Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 22
Mr. Russo…..Dan Aykroyd
Johnny Sagpants…..Garrett Morris
Moe Greenstein…..Elliott Gould
Ramone Diarga…..Chevy Chase
[ pull down from audience balcony shot to the set below ]
Mr. Russo: Well, I’m ready to play some Poker, Johnny! How soon is this European hotshot gonna arrive?
Johnny Sagpants: Well, any minute now, Mr. Russo. His reply said 9:30.
Mr. Russo: Well, it’s nice of him to grace our humble city of N’awlins though, isn’t it? [ he chuckles ] They say he’s a gentleman of honor, you know? And, Johnny, there aren’t many gentlemen left in the world today.
Johnny Sagpants: Well, uh, they say he’s the best card player in all Europe, so you’d better be on your toes tonight, Mr. Russo!
Mr. Russo: Don’t you worry yourself, Johnny! You just hand me my stakes when I want ’em, then sit back and watch somebodty get taught a lesson![ they laugh, as a knock is heard at the door ]
Johnny Sagpants: Oh, that must be them now!
Mr. Russo: Well, show them in, Johnny, by all means. Show them in!
Johnny Sagpants: Yes, indeed![ Johnny answers the door ]
Moe Greenstein: Good evening! Excuse us for being late. May I introduce Mr. Ramone Diarga himself! [ Diarga shakes hands with Russo ]
Mr. Russo: Very, very pleased to meet you!
Moe Greenstein: I’m Moe Greenstein, Mr. Diargo’s personal interpretor and backer. And you, sir, you must be Mr. Russo, I presume.
Mr. Russo: My southern hospitable pleasure and honor to meet you gentlemen and welcome you into my home! [ he shakes Greenstein’s hand ] I’d like you to meet my most… [ Diarga kisses Russo’s hand ] trusted manservant, friend and consultant — Johnny Sagpants! [ Johnny nods ] Been with me for thirty years! Johnny, whiskey, please! Gentlemen, please be seated, please sit down here! How about we start with some, uh, Royal Five Card Draw — $1,000 limit, three raises.[ they all sit at the poker table ]
Moe Greenstein: Well… thise raises sound pretty steep, sir.
Mr. Russo: Mmm-hmm…[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga says that it’ll be fine with him.
Mr. Russo: Good. Good, good! Well, permit me to have the honor of toasting your visit to out fair city here! [ they stand and toast their glasses ] The honor of the first deal, sir, will go to you.[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Greenstein mumbles back ]
Mr. Russo: You know, Mr. Diarga, everything in the south of the great nation is indeed an honor! And it is indeed an honor to extend the courtesy to honorable and distinguished gentlemen from the fine, fine nation of Europe! Yesirree! Five Card Draw — a gentlemen’s poker game!
Moe Greenstein: And I know Mr. Diarga agrees with you.[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: He says that it is HIS honor to be honored by your hospitable generosity, Your Honor.
Mr. Russo: Well, I am indeed honored.
Mr. Russo: Uh — excuse me, excuse me, please! [ to Johnny ] Don’t bother me, Johnny, I’ve got something coming my way here. [ to Diarga ] Uh, you’ve got all the cards in your hand. I believe that’s, uh, that’s not correct, sir. I mean, uh, you have all the…[ Greenstein mumbles to Diargara in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Diarga responds in kind ]
Moe Greenstein: Oh. Mr. Diarga apologizes, sir. He’s used to the European custom, on the first hand, to hold all the cards if you’re dealing.
Mr. Russo: [ laughing ] Ah! Well, we’ll call it a misdeal! [ Diarga collects all the cards so thet can start over ] I understand you are gentlemen of honor, I’m a gentleman of honor, this was done with honor! You’re a SCHOLAR of honor — [ Diarga grabs one stack of Russo’s stakes ] And wait just a minute now! I believe this belongs to ME!
Moe Greenstein: That’s another custom, sir. It’s a trifle. It’s a custom.
Mr. Russo: Ah! Another custom!
Moe Greenstein: It’s a custom.[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Greenstein mumbles back ]
Mr. Russo: Well, I accept it with honor. [ Diarga deals the cards ] Yes, indeed. You know, my great-grandfather, David Benoit, was involved in affairs in France, but, uh, he never actually, uh, took me over here, but I knew, uh, except — [ Diarga peeks at Russo’s cards ] Excuse me! Y-y-y-you just looked at my cards, Mr. Diarga! Now, please, I’m afraid you can’t do that![ Greenstein and Diarga mumble back and forth to one another in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: [ to Russo, in all seriousness ] You don’t play Dealer’s Look in this country?
Mr. Russo: [ confused ] “Dealer’s Look”? Why, I-I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that.[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: Once again, sir, Mr. Diarga apologizes and HONORS you with the taking of your stakes in a show of good faith and honor.
Mr. Russo: [ more confused ] The taking of my stakes, sir?
Moe Greenstein: Ohhhh, yes. The taking of the stakes. It’s an honor seldom even in the European capitols of your nation.
Mr. Russo: Well!
Moe Greenstein: Once, at Buckingham Palace. You know, sir, Mr. Diarga genuinely respects you, Mr. Russo.
