SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Gynecologist Blind Date


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Gynecologist Blind Date

Judy…..Jane Curtin
Gynecologist…..Kris Kristofferson

[In her apartment, Judy sits on the sofa and talks onthe phone.]

Judy: Margie, listen, he’s in the bathroom so I’ve gotto talk fast. Okay, remember how Eileen said that thiswould be the greatest blind date of my life — he’scute, he’s fun, he’s a doctor? He’s my gynecologist…. Because she never told me his last name, that’swhy! … Well, nothing’s happened so far except hesaid my pap test came out okay. … Well, I don’tknow, it’s just so awkward. I mean, the last time Isaw his face, it was coming up between my knees. …It’s embarrassing. I just don’t know if I can gothrough– [a door opens] I gotta get off — he’scoming. [quickly hangs up, pretends to read amagazine]

Gynecologist: [enters] Well, “Silent Movie” comes onat eight o’clock and, uh, “The Omen” — it might bea–

Judy: I-I-I-I, um, I don’t think I can go through withthis.

Gynecologist: What?

Judy: Going out with you. Going out with mygynecologist.

Gynecologist: Why? [joins Judy on sofa]

Judy: Well … because … I don’t even know whatmovie we’re seeing yet and you’ve already gotten tothird base.

Gynecologist: Hey, uh, Judy, all I did was perform aprofessional service for ya, just like an accountant.It’s like, it’s like if you were datin’ youraccountant.

Judy: Hey, I wouldn’t mind if you’d seen the inside ofmy checkbook.

Gynecologist: Look, let’s talk about somethin’ else,change the subject. That’s a great lookin’ shirt yagot on.

Judy: Well, are you sure? You’ve never seen me inanything but white paper. Hey, doesn’t it ever get toyou? I mean, knowing that you’ve seen the inside of my…

Gynecologist: Judy, I see these things all the time.

Judy: Well, that’s the difference. To you, they’re”these things.” To me, they’re MY things.

Gynecologist: Now, I didn’t mean it that way. It’sjust like if– I mean, imagine lookin’ at thirty orforty “things” a day, you know? Uh, if you can’t– Ifyou’re worryin’ about what I remember about yours, youknow, I can’t even remember which one it was.

Judy: You can’t?

Gynecologist: Promise.

Judy: That is a relief.

Gynecologist: Whew. [Judy sighs] Well, if you want tosee “Silent Movie,” we ought to go right now.

Judy: You really can’t remember … one thing?

Gynecologist: Uh uh. Uh uh.

Judy: Not even about the, uh, other half?

Gynecologist: Well, who could forget those, darlin’?Ha ha! Jokin’, of course, I’m only kidding, you see.

Judy: Oh.

Gynecologist: Hey, wait a minute. Are you mad becauseI DON’T remember, now?

Judy: Oh! No-ho-ho-ho! It’s wonderful to know that theman who probably has the most intimate contact withyour body can’t remember one thing.

Gynecologist: Good God, Judy, I’m a doctor. I can’tthink of my patients sexually. I have to think of ’emobjectively.

Judy: Sure.

Gynecologist: Well, you know what? You know what youare? You’re thinkin’ like everybody else thinks. Youthink it was a choice for me of either bein’ agynecologist or some dirty old man in an all-nightmovie with a newspaper on my lap. It was not thatchoice. Do you know what it was like for me in school?All my friends made me write down everything I saw sothey could read it in the bathroom later. And theother residents, man, they thought THEY were workin’but I was gettin’ a little.

Judy: Well?

Gynecologist: Well, every time I went out on a date,any woman that I was ever out with eventually gotaround to asking why I was ever interested in bein’ agynecologist and, uh, did I think about it a lot whenI was a little boy? Did I want to be one then? Did Ihave bad thoughts? You know, DO I have bad thoughts,you know?

Judy: [perhaps a little hopeful] Do ya?

Gynecologist: Doesn’t everybody? You do, admit it.

Judy: Well, I don’t think that I necessarily–

Gynecologist: All the time you have bad thoughts! Comeon, you could be havin’ ’em right now. Look at the wayyou cross your legs.

Judy: Well, no, I–

Gynecologist: In fact, that’s probably why you startedthis whole damn thing — you’re tryin’ to get in myknickers. I’m teasin’.

Judy: It’s not that I haven’t noticed you. I – I haveoccasionally peeked over the sheet — once.

Gynecologist: [laughs] Aha! You see, we’re gettin’down to the nitty gritty. [decides to confess] Hey,you wanna– If it’ll make you feel better, you know–Nobody ever got fixed up with their gynecologist byaccident. I felt funny about this thing and somebodyfixed us up — for me. That’s all.

Judy: Do you mean that?

Gynecologist: Yeah. When you was peekin’ over thesheet, I was peekin’ under it. [takes her hand] Hey,can we be friends about it?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Can we go to the movies?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Let’s get out.

[Holding hands, they rise and go to the door. He opensit for her. Halfway out the door, Judy stops and turnsto him, very pleased.]

Judy: You DID notice.

[She turns, head held high, and exits. He follows herout, shutting the door behind him. We pan across theempty room and off the set to the applauding audience.A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT… PIGGY BANKSFOR SWINE FLU VACCINE.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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