Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 22
75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone
The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Mr. Spock…..Chevy Chase
Captain Kirk…..John Belushi
Mr. Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura
Lt. Uhura…..Doris Powell
Voice of Mr. Scott…..Dan Aykroyd
Dr. McCoy…..Dan Aykroyd
Herb Goodman…..Elliot Gould
Curtis…..Garrett Morris
Announcer: The following program is brought to you in livingcolor by NBC.
Mr. Spock: Captain Kirk to the bridge! Captain Kirk to the bridge!
Captain Kirk: Yes, Mr. Spock?
Mr. Spock: Sensors are picking up an unidentified vessel, Captain, headed straight for us.
Captain Kirk: Range, Mr. Sulu?
Mr. Sulu: .43 light years, sir, and closing fast.
Captain Kirk: Lt. Uhura, open a hailing frequency.
Lt. Uhura: I’ve been trying to reach them, but there’s been noresponse, sir.
Captain Kirk: [ into microphone ] This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Identify yourself. [ to Uhura ] Put them on the viewscreen, full magnification.
Lt. Uhura: Aye aye, sir.
Captain Kirk: [ into microphone ] Repeat. Identify yourself.[ viewscreen shows a maroon 1968 Chrysler limo flying behind them ] What kind of ship is that, Mr. Spock?
Mr. Spock: Fascinating, Captain. It would appear to be an earlygas combustion vehicle, at least two or three hundred years old.
Captain Kirk: Run it through the computer. Find out what thoselittle numbers mean. I want answers.
Mr. Spock: Process visual feed. Analyze and reply.
Captain Kirk: I have a hunch, Mr. Spock, that we are about to face a menace more terrifying than the flying parasites of Ingraham B; more insidious than the sand-bats of Manark 4; more bloodthirsty than the vampire clouds of Argus 10. I have a hunch that “thing” out there is deadlier than the Romulans, the Klingons, and the Gorns all rolled into one.
Mr. Spock: Here is the readout, Captain. The computer has identified the alien vessel as a 1968 Chrysler Imperial with a tinted windshield and retractable headlights.
Captain Kirk: And the little blue and orange numbers?
Mr. Spock: That’s called a “California license plate”, and it’sregistered, or was in 1968, to a corporation known as “NBC”. Wait.. there’s something more.. The computer isn’t sure, but it thinks this NBC used to manufacture cookies.
Captain Kirk: Could that be some sort of illusion, Mr. Spock?
Mr. Spock: It’s no illusion, Captain. Scanner readings indicate two life forms inside that craft.
Captain Kirk: Mr. Sulu, increase speed to Warp Factor Eight.
Mr. Sulu: But, sir, that’s only for the most extreme emergencies. The ship can’t take it.
Captain Kirk: You heard my order, Mr. Sulu.
Mr. Sulu: Aye aye, sir.
Captain Kirk: [ recording Log ] Captain’s Log, Stardate 3615.6. On a routine delivery of medical supplies to Earth Colony 9, we are being chased through space by an automobile three centuries old, owned by a company that manufactured cookies. It would all seem silly if it weren’t for this feeling of dread that haunts me, a sense of impending doom.
Mr. Sulu: They’re right behind us, Captain.
Captain Kirk: Let’s lose them, Mr. Sulu. Prepare for evasive action. Helm hard to port! ..Hard to starboard! ..Hard to port!
Mr. Spock: Frankly, Captain, I’m exhausted.
Captain Kirk: Me, too. Stabilize, Mr. Sulu.
Mr. Sulu: Look, Captain, it’s no use. We can’t shake them.
Captain Kirk: Then we’ll give them a fight they won’t forget. [ into intercom ] All hands! Man your battle stations! This is not a drill! Red alert! Man your battle stations! Red alert!
Mr. Spock: But, Captain..
Captain Kirk: Lock phasers on target, Mr. Sulu.
Mr. Sulu: Phasers locked on target, sir.
Mr. Spock: But, Captain, you can’t..
Captain Kirk: Stand by to fire.
