Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 20
75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell
Bathwater of the Stars
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Cindy Cleavage…..Dyan Cannon
Roy Waddmaker…..Dan Aykroyd
[Bubbly blonde Cindy Cleavage sits in bathtub filledwith bubbles — in front of a Chroma-Key backdrop ofgiant soap bubbles — smiling and addressing thecamera:]
Cindy Cleavage: Ohhh! Hi! I’m Cindy Cleavage and rightnow I’m taking time out from my busy stage, screen andtelevision schedule to luxurate– luxuriate in a nice,hot bath! Oh, it’s so soothing and my cares just meltaway! And, best of all, this bath won’t go down thedrain, oh no! This bathwater will be sold by RoyWaddmaker’s Bathtub of the Stars![Bespectacled Roy Waddmaker pops up from behind thetub, jumping his cue.]
Roy Waddmaker: That’s right, Cindy!
Cindy Cleavage: Isn’t that right, Roy?
Roy Waddmaker: And it will be joined by a pantheon ofcelebrity bathwater, all on sale, six days a week, inmy air-conditioned store at the corner of OlympicBoulevard and Swall Drive in the heart of BeverlyHills. [Roy holds up various containers of bathwaterthroughout the rest of the sketch: jars, flagons,jugs, mugs, glasses, bottles, etc. The Chroma-Key soapbubbles are relplaced by a scrolling list ofcelebrities’ names.]
Cindy Cleavage: Just look at that selection! Thousandsto choose from! Enough bathwater to sink a battleshipin and every drop of it personally approved by anotary public!
Roy Waddmaker: For pennies a day, you could be makingherb tea with this bonded quart of Doug McClure!Filling your steam iron with this jar of Cicely Tyson!Or raising tropical fish in this gallon of Dan Duryea!
Cindy Cleavage: Or watering your lawn with RomySchneider! Making ice cubes from Jay North! Fillingyour radiator with Howard Keel! Soaking your delicateunderthings in Richard Crenna! Or gargling with TatumO’Neal! And, gals, how’d you like to wash that manright into your hair with this generous jug of WarrenOates?!
Roy Waddmaker: And can you imagine — CAN YOUIMAGINE?! — chugging a chilled stein of ShelleyWinters’ bathwater? What a thrill! We havetwo-for-the-price-of-one combinations! We have Cherwith Sonny! Cher with Chastity! Cher with Greg! Cherwith David! And Cher with God knows who! We even haveCher with Willard! [holds up a dead rat] Ah, justkidding, folks! [tries to toss rat away butaccidentally drops it into the tub, startling poorCindy] Whoops! That went in the bath!
Cindy Cleavage: [screams, breaks up laughing, losesher place, finally recovers] Oh, but do you haveanything for the man on my gift list, Roy?
Roy Waddmaker: No guy could resist this importedflagon of Fernando Lamas — perfect for any occasion![Chroma-Key soap bubbles return and Roy holds up abe-ribboned gift box] And what woman wouldn’t bedelighted to receive this seven star gift set withconvenient purse-sized bottles of Dale Robertson,Kitty Carlisle, Jim Backus, Max von Sydow, NipseyRussell, Nancy Kwan and Celeste Holm?! Mix and match– it’s your life — nobody’s the wiser!
Cindy Cleavage: And for you collectors looking forsomething a bit out of the ordinary, why not thesematched pints of Paul Robeson’s bathwater?! Incrediblebut true! [lowers her voice conspiratorially] And whenthese are gone, they’ll be the last, folks, so a wordto the wise.
Roy Waddmaker: A tip worth taking, Cindy! And if it’sbargains you’re after, quite frankly, we’reOVERSTOCKED on Ida Lupino! Over fifty thousandgallons! Enough to fight an octopus in! And best offertakes it! So, whether it’s a glass of Jeff Chandler tosoak your dentures in …
Cindy Cleavage: … or just a bottle of Glenda Jacksonto pour in a paper bag and drop out the window …
Roy Waddmaker: Come to me! Come to me at RoyWaddmaker’s Bathwater of the Stars in the heart ofBeverly Hills! Serving your bathwater needs since1974. [dissolve to and from a sign reading: RoyWaddmaker’s BATHWATER OF THE STARS]
Cindy Cleavage: So, this is Cindy Cleavage saying,”Don’t throw out the baby OR the bathwater!” [winks] [Dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on woman whosmiles as she sees herself on the monitor with thewords LOOKING FOR TRUTH superimposed on her image…]