SNL Transcripts: Karen Black: 10/16/76: A*M*I*S*H

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine


Eleazer…..Chevy Chase
Elizabeth…..Jane Curtin
Churn…..John Belushi
Teller…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on interior, Amish kitchen after lunch ]

Eleazer: A boundrous repast, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: I shall clear now.

[ as Elizabeth clears the table, Eleazer sits in a rocking chair by the window, puts on his reading glasses and opens the newspaper ]

Churn: The wheat has been cut and shucked. Threshing has started. It is the Lord’s way. Yesterday we planted; today we reap that which was planted. To everything there is a season.

Eleazer: Turn, turn, turn!

Churn: A time for every purpose under Heaven.

Eleazer: A time to be born, a time to die.

Churn: A time to plant… a time to reap.

[ Elizabeth joins them, and sits ]

Elizabeth: A time to kill, a time to heal.

Eleazer: A time to laugh, a time to weep.

Churn: To everything…

Eleazer: Turn, turn, turn.

Elizabeth: [ as she knits ] There is a season.

Eleazer: Turn… turn, turn. [ he opens his newspaper ]

Churn: [ glancing at the reverse page ] Behold! A bank has been heldeth up.

[ music sting ]

Elizabeth: Where at?

Eleazer: [ he turns the newspaper over to read the story ] Lancaster. About thirty miles east of here.

Churn: We are needed.

Eleazer: [ he puts the newspaper down ] Let us roll. [ he removes his glasses ] [ the three of them grab their hats and head outdoors ] [ dissolve to the three of them walking down the road ]

Announcer: Jacob people, linking the way we were with the way we used to be. Temperance, but with a purpose. They’re young. They’re cops. They’re Pennsylvania Dutch.

[ reveal a close-up of each, over SUPER: ]

Announcer: Chevy Chase stars as Eleazer Clinton.

…Jane Curtin as Elizabeth Yoders.

…and John Belushi as Churn.

[ return to the threesome walking down the road ]

Announcer: A team of… Active… Mormonites… In… Search of… Harmony.

[ the initials read: A*M*I*S*H ]

Announcer: They’re… A*M*I*S*H!

[ dissolve to the threesome stopping by a campfire for the night and eating berries ]

Churn: Mmm… tasty berries.

Elizabeth: I picked them along the way.

Eleazer: Bring us some more of that fine cornbread, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Yes, Eleazer. [ she exits ]

Eleazer: [ looking in her wake ] She’s a good woman.

Churn: She’s 14. I wonder why she never married?

[ return to the threesome walking down the road ] [ dissolve to the threesome walking along a city street ] [ Eleazer pushes the “Walk Light” button on a post ] [ they wait until traffic stops, and finally they are able to cross the street to the bank ] [ they enter the bank, then casually stand in line to wait their turn with a teller ] [ at last, their wait is through. They approach the teller ]

Teller: Yes? May I help you?

Eleazer: Yes. We read there had been some trouble. We were concerned, so we have journeyed here to offer our help. We are the A*MI*S*H.

Elizabeth: The Lord guideth us to your window.

Teller: Uhh — what kind of trouble, uh — ?

Churn: The… bank robbery. We read about it in the paper.

Teller: [ thinking ] Well, uh… the bank robbery was last Tuesday.

Eleazer: The EVIL DOER shall be stricken and FALL, like unto the overripe fig! So sayeth the Lord! [ a beat ] May we be of some help?

Teller: Uhhhh — no, I… I think everything’s under control. The, uh… the robbers were caught… uhhh, they were arraigned yesterday, I think, and, uh… they’re gonna be up for trial on Friday.

Eleazer: Well, then. Our work is done.

[ title card appears, as they prepare their exit ]

Announcer: Next week on “A*M*I*S*H”: “The Other Cheek”. Watch for it.

[ fade ]

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