Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 2
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”. Substituting for the injured Chevy Chase is Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: [ on the phone ] Well, I really think you have the wrong number, Miss. A golden shower? Oh, is that one of those drinks you can get at the Hawaii Kai, with a little parasol — [ notices camera ] I gotta go, excuse me! [ hangs up ] Good evening, Jane Curtin with the news.
Our top story tonight: in a Playboy interview to be published next month, President Ford reveals that, in his heart, he committed celibacy.
Thursday, the first in a series of three presidential debates was held at Philadelphia’s Walnut Street Theater, in front of an estimated 100 million viewers. The candidates, President Ford and Governor Carter, each spoke for approximately 30 minutes. Then, to the confusion of everyone, whispered very softly for the remaining half-hour. It is generally agreed that President Ford won the first half-hour, Governor Carter the second half-hour, and the American people the third.
Washington Post newsman Nicholas von Hoffman, this week, referred to President Ford as “America’s Pet Rock”. Ford responded by writing an angry note, wrapping it around his head, and throwing himself through von Hoffman’s window.
Well, Patricia Hearst has been finally sentenced for her bank robbery conviction. Miss Hearst was sentenced to one night in the trunk of a car in her underwear, six months blindfolded on the floor of a closet, a year and a half of fear and terror, and seven years in prison. In sixteen months, she will be eligible to be kidnapped once again.
Oh, incidentally, you might recall that it was reported some time ago that Miss Hearst participated in group sex when she was a fugitive with the SLA. This was clarified that she did not, however, “go all the way”. Patty is basically an old-fashioned girl, who is saving herself for the right army.
Ever wonder what nuns are really like? Well, now we can all find out. The definitive book has just been written, and it vividly explains the sexual feelings, sexual attitudes and sexual practices of nuns. It’s an accurate and candid book. Once you pick it up, you won’t be able to open it.
Jane Curtin: And now, a special live remote from correspondent Laraine Newman at Times Square.
Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing in the center of Times Square, New York’s traditional celebration and meeting place. The turnout this year seems to be amller than expected – the crowds are lighter, the noisemakers quieter. A lot of feeling of excitement and expectation prevails, as the new year approaches. Of course at midnight, the big ball on top of the Allied Chemical Tower will drop, and the numeral 5737 will herald the new year. And, according to tradition, the Book of Life will then open, and God will decide the fate of the world for the next ten years. After ten days, however..
Jane Curtin: Uh, Laraine? Laraine?
Laraine Newman: Yes, Jane?
Jane Curtin: Are you talking about the Jewish New Year?
Laraine Newman: That’s right, Jane – Rosh Hashana!
Jane Curtin: Well, Laraine, that’s usually celebrated privately in homes and in synogogues, not in Times Square.
Laraine Newman: I thought it seemed a little quiet. Well, this is Laraine Newman saying, “Happy Birthday, Steve”, “Good Yanta”, and sending it back to you, Jane.
Rock star Elton John has revealed he is bisexual. The statement was made this week in a two-part interview – part one in Rolling Stone magazine; part two in Women’s Wear Daily.
In a tragically-related final story, TV personality Speedy Alka Seltzer came out of the medicine cabinet this week, and admitted that he was a bicarbonate. Fearful over possible criticism, the beloved Speedy threw himself into a bathtub and was fatally effervesced. A grief-stricken close friend, Popenfresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy, said that Speedy left behind a suicide note that read, simply, “Plop-plop-fizz-fizz, oh what a relief it is.” Memorial services for Speedy Alka Seltzer will be tomorrow at ten o’clock, and will be repeated every four hours.
Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.