SNL Transcripts: Dyan Cannon: 05/15/76: Cresk

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 20

75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell


Clair…..Gilda Radner
Mr. Goodman…..John Belushi

[ Clair enters drugstore, picks out a few items, then approaches the counter ]

Clair: Morning, Mr. Goodman.

Mr. Johnson: Ahhhh, Clair! Well, well! How are you, Clair?

Clair: Oh, alright, I guess.

Mr. Johnson: Well, that’s just good! That’s just fine! [ he opens a paper bag ] Let’s just see what you have here: one memorial candle… and a box of Kleenex… [ he bags these items ] Say, Clair? Whatever happened to little Johnny — your little boy? I never see him around here any more.

Clair: [ holding back her tears ] Johnny’s dead! Uh — his school bus went out of control. It was terrible.

Mr. Johnson: Ah! Oh, yes. I remember that now, Clair. That’s right! That’s a shame. Such a young age. It’s a real tragedy, Clair. There’s just no justice in this world, Clair. But, Clair! [ a beat ] What about his teeth?

Clair: [ confused ] Johnny’s dead, Mr. Goodman.

Mr. Johnson: Ah, Clair, I haven’t steered you wrong yet, have I?

Clair: Well… no.

Mr. Johnson: Ah, that’s right! Now, I’ve known Johnny ever since he was a little boy. And, you know, Johnny’s gonna be gonig through a lot of changes. Now, his body will decay — but his TEETH won’t! Not if he uses Cresk! [ he holds up product for the camera ] What do you say, Clair? Why don’t you get some Cresk for little Johnny?

Clair: [ smiling ] Alright, put it on my bill!

Mr. Johnson: Okay! [ he drops a tube of Cresk into her bag ] Good enough! Good enough, Clair!

Clair: Thanks, Mr. Goodman. [ she steps away ]

Mr. Johnson: Okay. Hey! Clair! Remember: Tell them it’s up-and-down, not across!

[ Clair lets out a wail, then exits the drugstore crying ]

Mr. Johnson: That’s right! You can’t beat Cresk for fighting cavities! Now with formaldehyde!

[ fade ]

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