SNL Transcripts: Dyan Cannon: 05/15/76: Dyan Cannon’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 20

75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell

Dyan Cannon’s Monologue

…..Dyan Cannon

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Dyan Cannon.

Dyan Cannon: [ humbled to be on the show ] That’s really nice. Thank you, hi. I’m, uh.. I’m really glad to be here. Uh.. well, okay, let’s make friends. [ Paul Shaffer and Bob take their positions at the piano behind Dyan ] Um.. since I have the microphone, I’ll start. We’ll get to know each other. Uh.. first of all, I don’t eat meat, I’m a vegetarian. And, um.. I’m Orthodox. I mean, I don’t mind if other people eat meat, that’s okay. Uh, let’s see.. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t take pills, or drugs or anything, but that’s about all that I don’t do.

[ Paul Shaffer begins to play the piano lightly ]

Dyan Cannon: Oh, Paul! Hi, Paul! There’s Paul and Bob! Hi, Paul and Bob!

[ Dyan approaches the band members and encourages the audience to applaud ]

Dyan Cannon: Mmm-hmm! Oh! And I have a daughter – her name is Jennifer, she’s ten years old, she doesn’t smoke or drink, either. Uh.. I like horses. I like to drink, um.. tea. I know a lot more about me than you know about me, and you know more about me than I know about you now.

Do you guys like to dream? I dream a lot. Do you know that every single dream I’ve ever had in my life has come true? [ singing ] Except one. Every dream I ever had in my life, do you realize that? [ singing ] Except one. Since I’ve been a little girl, I’ve had so many dreams about things I wanted to do, and places I wanted to go, and people I wanted to see, and every one of those dreams has come true! [ singing ] Except one. Oh, and I like big, big hats. Big, floppy hats. And I like, um.. ice water – I put lemon in it, with sugar substitute. I know it’s kaka, but I love it. That’s the only thing I like that’s fake – sugar substitute. And I like, uh, the ocean, I love boots, I love ice cream. And I like, um.. men.. and women.. and men. And every dream I’ve ever had in my life has come true. [ singing ] Except one. Just one.

Okay, I’m gonna tell you about that dream. I live on the beach at Malibu. And sometimes when I’m sitting and looking out at the ocean – just miles of ocean – and I sit out and look at it, and I just know – I know this sounds goofy, but I’m gonna share my fantasy with you. I know that one night, some man on a big, white horse is gonna come up from out of the middle of the ocean, and come galloping towards me on the sand, pick me up and carry me away. I know that’s gonna happen. Do you understand? I mean, if every dream in my life has come true, and that’s the only one that hasn’t come true, then that one’s gonna come true. [ singing ] I mean, every one except one has come true, and I know it’s gonna come.

Where is that guy? [ looks into the audience ] Is that guy you? Listen, if you’re sitting in the audience, will you tell me? Are you up in the balcony? [ looks up toward the balcony ] Where’s my fella! [ glances at another man in the audience ] I know it’s not you, you haven’t got a white horse. A white horse is very important, I’ve gotta have a white horse. Now, look – a guy that’s my guy has got to know that all he has to spring for is a white horse, and I’m ready! Look, if you’re out there watching, let me know, will’ya? ‘Cause every dream in my life has come true. [ singing ] Except one. And I know that one is around here, and I know it’s waiting, I know it’s waiting so hard to come true for me.

You know what I think is gonna happen? I think tonight, on live TV, my fantasy is gonna come true. I know it’s gonna come true. I know that dream is just waiting around the corner for me. So, dream, wherever you are, come and get me! Now!

[ Paul Shaffer stops playingthe piano, jumps to his feet and throws Dyan Cannon over his shoulder ]

Dyan Cannon: [ struggling as they exit the stage ] Paul! No, not you! Paul!

[ Bob is left alone on stage ]

Bob: Maybe they’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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