Mr. Sulu: Phasers standing by, sir.
Mr. Spock: But, Captain, we don’t know who the aliens are, or what they want. To kill them without warning would be highly illogical.
Captain Kirk: Fact: their intentions are unknown. Fact: I amresponsible for the lives of 430 crewmen. And, fact: I can’t afford totake any chances. Fire main phasers! [ nothing happens ] I said, “Fire main phasers!”
Mr. Sulu: I’m trying, sir. Nothing is happening.
Captain Kirk: Arm and lock photon torpedoes, Mr. Sulu.
Mr. Sulu: They’re not working either, Captain.
Captain Kirk: Deflectors up.
Mr. Sulu: Captain, the helm does not respond. The controlsare dead.
Mr. Spock: We’re slowing down, Captain. We’re stopping.
Captain Kirk: Bridge to engine room, acknowledge.
Voice of Mr. Scott: [ through control panel ] Scotty here, Captain.
Captain Kirk: What in blazes is going on, Scotty?
Voice of Mr. Scott: I dinna know, Captain. We’re losing power, and I don’t know why!
Captain Kirk: Well, do something, man! Go to manual override. Cut in auxilery systems.
Voice of Mr. Scott: Saints preserve us, Captain, but even theemergency systems are out.
Captain Kirk: Well, fix it, Scotty. I don’t care how, but fix it! The lives of 430 crewmen hang in the balance.
Mr. Spock: Life support system are still operative, Captain.
Captain Kirk: But for how long, Mr.Spock? For how long?Lieutenant Uhura, inform Starfleet Command of our situation.
Lt. Uhura: All communications are dead, Captain.
Dr. McCoy: Jim, Jim.. I.. I.. Jim..
Captain Kirk: Great God, man, spit it out!
Dr. McCoy: The aliens have boarded us, Jim, and they’re headed this way!
Captain Kirk: But how, Bones? How did they get on board? Did they beam on? Did they suddenly materialize?
Dr. McCoy: No, they just sort of stepped out from behind thecurtains.
Mr. Spock: Describe them, Doctor.
Dr. McCoy: There’s two of them. Bipeds, humanoid in appearance.Their clothing is drab except for a bright piece of cloth worn around the neck of the leader.
Mr. Spock: Was their anything else odd about their clothing?
Dr. McCoy: I’m a doctor, not a tailor, dammit! Wait, there was one other thing about them that seemed a bit strange. They spoke English! Quick, Jim, I hear them coming up the Turbo-lift! They’ll be here in seconds!
Captain Kirk: We’ll be ready for them, Doctor. [ they all pointtheir phasers at the entranceway as two executives enter ] Welcome aboard the Starship Enterprise. I’m Captain James T. Kirk, representing the United Federation of Planets.
Herb Goodman: Hi, I’m Herb Goodman, head of programming for thenetwork.
Captain Kirk: Stand back, I won’t hesitate to shoot!
Herb Goodman: Can I have your attention. Curtis, you want to turn off those sound effects?
Curtis: Sure thing. [ turns sound effects off ]
Herb Goodman: Everyone, please, can I have your attention? I have an announcement to make. Due to low Nielsen ratings, we at NBC have decided to cancel “Star Trek”.
Captain Kirk: Fire at my command!
Herb Goodman: On your way out, stop by the cashier’s office andpick up your checks.
Captain Kirk: Set phasers on “stun.” Fire!
Dr. McCoy: They’re not firing, Jim!
Captain Kirk: Try “kill!”
Dr. McCoy: Nope, still nothing.
Herb Goodman: You’ll make sure the property department gets those things back ,won’t you, fellas?
Mr. Spock: Most peculiar, Captain.. I can only conclude that they possess some sort of weapons deactivator, in which case I shall merely render him unconcious with my famous Vulcan nerve pinch.
