Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 24
Bobby McGee/Paisner/Farber…..Gilda Radner
Larry Farber…..John Belushi
[FADE IN on a closeup of Kris Kristoffersons hand strumming his guitar.]
Kris: “Busted flat in Baton Rouge,
Im headin for a train…”
Kris: “Feelin near as faded as my jeans…”[stops playing]
Kris: Thank you, thank you, thank you. That song is called Bobby McGee, and I wrote the thing back in 1969, and I guess you know how much it meant to me. What you probably dont know is there really was a Bobby McGee. Only it wasnt her name, it was Bobby Paisner, but I rhymed it… with me, and nothin rhymes with Paisner anyway, but it… somebody here at NBC took the trouble to hunt her down, and shes somewhere out there in the audience now, I aint seen her in seven years, and Id like you all to meet the real Bobby McGee. Bobby? Come up here.[The band plays an instrumental of Bobby McGee as Bobby steps up to home base. She has frosted, curly hair and a salmon-colored dress, and she carries a white pocketbook in front of her. She and Kris grin awkwardly at each other while the band winds up.]
Kris: Wow! Bobby… [kisses her cheek]
Bobby: [in a nasal voice] Kris. [laughter] Its wonderful to see you, you look, you look just fabulous. Tell me honestly, would you have recognized me?
Kris: Sure, sure. [they laugh] You look a little, dress a little different… [looks her up and down] I dont think Id forget the shape, anyway.
Bobby: [embarrassed] Oh…
Kris: Oh, boy. Hey, what happened to you, uh…
Bobby: Oh, you mean in Salinas?
Bobby: Oh, I had to leave, Id really had it with the road, you know, four weeks is a long time to be away from home, you know. And, uh, my parents sent me this plane ticket back to Chicago, and they were so SUPPORTIVE, they fixed up my old room and everything. And, you know, Ill never forget it, my father said to me, You cant be a grasshopper your whole life. You know, so I went back to college and I got my teaching certificate.
Kris: [stares lovingly at her] Wow…
Kris: So youre a teacher.
Bobby: Well, I never actually got a chance to teach, because thats when, uh, I met Larry.
Kris: [quietly] Larry who?
Bobby: Larry Farber.[Larry leaps up to home base.]
Larry: Hi, how are ya, Kris, nice to meet ya![Wearing a gray plaid blazer with a red tie and dark-rimmed glasses, Larry reaches for Kriss hand and pumps it heartily while the audience applauds.]
Bobby: This is my husband, Kris, Larry Farber.
Bobby: Hes in, uh, womans pocketbooks.
Larry: Yeah, lemme get a picture of you two over here. Cmon, get together here now, lets see…[Larry pulls out a camera with a tall flash bar and motions for Bobby to stand next to Kris. Kris dutifully puts his arm around Bobbys shoulder.]
Larry: Cmon, lets see that little smi–aha!
Larry: [in a nasal voice] Hi, kids! Hi, Tracy, hi, Jason! How are ya?
Larry: Theyre our kids, I promised Id say hello.
Kris: Hey, this is live TV…
Bobby: Theyre watching in Highland Park. Hi, kids.
Larry: Hi, kids!
Kris: [awkwardly] Well, thats really terrific, uh, your kids are out there…
Bobby: Yeah, you know something? Tracy, uhthey just LOVE you, youre their–theyre your biggest fans! Kris, really. Yknow, they always listen to your record. Their favorite one is 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.[laughter]
Larry: Yknow, all I ever hear them listen to is Elton John. [cracks up]
Bobby: Oh, Larrys such a joker, youre such a joker, Larry, hes really a joker.
Kris: [flatly] I bet you guys have a lot of yuks, dont ya?
Bobby: Um, Kris, Larrys never heard you sing. Could you sing Bobby McGee for him?
Kris: Oh, now, he dont wanna hear it.
Larry: Come on!
Bobby: Yes he does, really, he wants to hear it, Kris? Its our song, right? Its our song.
Larry: Yeah, yknow Bobby tells me youve been quite a MAN out there, pal. [claps his shoulder] Hey?
Bobby: God knows, I never saw a penny. [laughter] Go ahead and sing it, though, Kris, please.[Kris starts playing his guitar.]
Kris: Well, “I–lets see–I took my harpoon out
Of my dirty red bandanna,
Blowin sad while Bobby sang the blues…”
Bobby: Oh, I love it.
Kris: “Them windshield wipers slappin time,
And Bobby clappin hands…”
Larry: Yeah, I love it. Really, nice.
Bobby: Yeah, you know… You know, Ive waited so long for the two of you to meet, really.
Larry: Oh, yeah.
Bobby: You know, Kris, Ive told Larry all about you.
Kris: All about me?
Larry: [joshing] Whats that supposed to mean?
Bobby: Okay.[They both pant and guffaw stupidly for a moment.]
Bobby: [to Kris] We really had some good times, didnt we?
Kris: [clearly uncomfortable] Yeah, they were some crazy, zany old times!
Bobby: Yeah. Cmon, Kris, finish the song, yknow, a lot of my friends back in Highland Park dont believe that Im the real Bobby McGee. So, could you just sing it for them, please, sing the rest of the song?
