SNL Transcripts: Dyan Cannon: 05/15/76: The Affair

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 20

75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell

The Affair

Wife…..Dyan Cannon
Lover…..Chevy Chase
Husband…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on a wife and her lover making out on the couch, lover top on top. A car can be heard pulling up outside, but they don’t seem to notice. ]

Wife: Mmm. Mmm. Nice. Mmm.

Lover: You sure this is okay? I mean, what if your husband comes home early? Is everything okay about this?

Wife: Sure! I’ll just make up something.

Lover: Okay.

Wife: Okay.

[ they continue to kiss and fondle, as her husband enters the house ]

Husband: Angela? [ she and her over freeze in position ] Angela! How could you do this? I’ll kill him! I’ll kill him. I’ll take him apart.

Wife: It’s okay, he’s dead. [ a beat ] Oh, uh.. I-I-I-I’ve been lying here screaming for help, but I guess my voice must have been muffled by his face.

Husband: Who is this guy? How did he die, anyway?

[ Husband tugs the lover’s body, knocking him onto the floor ]

Wife: Darling, I’m so glad you’re home! I was so frightened, I thought I was suffocating! I’m so glad you’re home early.

Husband: Alright, just wait a minute, now. Who is this guy? Let’s start from the beginning. How is he here, how did he die?

Wife: Well, he’s, uh.. he’s a delivery boy. He, uh.. I guess – I don’t know. I guess he just had a heart attack or something, I don’t know. What happened, he just fell on top of me gasping, and the next thing I knoew, I couldn’t move.

Husband: Well, what was he delivering?

Wife: [ looking about the room ] That lamp.

Husband: That lamp?

Wife: Yeah.

Husband: We’ve had that lamp for twelve years.

Wife: Yes, I know, honey, and I know how much you love that lamp. and this afternoon, when I was in the kitchen, ironing your socks, uh.. the lamp – I was ironing it, and the board fell over, and the thing fell on top of it, and, uh.. well, I went to have it fixed, you see, and he came to deliver it. He delivered it.

Husband: That lamp looks the same as it’s always looked. It doesn’t look any different.

Wife: That’s because they fixed it.

Husband: They fixed it? This poor guy, I mean — [ notices the body moving ] He’s breathing! He’s breathing! There’s still life in this man!

Wife: I’ll give him a little mouth-to-mouth.

[ the wife and her lover slowly build to a passionate kiss in front of her husband ]

Husband: I think he’s coming around, uh.. okay, uh.. [ pulls the lover to his feet ] You had a narrow brush there, my friend.

Wife: You’re okay.

Husband: You’re okay.

Wife: You’re alright now, are you okay?

Husband: Where am I?

Wife: Delivery man, are you okay?

Lover: Well, thank you so much, I don’t know.. I must have – close to death. I don’t know how I can repay you.. I know! I won’t charge you for the lamp! See ya’! [ tries to make a quick exit ]

Husband: Excuse me just a minute there, pal. I’d just like one question answered: how come a guy who delivers a lamp has a car wash sign on his back?

Lover: Well, there’s really not much money in lamp delivery.

Husband: Well, uh.. alright.

Lover: Sorry.

Husband: Hey, wait, wait, wait, please! I just want a simple explanation here, okay?

Lover: Sure thing, yes.

Husband: Uh, now, let’s just all relax here, because this is —

Wife: Darling, he’s a medical student!

Lover: — entirely an innocent mistake, I am a medical student. And medical school being expensive, as it is, I had to, uh.. as it were, I got to go wash cars, deliver lamps, anything to pay for it.

Husband: Uh-huh, uh-huh..

Lover: And, of course, you know he president has called for a massive, uh.. innoculation, because of the swine flu, uh, all over the country, and I had to volunteer and I’m supposed to innoculate the entire neighborhood. In fact, I don’t have much time, I’d better get out there and innoculate.

Husband: Uh, yeah, yeah. Swine flu, but, uh —

Wife: Yes, darling, and there’s a lot of it going around.

Lover: Oh, boy..

Husband: Well, uh, I don’t understand how you ended up top of my wife, that’s all. I mean, uh..

Lover: Well, I have been working so hard at this, I must have passed out, I’m really sorry —

Wife: That’s right, honey! We were innoculating when you came in!

Lover: That is true. That is the truth, that is the honest truth.

Husband: Okay, I see. I’m sorry I got a little upset. I mean, the swine flu thing is important, I guess. It’s just got us all a little crazy!

[ they all laugh together at the silliness of their situation ]

Lover: Well, yeah, you’re a very understanding man, and I thank you, and I guess I’d better be on my way. [ shakes husband’s hand ] Thank you very much. Goodbye, Angie. [ kisses her on the lips, then turns to leave ]

Husband: [ catching on ] Wait a minute! What’s this business with Angie! How do you know her name!

Lover: Let me see those eyes.. [ grabs Husband’s eyes ]

Husband: [ alarmed ] What’s wrong with my eyes?

Lover: Let me see those eyes.

Wife: [ also grabs her husband’s eyes ] Oh, my God, darling!

Lover: You’re a little dilated here.

Wife: Oh, darling!

Lover: I think you’d better sit down here.

[ Husband is seated on the couch ]

Wife: The eyes underneath, they don’t look so good. Maybe I should get some hot water?

Husband: [ frantic ] What’s wrong? What’s wrong?!

Lover: You’re perspiring a little bit, and I think your pulse is just a ltitle bit high. You might just have a touch of the swine flu.

Husband: The swine flu?! I’ve got it?!

Lover: You might have it.

Husband: Swine flu? I’ve got it?

Lover: He could use an innoculation.

Wife: An innoculation!

Lover: Now, look, I’ve got plenty of vaccine in my truck. You wait here, and I’ll get it. We’ll take care of this right away.

Husband: [ excited ] The swine flu! I’ve got it!

Lover: You’ll be alright, you just wait here, I’ll get that vaccine [ exits house ]

Husband: I’m one of the first waves to get it!

Wife: I think it’s gonna be alright.

Husband: I’ve been thinking about it all day, I’ve been so worried it all day, you know, thinking about it. But I guess I was lucky to walk in here, with the presidential innoculator in my own home! That’s luck!That’s real luck!

Wife: Yes.. yes.

[ sound of a car driving away ]

Husband: So, uh.. he’ll just give me a shot, and, uh.. [ a beat ] I don’t think he’s coming back.. somehow.

Wife: Who?

Husband: The innoculator!

Wife: The what?

Husband: The medical student, with the car wash, who-who-who delivers lamps! Who-who, uh..

Wife: What lamp? We’ve had that lamp for twelve years. Come on, darling – supper is ready. [ exits into kitchen ]

Husband: [ momentarily confused ] Supper! Yeah. I should eat something. I’ve got an appetite, that’s a good sign! Maybe, maybe I don’t have it! Maybe I don’t got that old swine! [ happy; relieved ] Yeah! [ stands triumphantly ] [ camera zooms out to reveal wide shot of set, audience in foreground. Dan Aykroyd runs off the set. ] [ SUPER: “Is Golf As Dull As It Looks?” ]

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