Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 4
[ open on interior, Amish kitchen after lunch ]
Eleazer: A boundrous repast, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: I shall clear now.[ as Elizabeth clears the table, Eleazer sits in a rocking chair by the window, puts on his reading glasses and opens the newspaper ]
Churn: The wheat has been cut and shucked. Threshing has started. It is the Lord’s way. Yesterday we planted; today we reap that which was planted. To everything there is a season.
Eleazer: Turn, turn, turn!
Churn: A time for every purpose under Heaven.
Eleazer: A time to be born, a time to die.
Churn: A time to plant… a time to reap.[ Elizabeth joins them, and sits ]
Elizabeth: A time to kill, a time to heal.
Eleazer: A time to laugh, a time to weep.
Churn: To everything…
Eleazer: Turn, turn, turn.
Elizabeth: [ as she knits ] There is a season.
Eleazer: Turn… turn, turn. [ he opens his newspaper ]
Churn: [ glancing at the reverse page ] Behold! A bank has been heldeth up.[ music sting ]
Elizabeth: Where at?
Eleazer: [ he turns the newspaper over to read the story ] Lancaster. About thirty miles east of here.
Churn: We are needed.
Eleazer: [ he puts the newspaper down ] Let us roll. [ he removes his glasses ] [ the three of them grab their hats and head outdoors ] [ dissolve to the three of them walking down the road ]
Announcer: Jacob people, linking the way we were with the way we used to be. Temperance, but with a purpose. They’re young. They’re cops. They’re Pennsylvania Dutch.[ reveal a close-up of each, over SUPER: ]
Announcer: Chevy Chase stars as Eleazer Clinton.
…Jane Curtin as Elizabeth Yoders.
…and John Belushi as Churn.
Announcer: A team of… Active… Mormonites… In… Search of… Harmony.[ the initials read: A*M*I*S*H ]
Announcer: They’re… A*M*I*S*H![ dissolve to the threesome stopping by a campfire for the night and eating berries ]
Churn: Mmm… tasty berries.
Elizabeth: I picked them along the way.
Eleazer: Bring us some more of that fine cornbread, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Yes, Eleazer. [ she exits ]
Eleazer: [ looking in her wake ] She’s a good woman.
Churn: She’s 14. I wonder why she never married?[ return to the threesome walking down the road ] [ dissolve to the threesome walking along a city street ] [ Eleazer pushes the “Walk Light” button on a post ] [ they wait until traffic stops, and finally they are able to cross the street to the bank ] [ they enter the bank, then casually stand in line to wait their turn with a teller ] [ at last, their wait is through. They approach the teller ]
Teller: Yes? May I help you?
Eleazer: Yes. We read there had been some trouble. We were concerned, so we have journeyed here to offer our help. We are the A*MI*S*H.
Elizabeth: The Lord guideth us to your window.
Teller: Uhh — what kind of trouble, uh — ?
Churn: The… bank robbery. We read about it in the paper.
Teller: [ thinking ] Well, uh… the bank robbery was last Tuesday.
Eleazer: The EVIL DOER shall be stricken and FALL, like unto the overripe fig! So sayeth the Lord! [ a beat ] May we be of some help?
Teller: Uhhhh — no, I… I think everything’s under control. The, uh… the robbers were caught… uhhh, they were arraigned yesterday, I think, and, uh… they’re gonna be up for trial on Friday.
Eleazer: Well, then. Our work is done.[ title card appears, as they prepare their exit ]
Announcer: Next week on “A*M*I*S*H”: “The Other Cheek”. Watch for it.[ fade ]