Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 3
Joe Friday…..Dan Aykroyd
Saturday Morning…..Eric Idle
Harvey Goldblatt…..Garrett Morris
[ open on “Dragnet” police badge logo ]
Joe Friday V/O: This is the city — Los Angeles, near California. The story you are about to see is true. Only the facts have been changed to protect the writers.[ dissolve to interior, apartment ]
Joe Friday V/O: It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday. My name’s Friday. My partner’s name is Saturday Morning. We only worked weekends.[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning enter the apartment, dressed in women’s clothing. They immediately tackle various pieces of laundry hanging on a clothesline or lying on ironing boards. ]
Joe Friday V/O: We were engaged in routine police business: washing up, ironing, and sewing. The time: 3:15. The place: Headquarters. The hairstyles: by Mr. Ray, of Vidal Sassoon.
Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang.[ the telephone rings again ]
Joe Friday V/O: It was Lucille Ball.[ Saturday Morning gives a confused look to the camera ]
Joe Friday V/O: We didn’t answer.[ the phone stops ringing, so they resume their laundry duties ] [ the phone rings again ]
Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang again. This time, it was motorcycle officer Harvey Goldblatt.[ Saturday Morning answers the phone ]
Joe Friday: Hello. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Okay, we’ll be right there.[ Saturday Morning hangs up ] [ the two officers start to run out of Headquarters, then stop to retrieve their purses before exiting in a proper ladylike strut ] [ cut to pre-filmed footage, as the two officers exit their building ]
Saturday Morning: Hey, Sarge — where are we goin’?
Joe Friday: Shut up, and listen to the Voiceover.
Saturday Morning: 10-3!
Joe Friday: 10-4.
Saturday Morning: Sorry.
Joe Friday: Right.[ they continue down the outside steps, where a Female Driver waits with a squad car ]
Joe Friday V/O: The time: 3:25. The place: the street. The handbags: by Gucci.
Joe Friday V/O: we screeched to a halt.[ the squad car brakes suddenly, as the sound of a voice screaming creates the impression of a screech ] [ the two officers climb out of the squad car and stand on the sidewalk ]
Joe Friday: [ pointing ] Look — there’s Officer Goldblatt.[ they run over ] [ cut to Officer Goldblatt, who sits on a motorcycle while dressed in a wedding gown ]
Joe Friday: What’s up, Harvey?
Harvey Goldblatt: A man upstairs, impersonating a police officer.
Joe Friday: Why didn’t you move in their yourself?
Harvey Goldblatt: I’ve got a snag in my pantyhose!
Joe Friday: Right. Okay, we’ll take care of it. Let’s go![ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning frantically run to the foot of the house behind them ] [ cut to live footage, interior apartment, as Woman stands near the door ] [ Joe Friday pounds on the other side of the door ]
Joe Friday: Open up!! Open up!! Police!! Open up!![ she opens the door ]
Saturday Morning: [ holds up his purse ] We’re police officers!
Joe Friday: [ holds up his purse ] Police officers, ma’am.
Wife: How do I know you are?
Joe Friday: We’re plainclothesmen.
Saturday Morning: What do you mean, plain? I’ve paid $85 for this frock! You call this a plain frock?
Joe Friday: I mean “plain cothes” — a term for “undercover”.
Saturday Morning: Oh. Don’t you like this frock?
Joe Friday: I love it. [ turns to the Woman ] Ma’am? Your husband home?
Saturday Morning: Uhhh — uhhh — NO! No, uh — no. He’s not here, uh — he went OUT! I’m not married!
Husband: Honey? Who is it?[ a Man enters the front room, dressed similarly to Saturday Morning ]
Joe Friday: You’re under arrest for impersonating a police officer! Let’s go!
Saturday Morning: I’m wearing the same frock…
Joe Friday: Let’s go!
Saturday Morning: Yeah, okay, okay, okay…
Joe Friday: Let’s go!
Saturday Morning: Come on!
John Belushi: [ breaking character ] Eric! [ shoves Eric Idle aside ] Dan! Look, it’s NOT gonna work, alright? Drag just does not work in America. It’s a different type of humor, I feel uncomfortable in this dress.
Eric Idle: You could try a different frock!
John Belushi: It has nothing to do with it. I mean — I mean, over there, drag’s acceptable. It’s, uh — it’s everyday office wear. I mean — but here it is just… not… funny! It doesn’t work, there’s no, uhhh — you know, I’m not overreacting over any homosexual thing, you know — so don’t — don’t — don’t try to pull that thing on me, you know? But it’s NOT funny! Yuo understand? DRAG is NOT funny in America!
Eric Idle: Well, let’s cut it here!
Dan Aykroyd: Okay, fine![ Belushi ambles off ]
Dan Aykroyd: Uh, I, uh — I can — I can see his point-of-view. You know, I think it’s just two different theories of humor and that, and, uh — my Jack Webb is the worst anyway, so, you know.
Eric Idle: That’s true.
Dan Aykroyd: Uhhh — what do — what do you want to do, then? Sorry.
Eric Idle: Do you, uh — do you want to come back to my dressing room, and discuss it?
Dan Aykroyd: Sure. Yeah.[ they start to exit the set ]
John Belushi: Dan?
Dan Aykroyd: Yeah?
John Belushi: Remember: if you do it once —
Dan Aykroyd: I’ll stay hungry! [?] [ Eric and Dan exit the set ]
Laraine Newman: [ supportively ] Oh, John, I think you look very pretty.
John Belushi: I look pretty? Well, I look good in everything. I just wear clothes well…
Laraine Newman: Well, that’s great —
John Belushi: Some people can, some people can’t…
Laraine Newman: Well, uh —
John Belushi: I look good in everything!
Laraine Newman: Look — [ suggestively ] What are we gonna do now, you know?
John Belushi: Uh — why don’t we show some movie, I guess.
Laraine Newman: Okay, let’s go there.