Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 4
Green Cross Cupcakes
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Wife … Karen Black
Husband … John Belushi
Scientist … Chevy Chase
Technicians … Al Franken, Tom Davis
Announcer … Dan Aykroyd
[Kitchen. Wife pours coffee for husband who sits attable, reading a newspaper and eating a cupcake. Thecupcake has white frosting with two lines of greenicing forming a cross on top.]
Husband: Mmmm! Honey! These cupcakes are delicious.
Wife: Oh, yes, they are, dear. And, you know, theydon’t cause cancer.
Wife: I said, they don’t cause cancer … [addressesthe audience] … because these are Green CrossCupcakes. You see, the folks down at Gamma RayLaboratories fed these cupcakes to rats for fiveyears. And here are the results … [as the wordsTRUTH IN ADVERTSING flash onscreen, she walks off andinstantly returns, wheeling in a large cage containingsquealing jumbo white rats — and a handful of GreenCross Cupcakes] Dozens of cancer-free rats. Yes, allof them lived, except one that got his little headcaught between the bars.
Husband: [rises, peers into cage] You mean, all of ’emate only cupcakes?
Wife: Yes — [the words TRUTH IN ADVERTSING flashonscreen again] — that and a little bit of the woodchips found in their cages. But why take my word forit? See for yourself.[Dissolve to a graphic reading: Documented Footagefrom the Gamma Ray Bakery-Laboratories. Dissolve tothe lab. We see about forty wire cages filled withscreaming white rats. A red light flashes off and on,plunging the lab into near-darkness with an eerie redglow. A nasty, ear-splitting buzzer sounds with everyflash. Two zombie-like technicians, wearing lab coatswith a green cross on the sleeve, plus masks andgloves and caps that cover every inch of their bodies,walk sloooooowly and haltingly past the cages carryinga stretcher loaded with a pile of exposed Green CrossCupcakes. Dissolve back to the kitchen where thehusband regards a cupcake in his hand.]
Husband: Mmph. No cancer, huh? I guess I’ll tryanother delicious Green Cross Cupcake. In fact, I’llhave as many as I like. [stuffs the entire cupcake inhis mouth]
Wife: [to the camera] Why not take a tip from thesejumbo rats and treat your family to the safe cupcake?
Scientist: [enters and addresses camera as the wordsTRUTH IN ADVERTISING flash onscreen again] Hi. I’m ascientist. Under the “Truth in Advertising” law, I’mobliged to point out that there’s no evidence linkingcupcakes and cancer. None whatsover. Not evenremotely. [glances at cupcakes] But five years fromnow, who knows? [with a smile] Bye. [exits]
Wife: Headlines are so frightening, I can’t even readthe damn paper any more. All I know is I have to takecare of my family and do what’s best for them so Isay: Why take chances when it comes to cupcakes? Feed’em Green Cross Cupcakes, the safe cupcakes.Cancer-freeness never tasted so good.[Husband winks as he devours another cupcake, nearlywhole. Pan down to the cage of rats enjoying theircupcakes.]
Announcer: Dogs love ’em, too! Woof! Woof!