SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/22/76: Beatles Offer II



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21



75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Beatles Offer II

Written by: Lorne Michaels

… Lorne Michaels
… Don Pardo

[Seated at his desk — upon which is a large photo ofa smiling Richard Nixon — Lorne Michaels, wearing agreen jacket and a yellow-and-red striped tie,addresses the camera.]

Lorne Michaels: Hi, I’m Lorne Michaels, producer ofSaturday Night. A short while ago I went on the airand addressed myself to John, Paul, George, and Ringo– the Beatles. At that time, I invited them to appearon Saturday Night and told them I was authorized byNBC to pay them in the sum of three thousand dollars.That was three thousand dollars for just three songs.Well, a month has gone by. We’ve heard from theMonkees, Freddy and the– Freddy and the Dreamers,Herman’s Hermits, Peter and Gordon, the Cowsills, andLulu. But still no word from the Beatles. I’m notdiscouraged and neither is NBC. Because of the recentacclaim that Saturday Night has received, I was ableto convince NBC to … sweeten the pot. John, Paul,George, and Ringo — we are now prepared to up theoriginal offer to three thousand, two hundred dollars.

[holds a check up to the camera] Can we get a close-upof this check, please? Which camera is it on? [Ofcourse, there is only one camera and Lorne doesn’teven make a pretense of looking for another camera -we slowly zoom in on the check] Ah! As you can see,it’s a check for three thousand, two hundred dollarsmade out to you, The Beatles. Off the record, thisincrease comes to an extra fifty dollars for each ofyou. That’s if you split it equally — I’m still notsure what your situation with Ringo is. [zoom out]Furthermore, NBC will also take care of your hotelaccommodation. Don Pardo, tell the Beatles what theycan expect when they come to get that check for threethousand, two hundred dollars.

Don Pardo: It’ll be my pleasure, Lorne. First of all,the lads from Liverpool will be picked up by aradio-dispatched Checker cab [dissolve to a card witha cheaply-drawn cartoon of a cab under an awning thatreads: LAGUARDIA AIRPORT] that will whisk them toCross Town Motor Inn, [the card is pulled away toreveal another with a cheap graphic of a skylinelabeled CROSSTOWN MOTOR INN] located in the heart ofNew York’s fashionable garment district. Once there,they will check in [the card is pulled away to revealanother with a cheap drawing of a lobby chair andpotted palm] in the recently renovated lobby and thenit’s off to their rooms via round-the-clock elevatorservice [new card: a cheap drawing of an elevator’sfloor indicator – apparently, the Cross Town Motor Innhas nine floors] where they’ll be treated like royaltyas pitchers of ice water [new card: a cheap cartoon ofa uniformed bell hop carrying a tray of ice water] arehand-delivered to their rooms, and they can drink thatwater from glasses sanitized for their convenience.[new card: cartoon of water glasses filled with icecubes but covered with plastic wrap] Oops! Ringospilled a little something on his jacket? No problem– not with prompt forty-eight-hour dry cleaningservice! [new card: cartoon of suits in a dry cleaningbag] “In by Tuesday, out by Thursday!” And let’s justput a shine on those shoes, too, [new card: cartoon ofa piece of cloth and a pair of shoes] with a free shoeshine cloth. And, Lorne, since the Beatles will bestaying in separate rooms, the four Mop Tops can stillspeak to each other [new card: cartoon of a telephone]as much as they want to because there is no charge forroom-to-room calls. And, after a hard day’s night,[new card: cartoon of a clock] the Beatles can sleepas late as they like with leisurely checkout time often A.M. That’s the Cross Town Motor Inn, [new card:the Crosstown Motor Inn’s skyline logo] a hoteltradition, hosting New York’s visitors since 1971.Yeah, yeah, yeah! Back to you, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: [dissolve back to Lorne at his desk]Thank you, Don Pardo. John, Paul, George, and Ringo,that’s where we stand right now. Three thousand, twohundred dollars and free hotel accommodations. Now,it’s your move. I’ve always respected you. You werealways my favorite group and I’ve always liked Yoko,even at the beginning when things were difficult. Iwould like to see– I would like to see you onSaturday Night and so would the American people. Youknow where I can be reached. I’m waiting for you.Thank you.

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