Mr. Russo: Hmm… [ Diarga rises for a toast ] Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed! [ he stands ] [ Diarga mumbles his toast in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga says that he has NEVER encouraged such graciousness and hospitality as New Orleans hosptiality, and that you, sir, are a true-blooded gentleman of great honor! and he says that he will take more stakes — in your honor, sir![ Diarga collects more of Russo’s stakes ]
Johnny Sagpants: Mr. Russo, this is ridiculous!
Mr. Russo: Never mind, Johnny. Just get me some more stakes and a few more whiskeys.
Johnny Sagpants: Mr, Russo, man, he is busting your chops!
Mr. Russo: [ sitting down ] Uh — uh — hold it, hold it here! Let’s play a different game, alright? Just for a little variety’s sake. [ he chuckles ] Okay? We’ll just call this a misdeal, shall we?[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga wants to know if you will continue to give him the honor of the first deal?
Mr. Russo: Why, certainly! Certainly! I’d be quite pleased to! Pleased to.[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, then picks Up Russo’s stakes and hands them to Greenstein ]
Moe Greenstein: Uh — he thanks you once again, sir, and he honors you with the giving… of the stakes. This is where he takes your stakes, and he gives them to me — for which I am DEEPLY honored, sir, for your fine Southern hospitality, and I wish to thank you myself, Mr. Russo!
Mr. Russo: Whyyyyy… you’re most welcome! How about a little Blackjack? Maybe I can recoup a bit of my losses here.[ Greenstein mumbles to Diarga in an incomprehensible foreign accent ] [ Diarga nods, then deals the cards — one facedown to Russo, one facedown to himself; one facedwon to Russo, one face up for himself; then one each face-up for both of them ]
Mr. Russo: Uh, begging your pardon — but I believe you’re supposed to deal one down and one up. Is that not the correct procedure?[ Diarga and Greenstein mumble to each other in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga apologizes once again, sir, for the mistake, and he drinks to you with both his own AND with your drink.[ Diarga chugs both drinks ]
Mr. Russo: [ stunned ] Why, I — I am naturally honored, sir! Naturally, I’m honored. [ Diarga grabs more of russo’s stakes and pockets his playing cards ] Uh — excuse me there. I think, uh — well, I —
Johnny Sagpants: [ coming in early ] Hey, wait a minute! That’s Mr. Russo’s cards you got, isn’t it?
Mr. Russo: Uh — yes. Yes.
Ramone Diarga: [ confused ] Blackjack?
Mr. Russo: Ante it up here! [ Diarga deals the cards ] BLACKJACK!! Yes!
Ramone Diarga: Blackjack! [ he deals more cards to Russo ]
Mr. Russo: Wait a minute! I had a Blackjack there!
Moe Greenstein: Sir!
Johnny Sagpants: Wait a minute! Now you’re hitting Mr. Russo’s cards!
Moe Greenstein: Sir! Excuse me. In Europe, the expression “Blackjack” means “Hit me! Give me another card.”
Ramone Diarga: [ still throwing down cards ] Blackjack! Blackjack!
Moe Greenstein: Once again, Mr. Diarga is deeply ashamed and humbled by misunderstanding the New Orleans Blackjack rules.
Mr. Russo: Well! I’m sure it was a misunderstanding with honor, and if that’s okay with —
Moe Greenstein: With HONOR!
Mr. Russo: HONOR!
Moe Greenstein: With honor, sir!
Mr. Russo: We’ll call it a misdeal, and you can just give me back my stake there, if you would, please. Please, sir! Please![ Russo grabs for his stakes, but Diarga pushes him back ]
Moe Greenstein: No, no. Mr. Russo…[ Diarga mumbles in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Mr. Russo: Please!
Moe Greenstein: The Count — Diarga — says that you are the most accomodating and hospitable gentleman the world has ever known, sir. And that it would be the GREATEST insult for you to take any money back from him.
Mr. Russo: Uh, well — fine. That’s done with honor! Done with honor! [ he clears his throat ]
Moe Greenstein: He would like another drink, and he says that you are very handsome fellow and he’d like to meet your wife immediately.
Mr. Russo: Well, I — I don’t have a wife. My wife is long since DEAD.[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Greenstein responds ]
Moe Greenstein: In that case, he no longer wishes to meet your wife, uh, and he publicly mourns her and, uh, it’s a great custom in Europe, and privately we feel that we should, uh, return to the hotel and mourn privately.
Mr. Russo: Well! I am indeed IMPRESSED by your gallantry and honor, mourning my wife! [ Diarga and Greenstein collect all the stakes ] I don’t know what to say, except show these gentlemen to the door, please! Please, Johnny! I’m TOUCHED by this show of affection for someone you did not know. I — I — I — I’m very pleased![ Diarga and Greenstein grab a pair of candleabras ]
Moe Greenstein: Sir, you’re a most honorable gentleman, it was a privilege to play with you, sir!
Mr. Russo: [ breaking into tears ] I take this as the greatest gesture of honor — indeed, a gesture of honor here and now!
Ramone Diarga: So long, thanks a lot.[ Diarga and Greenstein exit ]
Johnny Sagpants: Mr. — Mr. — Mr. Russo! Did you hear that? He spoke English!
Mr. Russo: [ sobbing ] Yes, I know! He even took the courtesy to learn the language![ Johnny rolls his eyes ] [ dissolve to audience zoom upon woman, with SUPER: “Who Are We To Judge This Person?” ] [ fade ]