SNL Transcripts: Eric Idle: 10/02/76: Dragnet



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3






76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Dragnet

Joe Friday…..Dan Aykroyd
Saturday Morning…..Eric Idle
Driver…..Gilda Radner
Harvey Goldblatt…..Garrett Morris
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Husband…..John Belushi

[ open on “Dragnet” police badge logo ]

Joe Friday V/O: This is the city — Los Angeles, near California. The story you are about to see is true. Only the facts have been changed to protect the writers.

[ dissolve to interior, apartment ]

Joe Friday V/O: It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday. My name’s Friday. My partner’s name is Saturday Morning. We only worked weekends.

[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning enter the apartment, dressed in women’s clothing. They immediately tackle various pieces of laundry hanging on a clothesline or lying on ironing boards. ]

Joe Friday V/O: We were engaged in routine police business: washing up, ironing, and sewing. The time: 3:15. The place: Headquarters. The hairstyles: by Mr. Ray, of Vidal Sassoon.

[ the telephone rings. They stop to observe. ]

Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang.

[ the telephone rings again ]

Joe Friday V/O: It was Lucille Ball.

[ Saturday Morning gives a confused look to the camera ]

Joe Friday V/O: We didn’t answer.

[ the phone stops ringing, so they resume their laundry duties ] [ the phone rings again ]

Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang again. This time, it was motorcycle officer Harvey Goldblatt.

[ Saturday Morning answers the phone ]

Joe Friday: Hello. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Okay, we’ll be right there.

[ Saturday Morning hangs up ] [ the two officers start to run out of Headquarters, then stop to retrieve their purses before exiting in a proper ladylike strut ] [ cut to pre-filmed footage, as the two officers exit their building ]

Saturday Morning: Hey, Sarge — where are we goin’?

Joe Friday: Shut up, and listen to the Voiceover.

Saturday Morning: 10-3!

Joe Friday: 10-4.

Saturday Morning: Sorry.

Joe Friday: Right.

[ they continue down the outside steps, where a Female Driver waits with a squad car ]

Joe Friday V/O: The time: 3:25. The place: the street. The handbags: by Gucci.

[ cut to the squad car barrelling down the street ]

Joe Friday V/O: we screeched to a halt.

[ the squad car brakes suddenly, as the sound of a voice screaming creates the impression of a screech ] [ the two officers climb out of the squad car and stand on the sidewalk ]

Joe Friday: [ pointing ] Look — there’s Officer Goldblatt.

[ they run over ] [ cut to Officer Goldblatt, who sits on a motorcycle while dressed in a wedding gown ]

Joe Friday: What’s up, Harvey?

Harvey Goldblatt: A man upstairs, impersonating a police officer.

Joe Friday: Why didn’t you move in their yourself?

Harvey Goldblatt: I’ve got a snag in my pantyhose!

Joe Friday: Right. Okay, we’ll take care of it. Let’s go!

[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning frantically run to the foot of the house behind them ] [ cut to live footage, interior apartment, as Woman stands near the door ] [ Joe Friday pounds on the other side of the door ]

Joe Friday: Open up!! Open up!! Police!! Open up!!

[ she opens the door ]

Saturday Morning: [ holds up his purse ] We’re police officers!

Joe Friday: [ holds up his purse ] Police officers, ma’am.

Wife: How do I know you are?

Joe Friday: We’re plainclothesmen.

Saturday Morning: What do you mean, plain? I’ve paid $85 for this frock! You call this a plain frock?

Joe Friday: I mean “plain cothes” — a term for “undercover”.

Saturday Morning: Oh. Don’t you like this frock?

Joe Friday: I love it. [ turns to the Woman ] Ma’am? Your husband home?

Saturday Morning: Uhhh — uhhh — NO! No, uh — no. He’s not here, uh — he went OUT! I’m not married!

Husband: Honey? Who is it?

[ a Man enters the front room, dressed similarly to Saturday Morning ]

Joe Friday: You’re under arrest for impersonating a police officer! Let’s go!

Saturday Morning: I’m wearing the same frock…

Joe Friday: Let’s go!

Saturday Morning: Yeah, okay, okay, okay…

Joe Friday: Let’s go!

Husband: Alright…

Saturday Morning: Come on!

John Belushi: [ breaking character ] Eric! [ shoves Eric Idle aside ] Dan! Look, it’s NOT gonna work, alright? Drag just does not work in America. It’s a different type of humor, I feel uncomfortable in this dress.

Eric Idle: You could try a different frock!

John Belushi: It has nothing to do with it. I mean — I mean, over there, drag’s acceptable. It’s, uh — it’s everyday office wear. I mean — but here it is just… not… funny! It doesn’t work, there’s no, uhhh — you know, I’m not overreacting over any homosexual thing, you know — so don’t — don’t — don’t try to pull that thing on me, you know? But it’s NOT funny! Yuo understand? DRAG is NOT funny in America!

Eric Idle: Well, let’s cut it here!

Dan Aykroyd: Okay, fine!

[ Belushi ambles off ]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, I, uh — I can — I can see his point-of-view. You know, I think it’s just two different theories of humor and that, and, uh — my Jack Webb is the worst anyway, so, you know.

Eric Idle: That’s true.

Dan Aykroyd: Uhhh — what do — what do you want to do, then? Sorry.

Eric Idle: Do you, uh — do you want to come back to my dressing room, and discuss it?

Dan Aykroyd: Sure. Yeah.

[ they start to exit the set ]

John Belushi: Dan?

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah?

John Belushi: Remember: if you do it once

Dan Aykroyd: I’ll stay hungry! [?] [ Eric and Dan exit the set ]

Laraine Newman: [ supportively ] Oh, John, I think you look very pretty.

John Belushi: I look pretty? Well, I look good in everything. I just wear clothes well…

Laraine Newman: Well, that’s great —

John Belushi: Some people can, some people can’t…

Laraine Newman: Well, uh —

John Belushi: I look good in everything!

Laraine Newman: Look — [ suggestively ] What are we gonna do now, you know?

John Belushi: Uh — why don’t we show some movie, I guess.

Laraine Newman: Okay, let’s go there.

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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