SNL Transcripts: Karen Black: 10/16/76: Green Cross Cupcakes


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

Green Cross Cupcakes

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Wife … Karen Black
Husband … John Belushi
Scientist … Chevy Chase
Technicians … Al Franken, Tom Davis
Announcer … Dan Aykroyd

[Kitchen. Wife pours coffee for husband who sits attable, reading a newspaper and eating a cupcake. Thecupcake has white frosting with two lines of greenicing forming a cross on top.]

Husband: Mmmm! Honey! These cupcakes are delicious.

Wife: Oh, yes, they are, dear. And, you know, theydon’t cause cancer.

Husband: What?

Wife: I said, they don’t cause cancer … [addressesthe audience] … because these are Green CrossCupcakes. You see, the folks down at Gamma RayLaboratories fed these cupcakes to rats for fiveyears. And here are the results … [as the wordsTRUTH IN ADVERTSING flash onscreen, she walks off andinstantly returns, wheeling in a large cage containingsquealing jumbo white rats — and a handful of GreenCross Cupcakes] Dozens of cancer-free rats. Yes, allof them lived, except one that got his little headcaught between the bars.

Husband: [rises, peers into cage] You mean, all of ’emate only cupcakes?

Wife: Yes — [the words TRUTH IN ADVERTSING flashonscreen again] — that and a little bit of the woodchips found in their cages. But why take my word forit? See for yourself.

[Dissolve to a graphic reading: Documented Footagefrom the Gamma Ray Bakery-Laboratories. Dissolve tothe lab. We see about forty wire cages filled withscreaming white rats. A red light flashes off and on,plunging the lab into near-darkness with an eerie redglow. A nasty, ear-splitting buzzer sounds with everyflash. Two zombie-like technicians, wearing lab coatswith a green cross on the sleeve, plus masks andgloves and caps that cover every inch of their bodies,walk sloooooowly and haltingly past the cages carryinga stretcher loaded with a pile of exposed Green CrossCupcakes. Dissolve back to the kitchen where thehusband regards a cupcake in his hand.]

Husband: Mmph. No cancer, huh? I guess I’ll tryanother delicious Green Cross Cupcake. In fact, I’llhave as many as I like. [stuffs the entire cupcake inhis mouth]

Wife: [to the camera] Why not take a tip from thesejumbo rats and treat your family to the safe cupcake?

Scientist: [enters and addresses camera as the wordsTRUTH IN ADVERTISING flash onscreen again] Hi. I’m ascientist. Under the “Truth in Advertising” law, I’mobliged to point out that there’s no evidence linkingcupcakes and cancer. None whatsover. Not evenremotely. [glances at cupcakes] But five years fromnow, who knows? [with a smile] Bye. [exits]

Wife: Headlines are so frightening, I can’t even readthe damn paper any more. All I know is I have to takecare of my family and do what’s best for them so Isay: Why take chances when it comes to cupcakes? Feed’em Green Cross Cupcakes, the safe cupcakes.Cancer-freeness never tasted so good.

[Husband winks as he devours another cupcake, nearlywhole. Pan down to the cage of rats enjoying theircupcakes.]

Announcer: Dogs love ’em, too! Woof! Woof!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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