Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 24
Waiting For Pardo
Bill: Is he comin’?
Bob: I don’t think so.
Bill: Have you ever seen him?
Bob: No. Nobody has.
Bill: Well, how do you know he exists?
Bill: How do you know he exists?
Bob: I’ve heard him.
Bill: Where? On game shows?
Bob: Yes. “Jeopardy.”
Bill: We can’t wait much longer.
Bob: We don’t have much time.
Don Pardo: Yes, you do, boys! ‘Cause here’s good news![The tramps are mildly surprised to hear the campy,booming voice of legendary announcer Don Pardo rapidlyreading what sounds like ad copy as we iris to animage of wristwatches in deep space – the brand ofwatch is IMMANUEL KANT OF GERMANY] Space and time areempirically real but transcendentally ideal, Bill!Yours from Immanuel Kant — where Time and Space workhand-in-hand for you! [dissolve back to the tramps]
Bill: What’s it like?
Bill: The face of Pardo.
Bob: It’s been said that it’s very beautiful.
Bob: Though no one’s ever seen it.
Bill: Let’s look for it. [Bob looks inside a boot thathe carries while Bill looks skyward at the sound ofDon Pardo’s Olympian voice]
Don Pardo: Keep looking, boys! [iris to an image ofluggage – brand name: Spinoza] ‘Cause all things whichare are in themselves or in another thing, Bill!Another quality idea from Spinoza! [dissolve back tothe tramps]
Bob: [off his boot] Well, he’s not in here.
Bill: [off his shoe] Not in here either.
Bob: [tries to put on Bill’s shoe] It’s a struggle.
Bill: Puttin’ on your shoe?
Bob: No, puttin’ on yours.
Bill: [puts his hat on his foot] I think we’re losingthis game.
Don Pardo: No way, big fella! [iris to an image offine jewelry – brand name: MARX OF LONDON] Theproletarians have nothing to lose but their chains!Workers of the world unite, Bob! From “Das Kapital” byMarx! Back to you, Bill! [dissolve back to the tramps]
Bob: Tell me … you like my T-shirt?
Bill: I have one.
Bob: Let’s just … keep waiting.
Don Pardo: And you’ll be glad you did, you luckydevils, you! [iris to image of cruise ships with thewords 5 DAYS 6 NIGHTS – I CHING TO HONG KONG] Because,from the fabulous Book of Changes, comes success! Itfurthers one to cross the great water! Perseverancefurthers, Bill! From the good folks at I Ching!
Bill: He must be very smart.
Don Pardo: I think, therefore I am, Bill! [dissolve toimage of men’s designer slacks and the Eiffel Tower -brand name: René Descartes of Paris] Something tothink about from René Descartes of Paris! [dissolveback to the tramps]
Bob: Knock knock.
Bill: Who’s there?
Bill: Knock knock.
Bob: Who’s there?
Bob: One hundred bottles of beer on the wall …
Bill: One hundred bottles of beer …
Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall …
Bill: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall …
Bob: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall …
Don Pardo: And while you’re waiting for Pardo, have anice day, Bill! [dissolve to image of a smiley faceunderneath which is the name of Rod McKuen] Looselybased on a concept by Rod McKuen.
Bob: Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall …
Bill: Ninety-eight bottles of beer …
Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall …[stage darkens] [cue accidental superimposition over Chevy and Kris, instead of over an unsuspecting audience member: “Making Loud Sucking Noises With tongue and Teeth, But You Can’t Hear Them”] [fade]