Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 20
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
Maynard Spees…..Garrett Morris
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: [ into phone, as he eats on a piece of cake ] Ah, that’s a wive’s tale. Nah! [ he sees the camera ] I gotta go, honey! [ he hangs up ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase… and that’s the news! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Just kidding. And you’re not.
Our top story tonight: Ford campaign director Rogers Morgan, shown here celebrating the Nebraska Primary results, has, in an effort to reduce spending, ordered a 25% staff cut in the Ford For President committee. Among the first to go are Ford’s 60-man team of walking instructors, five English-to-English interpretors, and a flying squad of headwound paramedics.
Campaigning in Detroit, Ronald Reagan said to the United Auto Workers of America that, not only would he never give back the Panama Canal, but that he would have the canal opened to vehicular traffic if elected.
Later, he admitted that, if pressed, he would exchange the canal for his pwn personal atomic warhead.
After winning this week’s primaries, Jimmy Carter has amssed a total of 624 delegates. He now has five more delegates than he has teeth.
A serious note: The Federal Communications Commission has announced that the words “break” and “wind” may not be spojen over the airwaves, no matter what the context.
The National Bureau of Statistics, this week, released the following figures from a five-year research program: 62%, 5%, and 37%.
Chevy Chase: Well, still another Howard Hughes’ will has turned up this week. Wid dat repote — [ Chevy gibbers ] With that report, is Laraine Newman. Laraine?
Laraine Newman: Chevy, I’m here at a filling station in the middle of the Nevada Desert, talking with a man who claims to have found the genuine will of Howard Hughes. A will which names him as the sole recipient of the late billionaire’s fortune — Mr. Maynard Spees. Mr. Spees, did you ever actually talk to Mr. Hughes or see him?
Maynard Spees: Yes. Uh — one time, you know, I was, uh… hunting snakes in the desert. You know, one afternoon, and in the distance I saw a man lying face down, you know? And, uh, as I got closer, I noticed some needles sticking in this man’s, uh, buttocks. You know? And, uh, evidently he’d fallen down a cliff, or down on a cactus or something, and I took the needles out and I lent him a quarter.
Laraine Newman: And this man told you that he was Howard Hughes?
Maynard Spees: Yes. But I didn’t believe it, you know, uh, ’til I read in the newspaper where they said that, in an autopsy, this man had 37 little scars on his buttocks.
Laraine Newman: I see. Well, uh, can you just show us this document that you claim to be the original, uh, will?
Maynard Spees: Yes. Uh, you see here where it says, uh, “I…” uh, “give all my…” uh… uh… “fortune to Mr. Maynard Spees. This is the real will…” uh, “do not pay attention to the others, they are fake. Signed: Howard L. Hughes.”
Laraine Newman: Mr. Spees… wasn’t Howard Hughes’ middle initial actually “R”, standing for “Robert”, not, in fact, “L”, which appears on your obviously bogus publication?
Maynard Spees: What are you talking about? I mean, look, uh, wasn’t Howard L. Hughes the guy who founded, uh, H.L., uh, Hughes Products? H.L. Hughes, uh, Drugs? Wasn’t that…?
Laraine Newman: That was H.L. Hunt.
Maynard Spees: Nooo, I’m talking about, uh, a right-wing, Texas multi-billionaire, lady! That’s what I’m talking about!
Laraine Newman: Hunt was a right-wing Texas multi-millionaire!
Maynard Spees: Awwwww…
Laraine Newman: Mr. Spees, you’ve obviously made yourself open for charges of fraud and forgery.
Maynard Spees: Look — OH!! OH!! Uh — Hughes changed his middle name during his seclusion! I forgot to tell you that, because…
Laraine Newman: That’s ridiculous, Mr. Spees. Back to you, Chevy.
Maynard Spees: [ whispering ] Look, lady, I’m just trying to make some money… Could you…?
Chevy Chase: Laraine Newman.
“Weekend Update” has received numerous letters asking why we don’t cover the weather. The answer is simple: We don’t care! But, in the interest of responsible reporting, here is tomorrow’s weather:[ reveal poorly-drawn Artist Renderings ]
Rain… gusty winds… and possible flooding in low-lying areas has been reported for tomorrow. But should make for some good fishing for you sportsmen out there, who love to see an animal suffer on the end of a hook for no reason at all. Otherwise, variable clouding is predicted. And, of course, a slight chance of showers — thunder showers, as it were. With an occasional hailstorm at some national parks and campsites. While just outside the city, along the beaches: Hot, sticky, and humid weather will prevail. Don’t let this fool you people at higher elevations, though, where there could be zero temperatures. All in all, clearly the weather outlook for the weekend is uncertain.[ return to Chevy, who’s looking off to the side camera in anticipation of a photo joke. The camera position holds, so he turns to face the appropriate camera. As he turns, the angle switches to the Chroma-key camera angle, so Checy again adjusts his position and sticks his tongue at the cameraman. ]
Former Vice-President spiro Agnew has been on the talk show circuit this week, promoting his first novel, “The Canfield Decision.” On “The Dinah Shore Show”, Agnew said that the media panders to the public’s bloodthirsty desire to know the intimate details of politicians’ public lives. Agnew’s novel is about the intimate details of a Vice-President’s life.
Chevy Chase: Still to come: [ image of elephants ] GOP battle for the nomination tighter than ever. After this filmed message. [ he chuckles ] [ dissolve to ad parody ] [ dissolve back to Chevy Chase at the news desk, as he lets a news story burn in his hands ]
Chevy Chase: Here’s the latest report on that fire that’s been raging out of control in downtown Louisiana —
Chevy Chase: Excuse me.[ he reaches for the telephone on his desk, then adjusts his position for the next story ]
Professional golfer Mike Reeser was suspended by the PGA today for publicly relieving himself on the twelfth fairway in the first round of the Mississippi Open.
Well, the million-dollar Leonard Bernstein-Alan J. Lerner musical, “1600 Pennsylvania Avenue”, closed last week after only 8 performances. Here’s an exclusive picture of the show taken on opening night: [ mushroom cloud ]
Charlie chaplin’s classic comedy film, “The Great Dictator”, was finally released in Spain this week. The film had been banned during the 40-year reign of Generalissimo Francisco Franco because it made fun of Franco’s friend, Adolph Hitler. Hitler could not be reached for comment in Argentina, and sources report that Franco now only watches underground movies.[ the audience groans ]
Chevy Chase: Because we’re running out of time, I’m going to combine the next two stories:
Eloqution has won the 101st running on the Miss USA Pageant today by over two lengths. The shapely, freckle-faced, three-year-old filly said she was honored to be chosen winner, and will donate the prize money to the family of fourth runner-up Miss Texas, who had to be destroyed after breaking a leg while tap dancing during the talent competition. Miss Eloquitionist is completing her studies at a junior college, and jockey An-El Kodero said that he is looking forward to riding again at the Belmont Pageant next month.
Chevy Chase: And now for those of our viewers who may have had some difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day — [ Chevy glances at a shriek off-screen ] aided by the headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris.[ Garrett appears in a circle over Chevy’s shoulder ]
Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight:
Garrett Morris: OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!
Chevy Chase: Clifford Irving inherits Howard Hughes’ estate…
Garrett Morris: CLIFFORD IRVING INHERITS HOWARD GUGHES’ ESTATE!!
Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!![ fade ]