Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 21
Casting Agent…..Chevy Chase
Members of the Crowd…..John Belushi, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, Dan Aykroyd, Garrett Morris, Mivhael O’Donaghue, Al FRanken, Tom Schiller, Alan Zweibel, etc.
[ open on Woman auditioning on stage ]
Woman: “Shoot, if you must, this old grey head, But spare her country’s flag,” she said.”
Director: That’s terrific, sweetheart. Thank you very much, you’ll hear from us.
Woman: Thank you, thank you!
Casting Agent: Just like you, Fred! What other director would in Hollywood would cast EVERY single part, right down to the smallest character?
Director: Well, listen, I’ve spent two years putting this thing together, I’m not gonna let some two-bit extras screw things up. I’ve got a hot script, I’ve got the best cast every assembled: Marlon Brando, Jane Fonda, Shelley Winters —
Casting Agent: Tatum O’Neal — you’ve got ’em all.
Director: I swear, George — “Too Young to Live” is destined to go right up there with the classics.
Casting Agent: Listen, before lunch, we still have some people out there.
Director: Yeah, but all that’s left to cast is the crowd scene.
Casting Agent: Well, uh — there’s a crowd waiting out in the hall. They have a two o’clock appointment.
Director: Terrific! Send them in!
Casting Agent: Okay. [ he calls out ] Uh — NEXT, please![ a huge crowd of actors flood the stage from all directions ]
Director: I’m sorry, uh, to have kept you waiting. I guess you’re a little bit nervous. [ the crowd waves it off ] Yeah, well, just try and relax, this should be VERY easy for you. I’m gonna just ask a few preliminary questions first. Uh — your name?
Director: Did you get that?
Casting Agent: Yeah, I got it.
Director: Okay. [ to the crowd ] Uhhhh — what was your last picture?[ the crowd rocks back and forth across the stage, screaming, “Whoa-oa-oa!!! Whoa-oa-oa!!!” ]
Casting Agent: “Earthquake”.
Director: Yeah. [ to the crowd ] Of course! That’s where I recognized you from! You were very, very good in that.[ the crowd nods humbly ]
Casting Agent: You know, you look a LOT thinner in person![ they all laugh ]
Director: Okay! Let’s start. Uh — now, you’re in the desert, and you’ve just sighted a UFO — let’s see how you respond! ACTION!![ one woman in the crowd points to the sky ]
Woman of Group: Up there! Look![ the crowd follows her gaze, then they all point their arms in the air in awe and follow the motion of the UFO as it passes ]
Director: CUT!! Good, good! I believed you! That was very nice. Why don’t we run through a couple of the basics now? I’d like you to go from a restless multitude to an unruly, threatening mob. Okay? Start restless, build up to unruly and threatening… and ACTION!!!
Director: Alright, CUT, CUT, CUT!! Very nice, thank you! Excuse us for a second. [ to ?? ] What do you think?
Casting Agent: I’m getting too much, too long. We want MORE, not long.
Director: [ to the crowd ] Alright! We’re gonna try something else, Crowd. It’s 1927, uh, Lindbergh has just landed in Paris; you are excited and thrilled. ACTION!![ the crowd displays excitement — confetti is thrown, a sign that reads “VIVE LINDY!” is waved, etc. ]
Director: OKAY!! CUT!! CUT!! That’s beautiful! Very, very pretty. Now, I’d like to see you, uh — I’d like to see you work with a little PANIC! Why don’t we try this: You are Japan! Godzilla is ravishing Tokyo! ACTION!![ the crowd points and panics and pushes each other towards the back of the stage ]
Director: CUT!! Very, very nice! Uh — hang on a second. [ to the casting agent ] Who taught this crowd how to act?
Casting Agent: I don’t know, don’t ask me…
Director: I want to try something. I want to see how flexible they are. [ to the crowd ] Uh, listen, Crowd — Dorothy and Toto have just arrived in Munchkinland. I want you to make them feel warm and welcome, okay? ACTION![ the crowd falls to their knees, hod their arms out and chatter in high-pitched voices ]
Director: CUT!! Very nice! Very nice. I think I have a good, uh, sense of your range. If you could just, uh, leave a picture? [ a group crowd portrait is shuttled forward ]
Casting Agent: How about phone numbers?
Director: Phone numbers? [ a telephone book is shuttled forward ] Thank you. Thank you very much! That’s very nice, uh — oh! I forgot to ask you one thing: Do you lynch?[ desperate for the job, the crowd breaks into mass hysteria, as one member climbs upon the shoulders of others and tosses a hangman’s noose over a beam, and others lift a Black member of the group up and shove his panicked head through the noose ]
Director: CUT!!! GREAT!! GREAT!! YOU’VE GOT THE JOB!![ the crowd congratulates themselves, as the Black man is set free and the scene fades ]