SNL Transcripts: Dyan Cannon: 05/15/76: The Affair


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 20

75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell

The Affair

Wife…..Dyan Cannon
Lover…..Chevy Chase
Husband…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on a wife and her lover making out on the couch, lover top on top. A car can be heard pulling up outside, but they don’t seem to notice. ]

Wife: Mmm. Mmm. Nice. Mmm.

Lover: You sure this is okay? I mean, what if your husband comes home early? Is everything okay about this?

Wife: Sure! I’ll just make up something.

Lover: Okay.

Wife: Okay.

[ they continue to kiss and fondle, as her husband enters the house ]

Husband: Angela? [ she and her over freeze in position ] Angela! How could you do this? I’ll kill him! I’ll kill him. I’ll take him apart.

Wife: It’s okay, he’s dead. [ a beat ] Oh, uh.. I-I-I-I’ve been lying here screaming for help, but I guess my voice must have been muffled by his face.

Husband: Who is this guy? How did he die, anyway?

[ Husband tugs the lover’s body, knocking him onto the floor ]

Wife: Darling, I’m so glad you’re home! I was so frightened, I thought I was suffocating! I’m so glad you’re home early.

Husband: Alright, just wait a minute, now. Who is this guy? Let’s start from the beginning. How is he here, how did he die?

Wife: Well, he’s, uh.. he’s a delivery boy. He, uh.. I guess – I don’t know. I guess he just had a heart attack or something, I don’t know. What happened, he just fell on top of me gasping, and the next thing I knoew, I couldn’t move.

Husband: Well, what was he delivering?

Wife: [ looking about the room ] That lamp.

Husband: That lamp?

Wife: Yeah.

Husband: We’ve had that lamp for twelve years.

Wife: Yes, I know, honey, and I know how much you love that lamp. and this afternoon, when I was in the kitchen, ironing your socks, uh.. the lamp – I was ironing it, and the board fell over, and the thing fell on top of it, and, uh.. well, I went to have it fixed, you see, and he came to deliver it. He delivered it.

Husband: That lamp looks the same as it’s always looked. It doesn’t look any different.

Wife: That’s because they fixed it.

Husband: They fixed it? This poor guy, I mean — [ notices the body moving ] He’s breathing! He’s breathing! There’s still life in this man!

Wife: I’ll give him a little mouth-to-mouth.

[ the wife and her lover slowly build to a passionate kiss in front of her husband ]

Husband: I think he’s coming around, uh.. okay, uh.. [ pulls the lover to his feet ] You had a narrow brush there, my friend.

Wife: You’re okay.

Husband: You’re okay.

Wife: You’re alright now, are you okay?

Husband: Where am I?

Wife: Delivery man, are you okay?

Lover: Well, thank you so much, I don’t know.. I must have – close to death. I don’t know how I can repay you.. I know! I won’t charge you for the lamp! See ya’! [ tries to make a quick exit ]

Husband: Excuse me just a minute there, pal. I’d just like one question answered: how come a guy who delivers a lamp has a car wash sign on his back?

Lover: Well, there’s really not much money in lamp delivery.

Husband: Well, uh.. alright.

Lover: Sorry.

Husband: Hey, wait, wait, wait, please! I just want a simple explanation here, okay?

Lover: Sure thing, yes.

Husband: Uh, now, let’s just all relax here, because this is —

Wife: Darling, he’s a medical student!

Lover: — entirely an innocent mistake, I am a medical student. And medical school being expensive, as it is, I had to, uh.. as it were, I got to go wash cars, deliver lamps, anything to pay for it.

Husband: Uh-huh, uh-huh..

Lover: And, of course, you know he president has called for a massive, uh.. innoculation, because of the swine flu, uh, all over the country, and I had to volunteer and I’m supposed to innoculate the entire neighborhood. In fact, I don’t have much time, I’d better get out there and innoculate.

Husband: Uh, yeah, yeah. Swine flu, but, uh —

Wife: Yes, darling, and there’s a lot of it going around.

Lover: Oh, boy..

Husband: Well, uh, I don’t understand how you ended up top of my wife, that’s all. I mean, uh..

Lover: Well, I have been working so hard at this, I must have passed out, I’m really sorry —

Wife: That’s right, honey! We were innoculating when you came in!

Lover: That is true. That is the truth, that is the honest truth.

Husband: Okay, I see. I’m sorry I got a little upset. I mean, the swine flu thing is important, I guess. It’s just got us all a little crazy!

[ they all laugh together at the silliness of their situation ]

Lover: Well, yeah, you’re a very understanding man, and I thank you, and I guess I’d better be on my way. [ shakes husband’s hand ] Thank you very much. Goodbye, Angie. [ kisses her on the lips, then turns to leave ]

Husband: [ catching on ] Wait a minute! What’s this business with Angie! How do you know her name!

Lover: Let me see those eyes.. [ grabs Husband’s eyes ]

Husband: [ alarmed ] What’s wrong with my eyes?

Lover: Let me see those eyes.

Wife: [ also grabs her husband’s eyes ] Oh, my God, darling!

Lover: You’re a little dilated here.

Wife: Oh, darling!

Lover: I think you’d better sit down here.

[ Husband is seated on the couch ]

Wife: The eyes underneath, they don’t look so good. Maybe I should get some hot water?

Husband: [ frantic ] What’s wrong? What’s wrong?!

Lover: You’re perspiring a little bit, and I think your pulse is just a ltitle bit high. You might just have a touch of the swine flu.

Husband: The swine flu?! I’ve got it?!

Lover: You might have it.

Husband: Swine flu? I’ve got it?

Lover: He could use an innoculation.

Wife: An innoculation!

Lover: Now, look, I’ve got plenty of vaccine in my truck. You wait here, and I’ll get it. We’ll take care of this right away.

Husband: [ excited ] The swine flu! I’ve got it!

Lover: You’ll be alright, you just wait here, I’ll get that vaccine [ exits house ]

Husband: I’m one of the first waves to get it!

Wife: I think it’s gonna be alright.

Husband: I’ve been thinking about it all day, I’ve been so worried it all day, you know, thinking about it. But I guess I was lucky to walk in here, with the presidential innoculator in my own home! That’s luck!That’s real luck!

Wife: Yes.. yes.

[ sound of a car driving away ]

Husband: So, uh.. he’ll just give me a shot, and, uh.. [ a beat ] I don’t think he’s coming back.. somehow.

Wife: Who?

Husband: The innoculator!

Wife: The what?

Husband: The medical student, with the car wash, who-who-who delivers lamps! Who-who, uh..

Wife: What lamp? We’ve had that lamp for twelve years. Come on, darling – supper is ready. [ exits into kitchen ]

Husband: [ momentarily confused ] Supper! Yeah. I should eat something. I’ve got an appetite, that’s a good sign! Maybe, maybe I don’t have it! Maybe I don’t got that old swine! [ happy; relieved ] Yeah! [ stands triumphantly ] [ camera zooms out to reveal wide shot of set, audience in foreground. Dan Aykroyd runs off the set. ] [ SUPER: “Is Golf As Dull As It Looks?” ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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