Kris: Uh, look–
Bobby: Please? Please?[Kris haltingly picks a few notes.]
Bobby: [grinning] Pretty please, with sugar on top? Please? Could you sing it, Kris?
Kris: [muttering quickly through his lines] Somewhere near Salinas, well, I let her slip away…
Bobby: Yeah. Yeah.
Kris: California, coal mines of Kentucky to the California sun, Bobby shared the secrets of my soul…
Larry: Hey, when were you in Kentucky, sweetheart?
Kris: [softly] Standin right beside me, through everything I done…
Larry: Uh, I, I thought you were just hitchhiking back to school!
Kris: [softly] Every night she kept me from the cold…
Bobby: Larry, it was a long time ago.[They all stop while Larry glares at Kristofferson.]
Larry: Kept me from the cold? Is that what you said? Kept me from the cold?
Bobby: Yes, he said kept me from the cold.
Larry: [getting sore] I thought you just talked! I thought it was one afternoon, uh, I thought you said you just happened to get a ride in the same truck at one time, that was it!
Bobby: [in a monotone] Look, LARRY, it was a long time ago, it was dark, there was a thunderstorm, it was chilly, it looked like night. Enough is enough. [turns back to Kris and smiles] Go ahead, Kris, sing the song.
Kris: Standin in the road…
Larry: [shortly] Go ahead, sing it. Cmon.
Kris: I dont think its ever gonna be that–
Bobby: He wants to hear the rest of it, cmon.
Larry: I wanna hear that song!
Kris: [at breakneck speed] Somewhere near Salinas, I let her slip away, looking for the love I hope she finds–she found…
Bobby: [humming along] Mm, mm…
Kris: Id trade all my tomorrows for some single yesterday, and holding Bobbys body next to mine–
Larry: Okay, okay, holding Bobbys body next to mine. Wait. Look, I get the picture. Im not stupid. You know, I may not be a folk singer, but I am not stupid. I know whats goin on, holding Bobbys body next to mine.
Bobby: Larry, I dont believe this. I dont believe you could–
Larry: Let him ANSWER it! Cmon!! What is that supposed to mean, fella?
Kris: Hey, Frank–Far–Larry…
Larry: LARRY! Larry Farber.
Kris: [losing patience] When youre in the front seat of a truck–
Kris: –and theres three of you, and when you got a… a… harpoon…
Larry: Yeah, sure.
Kris: And a bandanna…
Kris: Somebodys butt is going to be next to somebody elses.
Larry: [shoves him] Yeah, howd ya like to step outside for a knuckle sandwich pal? Cmon! [removes jacket]
Larry: [slips back into jacket] Cmon, weirdo! Lets go! Cmon, pal![Rita Coolidge suddenly walks up from backstage and stops next to Kris.]
Kris: [to Bobby] Honey, I would like you to meet somebody real special. [to Rita] This is Bobby McGee. And her, its Bobby…
Bobby: [smiles at Rita] Its Bobby Farber now, right.
Kris: And her husband Larry.
Bobby: This is my husband Larry Farber, womans pocketbooks, right. [holds out pocketbook]
Larry: [waves briefly at Rita] Nice to meet you.
Rita: [smiles politely to Bobby] Its beautiful.
Bobby: Thank you. Uh– [to Kris] Listen, uh, just one last thing for me, Kris. Could you just finish the song, please? A lot of people dont believe–
Kris: [quickly] Freedoms just another word for nothin left to lose…
Bobby: [droning] Nothin left but nothin every daaaaaay, nothing aint worth nothing… [to Larry] I wrote the na na-na part.
Larry: [sullenly] Yeah, I know.
Bobby: Okay?[They all sing for a moment while Kris plays.]
Bobby: Remember the na na-na part? [sings] Na na-na, na na-na na na…
Larry: Feeling good was… good enough for YOU!
Bobby: Na na-na, na na na-na…
Larry: It was good then! Now, now what does it take, huh?[CUT to Kris and Rita as they watch in disbelief.]
Larry: Next two weeks in the Caribbean, now, to set you straight.
Larry: Yeah, the charge card, the tennis lessons for the kids, a house in Benton Harbor, the analyst…
Bobby: Na na-na, na na na-na…
Larry: The damned analyst, the KIDS damned analyst. I shoulda been a damned FOLK singer, thats what I shoulda been!!
Bobby: Larry, youre making a–
Larry: AW, NO! I shoulda been a folk singer, and grown a beard! [grabs Bobbys arm] No, lets get out of here!
Bobby: [slaps his arm] No!
Larry: [dragging her offstage] Were getting out of here!![He growls at her and pulls her quickly off past the cameras. Audience applauds as Kris and Rita watch them go in disbelief.]
Rita: Thats Bobby McGee? I mean, thats Bobby McGee?
Kris: [takes a deep breath] That was a long time ago, things were different in the 60s. [to audience] Wait! Well be right back in a few minutes, folks! [to Rita] Listen, this one means a lot to me…[As they talk quietly, PAN back over applause and FADE to black.]
Submitted by: Sean