Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 3
Mr. Stolwry…..Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Stolwry…..Gilda Radner
Doctor: Now then, Mr. and Mrs. Stolwry, you’re in your second month of pregnancy, and you’re prepared to select your child’s physical characteristics.
Mr. Stolwry: That’s right. Let’s get on with it.
Doctor: Alright, Mrs. Stolwry, we’ve put your scrapings through a high-speed cell sorter, and we’re ready to choose what sort of a baby you want. Now, you want your baby to be.. a baby?
Mr. Stolwry: ..Yes.
Doctor: Good, that’s a start. Now, what sex? Male or female?
Mr. Stolwry: Um.. male.
Doctor: Male. Good. Skin pigment – dark or fair?
Mrs. Stolwry: Um.. fair.
Doctor: Fair. Hair color: blonde or black?
Mrs. Stolwry: Blonde.
Doctor: Blonde. Good. General stature: tall and thin or short and stocky?
Mr. Stolwry: Short and stocky.
Doctor: Excellent. Alright, general texture – fur or quilted?
Mr. Stolwry: Fur or quilted?
Doctor: Yes, you don’t want the little nipper bouncing out into the world in the raw, when you can use all of genetic science to have him born in his own little fur or quilted bag.
Mr. Stolwry: What do you think, dear?
Mrs. Stolwry: Let’s take the quilted.
Doctor: Very good, excellent, excellent! Now, general attribute, you want him to be artistic or a welder?
Mr. Stolwry: A welder.
Doctor: Good, good, good. Uh.. mouth – tongue or dipstick.
Mrs. Stolwry: What?
Doctor: Tongue or dipstick. You know, a tongue is very, very fat, and a disptick is very, very much thinner, and will enable your baby to suck flies out of soda bottles.
Mrs. Stolwry: Well.. um.. tongue, please.
Doctor: Tongue? Good, good, good. Feet or pods?
Mr. Stolwry: Pods?
Doctor: Pods. Pods, you know. It increases the baby’s motor skills.
Mr. Stolwry: Pods.
Doctor: Pods, good. What about his head? You want it pressed in flat like a Pekenese puppy, or would you like it fully curled like a shrimp? If you have the shrimp-head, he’ll be able to get the welder’s job much easier.
Mrs. Stolwry: No! No, I don’t want a baby with a shrimp-head!
Mr. Stolwry: What is this about shrimp-heads, Doctor? Frankly, this is not what we expected at all.
Doctor: Right, then! [ angry ] I do the best I can for you, the bloody best, to set up your sniveling, snotty-nosed kid you want, and all I get in return for fifteen years of poring research into the bloody boring composition of the bloody damn DNA molceule, is a pair of pathetic twits, who, when confronted with bloody stats start a pathetic wiffle-waffle. Right now, Mr. and Mrs. Stolwry, you have a perfect, beautiful walking specimen of a stocky, blond-haired, blue-eyed, fair-skinned, quilted, male shrimp-head welder, with pods! Now, what more do you bloody want?! Frankly, it makes me sick! Why don’t you go have your child naturally?
Mr. Stolwry: I’m sorry, Doctor. Its just we don’t understand your methods.
Mrs. Stolwry: Yes. We’ll try to be more understanding.
Doctor: Alright. Let’s give it another try. Alright, here we go. Hatchback or portal windows?
Mr. Stolwry: Hatchback.
Mrs. Stolwry: Hatchback.[ zoom out ] [ SUPER: “Coming Up: Pearls Before Swine Flu” ] [ fade ]