SNL Transcripts: Dyan Cannon: 05/15/76: Cresk


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 20

75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell


Clair…..Gilda Radner
Mr. Goodman…..John Belushi

[ Clair enters drugstore, picks out a few items, then approaches the counter ]

Clair: Morning, Mr. Goodman.

Mr. Johnson: Ahhhh, Clair! Well, well! How are you, Clair?

Clair: Oh, alright, I guess.

Mr. Johnson: Well, that’s just good! That’s just fine! [ he opens a paper bag ] Let’s just see what you have here: one memorial candle… and a box of Kleenex… [ he bags these items ] Say, Clair? Whatever happened to little Johnny — your little boy? I never see him around here any more.

Clair: [ holding back her tears ] Johnny’s dead! Uh — his school bus went out of control. It was terrible.

Mr. Johnson: Ah! Oh, yes. I remember that now, Clair. That’s right! That’s a shame. Such a young age. It’s a real tragedy, Clair. There’s just no justice in this world, Clair. But, Clair! [ a beat ] What about his teeth?

Clair: [ confused ] Johnny’s dead, Mr. Goodman.

Mr. Johnson: Ah, Clair, I haven’t steered you wrong yet, have I?

Clair: Well… no.

Mr. Johnson: Ah, that’s right! Now, I’ve known Johnny ever since he was a little boy. And, you know, Johnny’s gonna be gonig through a lot of changes. Now, his body will decay — but his TEETH won’t! Not if he uses Cresk! [ he holds up product for the camera ] What do you say, Clair? Why don’t you get some Cresk for little Johnny?

Clair: [ smiling ] Alright, put it on my bill!

Mr. Johnson: Okay! [ he drops a tube of Cresk into her bag ] Good enough! Good enough, Clair!

Clair: Thanks, Mr. Goodman. [ she steps away ]

Mr. Johnson: Okay. Hey! Clair! Remember: Tell them it’s up-and-down, not across!

[ Clair lets out a wail, then exits the drugstore crying ]

Mr. Johnson: That’s right! You can’t beat Cresk for fighting cavities! Now with formaldehyde!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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