SNL Transcripts: Dyan Cannon: 05/15/76: Dyan Cannon’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 20

75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell

Dyan Cannon’s Monologue

…..Dyan Cannon

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Dyan Cannon.

Dyan Cannon: [ humbled to be on the show ] That’s really nice. Thank you, hi. I’m, uh.. I’m really glad to be here. Uh.. well, okay, let’s make friends. [ Paul Shaffer and Bob take their positions at the piano behind Dyan ] Um.. since I have the microphone, I’ll start. We’ll get to know each other. Uh.. first of all, I don’t eat meat, I’m a vegetarian. And, um.. I’m Orthodox. I mean, I don’t mind if other people eat meat, that’s okay. Uh, let’s see.. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t take pills, or drugs or anything, but that’s about all that I don’t do.

[ Paul Shaffer begins to play the piano lightly ]

Dyan Cannon: Oh, Paul! Hi, Paul! There’s Paul and Bob! Hi, Paul and Bob!

[ Dyan approaches the band members and encourages the audience to applaud ]

Dyan Cannon: Mmm-hmm! Oh! And I have a daughter – her name is Jennifer, she’s ten years old, she doesn’t smoke or drink, either. Uh.. I like horses. I like to drink, um.. tea. I know a lot more about me than you know about me, and you know more about me than I know about you now.

Do you guys like to dream? I dream a lot. Do you know that every single dream I’ve ever had in my life has come true? [ singing ] Except one. Every dream I ever had in my life, do you realize that? [ singing ] Except one. Since I’ve been a little girl, I’ve had so many dreams about things I wanted to do, and places I wanted to go, and people I wanted to see, and every one of those dreams has come true! [ singing ] Except one. Oh, and I like big, big hats. Big, floppy hats. And I like, um.. ice water – I put lemon in it, with sugar substitute. I know it’s kaka, but I love it. That’s the only thing I like that’s fake – sugar substitute. And I like, uh, the ocean, I love boots, I love ice cream. And I like, um.. men.. and women.. and men. And every dream I’ve ever had in my life has come true. [ singing ] Except one. Just one.

Okay, I’m gonna tell you about that dream. I live on the beach at Malibu. And sometimes when I’m sitting and looking out at the ocean – just miles of ocean – and I sit out and look at it, and I just know – I know this sounds goofy, but I’m gonna share my fantasy with you. I know that one night, some man on a big, white horse is gonna come up from out of the middle of the ocean, and come galloping towards me on the sand, pick me up and carry me away. I know that’s gonna happen. Do you understand? I mean, if every dream in my life has come true, and that’s the only one that hasn’t come true, then that one’s gonna come true. [ singing ] I mean, every one except one has come true, and I know it’s gonna come.

Where is that guy? [ looks into the audience ] Is that guy you? Listen, if you’re sitting in the audience, will you tell me? Are you up in the balcony? [ looks up toward the balcony ] Where’s my fella! [ glances at another man in the audience ] I know it’s not you, you haven’t got a white horse. A white horse is very important, I’ve gotta have a white horse. Now, look – a guy that’s my guy has got to know that all he has to spring for is a white horse, and I’m ready! Look, if you’re out there watching, let me know, will’ya? ‘Cause every dream in my life has come true. [ singing ] Except one. And I know that one is around here, and I know it’s waiting, I know it’s waiting so hard to come true for me.

You know what I think is gonna happen? I think tonight, on live TV, my fantasy is gonna come true. I know it’s gonna come true. I know that dream is just waiting around the corner for me. So, dream, wherever you are, come and get me! Now!

[ Paul Shaffer stops playingthe piano, jumps to his feet and throws Dyan Cannon over his shoulder ]

Dyan Cannon: [ struggling as they exit the stage ] Paul! No, not you! Paul!

[ Bob is left alone on stage ]

Bob: Maybe they’ll be right back.

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