Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 24
75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge
I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday Night
Sherry Norwalk…..Laraine Newman
[FADE IN on Sherry sitting on the edge of a desk and smiling coyly. She is wearing a black leather gown covered with silver spikes and slit down the middle to reveal her entire cleavage.]
Sherry: [looking off camera] Thank you, Mr. Kristofferson. [to camera] Hellooo. My name is Sherry Norwalk. And I got special permission from the FCC–thats the Federal Communications Club–to come on television and tell my story. [plays with her hair] Okay, last October I went up to the Saturday Night offices cause I think the show is really boss, and I wanted tickets. Well, they were out of tickets, but as I was leaving, Dave Wilson, the director, said I had a bitchin bod, and would I like to come and spend the weekend with him up in Parsippany, New Jersey, cause his wife was dead? So I went up, and it was really great and everything, except his wife wasnt really dead, shed just gone shopping! God-created people can be SOOOOOO forgetful. Anyways, I got this phone call from the show the next day, and they said that Dave had recommended me for a job as a secretary for fourteen thousand, four hundred dollars a year!
[laughter]
Sherry: And they didnt even mind that I couldnt type, or file, or do shorthand. [pauses] So, they told me I was gonna do light secretarial work, and maybe help the writers out, if I could sometimes. And I did that. Like Alan Zweibel, hes this big Jewish writer? Well, he was really weird, man. He made me feel really guilty about the way his people suffered in Egypt? [laughter] So hed get undressed, and have me sing Go Down Moses.
[riotous laughter]
Sherry: It got stranger, man, Im not kidding. Like did you know some comedy writers dont like to work a-a-in the office, they work at home and at night? And they dont write things DOWN, they act em out first! Like Tom Schiller asked me to act out a scene with him in his apartment. Then he called two other writers, Tom Davis and Al Franken? And–cause he said he was having trouble with his inspiration. [raises finger in air] Sooo, they came over, and we all acted out this scene, except it wasnt in the show. [makes a quizzical face] Which I thought was really weird, and after a while, it got even MORE disgusting. Like Michael ODonoghue? He just COULDNT finish writing the Star Trek skit unless I kept whispering to him the words, Rocket ships are okay, but your muscle is tremendous. [laughter] It was really disgusting.
[Sherry holds up a white audio cassette case.]
Sherry: And then there was Herb Sargent. Hes this older writer with white hair, and he was really like a father figure. A really strict father. Like, you know, he used to take his belt and tie me up and spank me! And I didnt even do anything WRONG!
[She puts down the cassette and picks up a thick hardcover book.]
Sherry: Anyways, thats why Ive written this book. Its called, I Was Not a Sucker for Saturday Night.
[Audience laughs as she holds up the book with the title on the front.]
Sherry: Cause a really think the public has a right to know.
[phone rings]
Sherry: Saturday Night? Yes, okay, Ill be right up.
[hangs up]
Sherry: I have to help Chevy write Update.
[She slides off the desk and walks behind it, revealing her bare back to the camera.]
Sherry: Okay, lets see, pad, pencil…
[She picks up a pad and pencil from the desk and then steps over toward a large floor-model vacuum cleaner.]
Sherry: [with dismay] And apparatus.
[She picks up the vacuum cleaner and slings the hose over her shoulder. A feather duster is sticking out of it.]
Sherry: Its really disgusting.
[She exits stage left over applause. FADE to a young blonde woman in the studio audience and SUPERIMPOSE, SURVIVOR OF OFFICE SNUFF PARTY. The caption flickers badly, and she peers into the monitor to try and read it. ZOOM OUT as she turns to her companion and covers her face in embarrassment.]
Submitted by: Sean