Herb Goodman: Of course, if it was up to me, you could keep them – as souvenirs, give them to your kids, whatever.. But you see, they’re planning to market a complete line of Trekkie merchandise, and I have to send these to Taiwan to be copied.. [ Mr. Spock applies the Vulcan nerve pinch, but Goodman misinterprets his action ] ..Isn’t that fabric something? You just can’t buy material like this in the States. No way! But I was lucky enough to find this great little tailor who flies in from London four times a year.. oh, Nimoy, we’ll need those ears back, too, I’m afraid. [ pulls Spock’s rubber ears off ]
Dr. McCoy: For God’s sake, man, we’re on a five-year mission toexplore space, the final frontier, and dammit, we’ve only been out three years!
Herb Goodman: Sorry, but it’s those Nielsens. If it was up tome, of course..
Captain Kirk: What are these “Nielsens” that the alienkeeps mentioning, Mr. Spock?
Mr. Spock: If I remember my history correctly, Captain, Nielsenswere a primitive system of estimating television viewers once used in the mid-twentienth century.
Dr. McCoy: If Man were meant to fly, he’d have better ratings, is that what you’re saying, Mr. Goodbody, whatever your name is? Come on, George, Nichelle.. let’s go tie one on.
Lt. Uhura: I’m with you, Kelley.
Mr. Sulu: Maybe I’ll just go home..
Captain Kirk: Belay that kind of talk, Dr. McCoy.
Dr. McCoy: Forget it, Bill. We lost. It’s over. Are you coming, Leonard? [ Spock attempts nerve pinch on Dr. McCoy ] Knock it off, you joker!
Captain Kirk: Wait, Mr. Spock! We have yet to try Vulcan mind meld, where you actually enter the alien’s brain, merge with his intelligence and read his thoughts.
Mr. Spock: I entered Mr. Goodman’s mind while you were talking to Dr. McCoy, Captain. [ Curtis enters and pries the set apart with a crowbar ] It was all.. all dark and empty in there. And.. and there were little mice in the corners and spiders had spun this web..
Captain Kirk: Spock!
Mr. Spock: I kept bumping my head on the ceiling, and once..
Captain Kirk: Snap out of it, Spock!
Mr. Spock: [ with a shudder ] It’s okay, Captain.. I’m alright now.
Herb Goodman: What do you think, Curtis? Any chance we can sell this junk to “Lost in Space”?
Curtis: Well, it all comes apart..
Captain Kirk: Hey, get away from there!
Curtis: Right on, Buck Rogers! Is that an order?
Captain Kirk: No, it can’t end like this! I won’t let it! This is my ship! I give the orders here! I give the commands! I am responsible for the lives of 430 crewmen, and I’m not going to let them down! There’s got to be a way out!
Curtis: Let’s go, boys.
[ a group of NBC stagehands enter and begin to dismantle the set ]Mr. Spock: You are becoming quite emotional, Captain. Needless to say, my trained Vulcan mind finds such open displays of emotion distasteful. Emotion, you see, intereferes with logic, and it is only by dealing with problems in a logical, scientific fashion that we can arrive at valid solutions. Now, with regard to the alien takeover of the Enterprise, I would suggest that we seek some new alternative, based upon exact computer analysis, of course, and taking into consideration elements of.. [ suddenly breaks into a weeping lunatic ] ..Oh, God! I don’t believe it! We’re cancelled! How could they do this? Everyone I know loves the show! I have a contract! What about my contract! I want my ears back!
Herb Goodman: Curtis, can you give me a hand here?
Curtis: I have a couple Valium in my tool box, maybe that’ll help.
[ Spock exits the set ]Captain Kirk: So, it’s just me, is it? Well, I’ve been in tougher spots. Surrender? No way. I’d rather go down with the ship!
Herb Goodman: Oh, Shatner, your agent called you. Something about a margarine commercial. He said he’d call back.
Captain Kirk: Captain’s Log, final entry. We have tried to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. And except for one television network, we have found intelligent life everywhere in the galaxy. Live long and prosper. Captain James T. Kirk, SC 937-0176 CEC.
[ camera zooms out to show Captain Kirk/William Shatner sitting alone in what is revealed to be an empty TV studio. Further zoom out reveals studio cameras, boom mikes and technicians. Fade to black ]