Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 19
75s: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon
Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Madeline … Madeline Kahn
Gilda … Gilda Radner
Jane … Jane Curtin
Laraine … Laraine Newman
[In a darkened suburban living room, four prepubescentgirls huddle with sleeping bags, pillows, aflashlight, etc., around a sofa.]
Madeline: … so then the man gets bare naked in bedwith you and you both go to sleep, which is why theycall it “sleeping together.” Then you both wake up andthe man says, “Why don’t you slip into something morecomfortable?” No, wait a second, um, no, I think thatcomes, uh, before. Anyways, it’s not important, it’snot important. Anyway, then, uh, the man says–[A light comes on and the voice of Gilda’s mothercalls from upstairs:]
Voice of Mother: Gilda, it’s five A.M.! When does the noise stop?
Gilda: We’re – we’re goin’ to sleep now, Mom!
Voice of Mother: What are you talking about at this hour?
Voice of Mother: Well, save it for the morning![The light goes out and Gilda puts a finger to herlips to quiet the other girls.]
Jane: [to Madeline] And then the man …?
Madeline: Anyway, then the man– [she whispers intothe other girls’ ears, they make loud retching noises,totally disgusted: “Ewww! Aaaagh!”]
Laraine: That’s disgusting!
Madeline: And then you scream and then he screams andthen it’s over.
Laraine: Ohhhhgggghh! That’s DISGUSTING!
Gilda: You lie, Madeline!
Madeline: Cross my heart and hope to die. My brothertold me ’bout it in my driveway.
Gilda: Yeah, but your brother lies, Madeline!
Madeline: No, si-ir!
Jane: Isn’t – isn’t he the one that said if you chewyour nails and then swallow them, a hand will grow inyour stomach?
Madeline: Well, it is also true because I happen tohave read it in this book.
Jane: [skeptical] What did it sa-ay?
Madeline: It sa-id … the first step in humanreproduction is: the man– [again, she whispers intothe other girls’ ears, again they retch loudly indisgust: “Ewww! Aaaagh!”]
Laraine: Eww! That’s DISGUSTING! Aaaggghh!
Madeline: It’s tru-ue!
Jane: Well, I just know it can’t be true becausenothing that sickening is true.
Madeline: Boogers are true.
Gilda: Well, I mainly don’t believe it because mysister told me she heard that there’s this girl thatthis guy jumped out of the bushes and forced her tohave a baby.
Gilda: I don’t know. He – he just said, “Have a baby,right now!”
Madeline: Sure, sure. Sure, Gilda. And you think thatthat would work if I – if I did it to you, then?
Gilda: [suddenly tense] Don’t, okay?
Madeline: Don’t worry about it ’cause I won’t. Anyway,it doesn’t – it wouldn’t even work because that is notthe way it is done. How it is done is, the man–
Laraine: Oh, don’t say it again, okay? I just ate halfa pizza, okay?
Gilda: So that’s why people are born naked?
Laraine: God, but how could you face the guyafterwards? I mean, wouldn’t you be so embarrassed?
Jane: I’d have to kill myself right after. I mean, Iget embarrassed when I know with someone sitting nextto me they could see inside my ear.
Madeline: That is why you should only do it after youare married because then you won’t be so embarrassedin front of your husband because – you will be in thesame family.
Laraine: Oh, yeah, now I really wanna get married — not!
Madeline: But! But – the worst thing is — our parents do it.
Gilda: Come on!
Madeline: Yes. Think about it. Just think about it. Imean, none of us would be here unless our parents didit at least once.
Jane: My parents did it at least twice. I have a sister.
Gilda: My parents did it at least three times. I havea sister and a brother. But I – I know they didn’t doit because they wanted to. They did it because theyhad to, to have children.
Madeline: They could have adopted.
Gilda: Yeah, but adopted children are such a pain. Youhave to teach ’em to look like you.
Laraine: Well, my father would never do anything sodisgusting like that to my mom — he’s too polite.
Madeline: My father is polite. And we have six kids.
Laraine: Maybe he’s not as polite as you think he is.
Jane: I wonder whose idea this was.
Jane: Oh, come on! God doesn’t go around thinking upsickening things for people to do.
Gilda: Maybe God makes us do it so we can appreciatehow good the rest of our life is.
Jane: Yeah, maybe!
Laraine: So – so, like, how long does it take?
Madeline: [rolls her eyes in disbelief] Stupid!Depends on how big the girl’s stomach is and how fastshe can digest.
Jane: Can you talk during it?
Madeline: [can’t believe anyone would ask such astupid question] God… You have to hold your breathor else it doesn’t work.[Laraine, who has been chewing gum and playing withher hair throughout the sketch now takes a deep breathand, with cheeks puffed out, holds it until the middleof Gilda’s next line.]
Jane: Well, I’m just telling my husband I’m not gonnado it. Tough beansies, God!
Madeline: What if he says he will get divorced fromyou if you don’t do it?
Jane: I’d never marry anybody like that.
Madeline: Well, what if you did by accident? I mean,what if you met him in a war and you married him realfast because you felt sorry for him because he wouldprobably get killed, only he didn’t get killed, andthen you would be stuck with him?
Gilda: Wait a minute, let’s make this pact, right now,that if we ever get married, and our husbands make usdo it, we’ll call each other up on the phone every dayand talk a lot to keep our minds off of it, just likeour mothers do.
Laraine: Right, because it’s DISGUSTING! Ooooaaggghhh!
Jane: Well, don’t worry. We’ll never have to keep thispact because I know I’ll never do it.
Gilda: Me, neither.
Madeline: Me, neither.
Laraine: [thinks about it, after a pause] I might.[Jane’s eyes open wide; Madeline and Gilda exchangesurprised glances. Audience applauds. Dissolve to awide shot of the set and pull back to reveal theapplauding audience as the actors rise and hurry off.A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT … RON NESSENREMEMBERS.]