Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 21
Dell Stator’s Toad Ranch Restaurant
Kenny Slungard … Dan Aykroyd
1st Diner … Jane Curtin
2nd Diner … Buck Henry
Singers … Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman
Kenny Slungard: [cowboy hat, Western string tie, vest,thick Western accent] In these days of runawayinflation, there aren’t many family restaurants leftwith quality service and good food value. Now, we’retalkin’ about the kind of restaurant that doesn’tsacrifice that Sunday dinner feelin’ and still servesthe family a tasty meal at home town prices. They justdon’t seem to be around any more. Except one: DellStator’s 99 cent Toad Ranch! [sign on the wall reads:Dell Stator’s Inc. 99¢ TOAD RANCH RESTAURANT — alsomounted on the wall: rifles, a chart showing thevarious cuts of toad meat, and a sign reading: ALL THESALAD YOU CAN EAT – ALL THE SANGRIA YOU CAN DRINK] Hi,I’m Kenny Slungard, Chief Rustler for Dell Stator’s 99cent Toad Ranches, home of the world famous DellStator Toad Pit and the Dell Stator Patented BroilingMethod where we can guarantee you the best 99 centtoad steak you’ll ever eat. How? Because at every DellStator 99 cent Toad Ranch we breed our own toads righton the premises. [takes the top off a metal wash basinand holds it up to the camera — inside are tiny reallive toads] Like these plump young toad steers –right here in one of the Stator Toad Pits, right here!Pick your own, just like I’m doin’, right out of theStator Toad Pit. [grabs a toad] All of Dell Stator’stoads are butterfly- and firefly-fed, coated in DellStator’s special sauce and [holds a couple of toads upto the camera] they are the only toads that areprepared using the Stator Patented Broiling Method inthe world famous Stator Toad Pit, to give you and yourfamily the thickest, juiciest toad steaks and roastsyou’ve ever eaten. [walks over to two diners at anearby table] All right, now. Ha ha! How iseverything, folks?!
1st Diner: [mouth full] That’s real tasty toad!
2nd Diner: [toad meat hanging out of his mouth] Ican’t think of a time when we’ve had better toad!
Kenny Slungard: Yeah! So come on down here to yourlocal Dell Stator’s 99 cent Toad Ranch and get in onthat big bicentennial toad drive! Ho! Looks like thisherd’s just about ready here! [returns to the toad pitand lights up a flaming acetylene torch with a wink]Yeah! [starts to torch some toads]
Singers: [enter from either side of the screen,singing]When you’re at home or on the road
And you’ve got to stop when you crave that toad
Dell Stator’s, Dell Stator’s
Dell Stator’s Family Toad Ranch!
Kenny Slungard: Yeah! And, you know, I’m the kind thatLOVES to eat ’em raw! [dangles a wriggling toad overhis mouth to the disgust of the audience]