Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 24
75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge
Talk Country
…..Kris Kristofferson
Kris: Howdy! Im Kris Kristofferson. I guess youre wonderin what a good ol boy from Nashville is doin talkin to you on some tutti-fruitti TV stage. Well, fact is, I make a pretty good livin doin just bout all the way I wanna do. I may not be no Bobby Dylan, but I dont have to go to work in the morning neither. And Im fixin to tell you all out there how to do the same thing. See, it wasnt always so easy for me, like a lot of you out there, I had a handicap that was fast ruinin my life. It was called education. I was a Rhodes scholar, damn… name was too damned good. To be honest with ya, I was becoming a burden to my family, and an embarrassment to my friends, and I was turnin out songs like, uh, Please, help me endure the angst of this lonely evening, and Bobby McGee and I, and… [pauses] To be sure, I couldnt get arrested. Right now youre probably asking yourself, Well, what turned it all around for him? Howd he write all those great songs and made him, well, kind of a… legend in his own time? The answer is in this book, Talk Country.
[He holds up a skinny coffee-table book with a photo of a shirtless Kristofferson with a guitar.]Kris: It took me ten years of dues-paying to learn whats in this book, and you can read the damn thing in an hour, in the comfort of your own home. Theres a whole chapter devoted to nothing but droppin your gs at the end of words, like believin, feelin, comin, children… Another on double negatives, and a special section on, uh, colorful country sayins, like, uh, as much chance as a one-legged man in an ass kickin contest, and feelin like a jackass between two haystacks. Point is, you dont need to have a prison record to be an outlaw. Or do any time in a drunk tank to be funky, its all right in here. Dont let your education stand in the way of stardom, and dont throw away a promising career just cause you cant say aint. Send $5.95 today to Talk Country, Station No. 38, New York City, New York.
[SUPERIMPOSE address at bottom of screen.]Kris: It worked for Merle Haggard… itll work for you. Well, Ive got to get back to makin music. [strums guitar once and sings rapidly] Im a loser, Im a learner, and Im filthy on the phone, I ran a buster to the bone, and Im a problem when Im home…
[FADE to black over applause.]Submitted by: Sean
