would resign. I’m an optimist.
Julie Eisenhower: It’s the pessimists who want you to resign, isn’t it, Daddy?
President Richard Nixon: THat’s right, Princess. Remember that army hospital I visited in Vietnam? There was a young enlisted man from Des Moines, Iowa. He had been hit in the eye with a surface-to-air missile. And he only had four pints of blood left in his body, and as youknow, a man normally has eight pints of blood in his body. Now, the pessimists in this country would say that that boy was half-empty, while I like to think he was half-full!
David Eisenhower: That’s right, Mr. President. You know, I was talking to two reporters from the Washington Post this morning, and they said they thought you were half crazy, but I told them I like to think of you as half-sane!
President Richard Nixon: Thank you. Now, if you’ll leave me alone, I’m in the middle of a meeting.
David Eisenhower: [ looking around for others ] Meeting?
Julie Eisenhower: Okay, Daddy, if it’ll make you feel better. [ she and David leave ]
President Richard Nixon: [ walks over to portrait of JFK ] You! Kennedy. You looked so good all the time. They’re gonna find out about you, too. The president! Having sex with women within these very walls. That never happened when Dick Nixon was in the White House! Never! Never! Never!..
Pat Nixon: “Never.. never.. never.. never.. never.. never.” [ sips drink, gains control of herself ] “I think Henry Kissinger was the first one to suggest that resignation was inevitable. He told Dick not to think of it as a resignation, but as “humiliation with honor”. I think the last time they spoke to each other was on that same night..”[ flashback to White House hallway ]
President Richard Nixon: Never! Never! Never!
Henry Kissinger: [ enters ] Mr. President, Mr. President.. I just spoke mit your lovely daughter und charming son-in-law, und zey expressed a deep concern for your vell-being, which I, of course, share, und zey suggested zat I come down und cheer you up.
President Richard Nixon: You know I’m not a crook, Henry. You know that I’m innocent.
Henry Kissinger: [ long pause.. coughs ]
President Richard Nixon: I am! I’m telling you, Henry: I had nothing to do with the bugging of Watergate! I had nothing to do with the cover-up! with the break-in to Daniel Ellsberg’s psychiatrist’s office! Or with the man who was killed in Florida!
Henry Kissinger: Vhat man was killed in Florida, Mr. President?
President Richard Nixon: You don’t know about the little Cuban who.. ah.. never mind. [ gets on his knees ] Henry, get down on your knees and pray with me.
Henry Kissinger: Mr. President, you’ve got a big day tomorrow, why don’t ve get in our pajamas und go sleepy?
President Richard Nixon: Don’t you want to pray, you Christ-killer?
Henry Kissinger: I don’t vant to get into zat again, Mr. President. Excuse me, I’ve got to go warn the Strategic Air Command to ignore all presidential orders.
President Richard Nixon: Alright, thanks, Henry. [ Kissinger exits the room ] Jewboy! Jewboy! Jewboy![ flashback to Pat at her diary ]
Pat Nixon: “Dick wasn’t anti-Semitic.. he hated all minorities. I remember once an aide referred to the Vietnamese as Gooks and Chinks. Dick said that that was wrong. He said a Chink is someone who’s from China, and is Gook is anyone of the Oriental persuasion. A Chink is always a Gook, but a Gook isn’t always a Chink.. it was that way on that same night in Auguest..”[ flashback to President Richard Nixon talking to a portrait of FDR ]
President Richard Nixon: And you! Franklin Delano Roosenfelt. you were a Jew, too, weren’t you? Jewboy! Jewboy! [ turns to portrait of Lincoln ] What is happening to me, Abe? Everything’s falling apart, Why me, Abe? Why me?![ the lips on Lincoln’s portrait move ]
Voice of Lincoln: Because you’re such a dip![ flashback to Pat at her diary ]
Pat Nixon: [ slurring ] “..because.. you’re.. such.. a dip!”
Voice of President Richard Nixon: Pat! Pat! Where are you? I’m cold.
Pat Nixon: Well, dear Diary, I must close now.
Voice of President Richard Nixon: Pat, it’s chilly in here.
Pat Nixon: Throw another tape on the fire![ fade to black ]