Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 11
75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka
Peter Cook and Dudley Moore’s Monologue
… Peter Cook
… Dudley Moore
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore!
Peter Cook: Thank you!
Dudley Moore: Thank you very much.
Peter Cook: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Uh, if there’s, uh, any confusion amongst you about which one of us is which …
Dudley Moore: Mm.
Peter Cook: … I think we ought to clear that up.
Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.
Peter Cook: I’m the, uh, I’m the tall one.
Dudley Moore: Good.
Peter Cook: And I’d also like to say something about the difference between English comedy and American comedy. We, uh, we tend not to have very many sort of zappy one-liners or anything like that.
Dudley Moore: No. It’s more sophisticated, you know, really. More, um… understated.
Peter Cook: Well, it’s more understated, I’d say.
Dudley Moore: Mm.
Peter Cook: Very understated, very subtle.
Dudley Moore: Yes.
Peter Cook: In fact, we’ve been here two years performing without a laugh.
Dudley Moore: Right. Right, and in fact I – I – I would think probably very few of you realize that we – we’ve cracked three wonderful jokes during these last few seconds. You see?
Peter Cook: It’s probably the sort of joke which will sink in about half an hour later.
Dudley Moore: Right, it’ll just grow and then people’ll be falling off their seats, you know.
Peter Cook: And just – just – just cracking up.
Dudley Moore: Yeah, absolutely.
Peter Cook: Anyhow, I think we should give an example of the sophisticated, understated English humor.
Dudley Moore: Why not? I’ll – I’ll get into some things.
[Moore walks off, a red curtain slides into view as a backdrop, Cook retreats to the curtain.]Peter Cook: He’s gonna get into some extremely sophisticated English costumes and we’ll move right along with this, uh, curtain or drape as you call it. The scene is set in a producer’s office. [moves a chair to center stage] By the magic of placing a chair in the middle of this place, we have conjured up a producer’s office. [in character, calls out to stage right] Uh, Miss Rigby? Stella, my love? Would you send in the next auditioner, please? Thank you, my dear.
[Enter Moore, grinning broadly, wearing trench coat, hopping on one leg, the other leg — the left one — tucked under the coat – he hops over to Cook and shakes hands.]Peter Cook: Nice to see you.
Dudley Moore: [still hopping up and down] Nice to see you.
Peter Cook: Settle down. [puts a hand on Moore’s shoulder and stops his hopping] Uh, Mr. Spiggott, is it not?
Dudley Moore: Yes, Spiggott’s the name, acting’s my game.
Peter Cook: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game.
Dudley Moore: Right.
Peter Cook: If you’d like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Spiggott.
Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.
Peter Cook: Thank you very much. [Moore hops over to the chair and rests his “stump” on it] Mr. Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan?
Dudley Moore: Yes.
Peter Cook: Uh, Mr. Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn’t help noticing — almost immediately — that you are a one-legged man.
Dudley Moore: Oh. You noticed that?
Peter Cook: When you’ve been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Spiggott, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively.
Dudley Moore: Yeah. Sort of ESP.
Peter Cook: That kind of thing, yes.
Dudley Moore: Mm, yes.
Peter Cook: Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan.
Dudley Moore: Yes, right.
Peter Cook: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste.
Dudley Moore: Yes, correct, yes, yes.
Peter Cook: And yet you, a unidexter… are applying for the role.
Dudley Moore: Yes, right, yes.
Peter Cook: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Dudley Moore: Yes, I think you ought to.
Peter Cook: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say with, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient.
Dudley Moore: The leg division?
Peter Cook: The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It’s a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, “Hello! What alovely leg for the role!”
Dudley Moore: Ah!
Peter Cook: I’ve got nothing against your right leg.
Dudley Moore: Ah!
Peter Cook: The trouble is — neither have you. [delayed applause] You, uh, you fall down on the left.
Dudley Moore: You mean it’s inadequate?
Peter Cook: It is inadequate, Mr. Spiggott.
Dudley Moore: Mm.
Peter Cook: In my view, the public is not yet ready …
Dudley Moore: No?
Peter Cook: … for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils, shouting “Hello, Jane.”
Dudley Moore: No. No, right.
Peter Cook: But don’t despair, Mr. Spiggott. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent.
Dudley Moore: Well, I’ve got twice as many.
Peter Cook: You’re streets ahead!
Dudley Moore: So there’s still hope?
Peter Cook: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Spiggott.
Dudley Moore: Ah!
Peter Cook: I mean, if we get no two-legged character actors in here within, say, the next, oh, [checks his wristwatch] eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type ofartiste we shall be attempting to contact with a view to jungle stardom.
Dudley Moore: [likes the sound of that] Jungle stardom.
[Moore gets off chair, shakes hands with Cook while hopping up and down.]Peter Cook: I’m just sorry I can’t be more definite at this stage.
Dudley Moore: Oh, good Lord!
Peter Cook: But you must understand … these days. We’ve so much tied up in the remake of Gone With The Wind, Part Four, we can’t afford…
[Applause drowns out some of Cook’s parting comments to Moore who exits right, hopping and waving goodbye. The SNL band begins to play and Cook, alone on stage, does a little hopping himself to the music as we fade out.]Submitted Anonymously
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