SNL Transcripts: Karen Black: 10/16/76: A*M*I*S*H



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4












76d: Karen Black / John Prine

A*M*I*S*H

Eleazer…..Chevy Chase
Elizabeth…..Jane Curtin
Churn…..John Belushi
Teller…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on interior, Amish kitchen after lunch ]

Eleazer: A boundrous repast, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: I shall clear now.

[ as Elizabeth clears the table, Eleazer sits in a rocking chair by the window, puts on his reading glasses and opens the newspaper ]

Churn: The wheat has been cut and shucked. Threshing has started. It is the Lord’s way. Yesterday we planted; today we reap that which was planted. To everything there is a season.

Eleazer: Turn, turn, turn!

Churn: A time for every purpose under Heaven.

Eleazer: A time to be born, a time to die.

Churn: A time to plant… a time to reap.

[ Elizabeth joins them, and sits ]

Elizabeth: A time to kill, a time to heal.

Eleazer: A time to laugh, a time to weep.

Churn: To everything…

Eleazer: Turn, turn, turn.

Elizabeth: [ as she knits ] There is a season.

Eleazer: Turn… turn, turn. [ he opens his newspaper ]

Churn: [ glancing at the reverse page ] Behold! A bank has been heldeth up.

[ music sting ]

Elizabeth: Where at?

Eleazer: [ he turns the newspaper over to read the story ] Lancaster. About thirty miles east of here.

Churn: We are needed.

Eleazer: [ he puts the newspaper down ] Let us roll. [ he removes his glasses ] [ the three of them grab their hats and head outdoors ] [ dissolve to the three of them walking down the road ]

Announcer: Jacob people, linking the way we were with the way we used to be. Temperance, but with a purpose. They’re young. They’re cops. They’re Pennsylvania Dutch.

[ reveal a close-up of each, over SUPER: ]

Announcer: Chevy Chase stars as Eleazer Clinton.

…Jane Curtin as Elizabeth Yoders.

…and John Belushi as Churn.

[ return to the threesome walking down the road ]

Announcer: A team of… Active… Mormonites… In… Search of… Harmony.

[ the initials read: A*M*I*S*H ]

Announcer: They’re… A*M*I*S*H!

[ dissolve to the threesome stopping by a campfire for the night and eating berries ]

Churn: Mmm… tasty berries.

Elizabeth: I picked them along the way.

Eleazer: Bring us some more of that fine cornbread, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Yes, Eleazer. [ she exits ]

Eleazer: [ looking in her wake ] She’s a good woman.

Churn: She’s 14. I wonder why she never married?

[ return to the threesome walking down the road ] [ dissolve to the threesome walking along a city street ] [ Eleazer pushes the “Walk Light” button on a post ] [ they wait until traffic stops, and finally they are able to cross the street to the bank ] [ they enter the bank, then casually stand in line to wait their turn with a teller ] [ at last, their wait is through. They approach the teller ]

Teller: Yes? May I help you?

Eleazer: Yes. We read there had been some trouble. We were concerned, so we have journeyed here to offer our help. We are the A*MI*S*H.

Elizabeth: The Lord guideth us to your window.

Teller: Uhh — what kind of trouble, uh — ?

Churn: The… bank robbery. We read about it in the paper.

Teller: [ thinking ] Well, uh… the bank robbery was last Tuesday.

Eleazer: The EVIL DOER shall be stricken and FALL, like unto the overripe fig! So sayeth the Lord! [ a beat ] May we be of some help?

Teller: Uhhhh — no, I… I think everything’s under control. The, uh… the robbers were caught… uhhh, they were arraigned yesterday, I think, and, uh… they’re gonna be up for trial on Friday.

Eleazer: Well, then. Our work is done.

[ title card appears, as they prepare their exit ]

Announcer: Next week on “A*M*I*S*H”: “The Other Cheek”. Watch for it.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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