Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 5
Art F-114…..Steve Martin
Danny M-125…..Dan Aykroyd
Laraine A-270…..Laraine Newman
Lee P-413…..Chevy Chase
Announcer: Don’t walk away from your telescreen, because it’s time for the new “Jeopardy 1999”! Now, here’s your host: Art F-114.
Art F-114: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, Don Pardo! Well, there’s exciting and valuable prizes to be won. Don, will you tell the folks at home who the contestants are?
Announcer: Art, our returning champion is a shredding machine operator from the Ministry of Information, in Sector 427. Welcome back Danny M-125.
Art F-114: Danny, you’ve won over $3 million – what are you going to do with that money?
Danny M-125: Well, they discovered the, uh.. the cure for the disease my mother was dying from.. and I’m going to use the moeny to have her defrosted.
Art F-114: Great, how old will she be?
Danny M-125: 37.
Art F-114: Well, good luck to you! Who’s our next contestant, Don Pardo?
Announcer: She’s a security monitor for the Osaki Kelp Works, a cheerleader for the Rocket Tennis Team, and she enjoys sex. Welcome Laraine A-270.
Art F-114: A-270, huh?
Laraine A-270: That’s right.
Art F-114: That’s funny – you don’t look like an Alpha! [ laughs ] You know.. we always enjoy having test tube babies on our show. Tell us, are you having those headaches we hear so much about?
Laraine A-270: No.. but sometimes my words say in reverse.
Art F-114: Hmm.. Well, good luck to you. Don Pardo, our last contestant?
Announcer: Art, it’s a lobotomist for the Ministry of Love, in Sector 753. Let’s welcome Lee P-413.
Art F-114: Do you have any hobbies, Lee?
Lee P-413: I collect antique sexual devices, Art.
Art F-114: Well, maybe you and Laraine can get together after the show for some sex.
Laraine A-270: Yes.. sounds great.. I’d enjoy it.
Lee P-413: We can do that. That would be great.
Art F-114: Okay! And now, it’s time to play “Jeopardy 1999”! The categories are: “Medicine”.. “Movies”.. “TV”.. “U.S. History”.. “Mutant Viruses”.. and “Nuclear Accidents”. Danny, you’re the champion, so you begin!
Danny M-125: Uh.. U.S. History for $10,000.
Art F-114: Okay! “First President to accidentally kill himself in office.” [ Laraine A-270 buzzes in ] Yes. Laraine?
Laraine A-270: “Who was Gerald Ford?”
Art F-114: I’m sorry, that’s wrong. Remember, it says here: “In office”. [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?
Lee P-413: Uh.. “Who was Walter Mondale?”
Art F-114: That’s right! Go ahead, Lee!
Lee P-413: Uh.. Movies for $10,000.
Art F-114: Movies for $10,000: “Major film studio that will change name next year.” [ Laraine A-270 buzzes in ] Laraine?
Laraine A-270: “What is 20th Century Fox?”
Art F-114: That’s right. Go ahead.
Laraine A-270: Okay, Movies for $20,000.
Art F-114: Movies for 20,000: “Original Tidy Bowl man in TV ads, won 8 Oscars.” [ Danny M-125 buzzes in ] Danny?
Danny M-125: “Who was Fred Miltonburg?”
Art F-114: That’s right, that’s right.. Keep on going!
Danny M-125: Uh.. Medicine for $10,000.
Art F-114: Medicine for $10,000: “Legalized in 1983, it eased overpopulation.” [ Danny M-125 buzzes in ] Danny?
Danny M-125: “What is.. baby-killing?”
Art F-114: That’s right, Danny! Okay, go, Danny.
Danny M-125: Uh.. Medicine for $20,000.
Art F-114: Medicine for $20: “First man cloned.” [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?
Lee P-413: Uh.. “Who is Fran Tarkenton?”
Art F-114: That’s right. Back to you, Lee.
Lee P-413: I’ll go to Nuclear Accidents, uh.. for $10,000, please.
Art F-114: Nuclear Accidents for $10,000: “In 1981, became first terrorist group to ransom city with plutonium.” [ Danny M-125 buzzes in ] Danny?
Danny M-125: “Who are the Young Republicans?”
Art F-114: That’s right. Go, Danny.
Danny M-125: Uh.. TV for $10,000.
Art F-114: TV for $10,000: “Longest running show on TV.” [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?
Lee P-413: Uh.. “What is ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’?”
Art F-114: That’s right! Alrigh,t Lee, we’re running out of time..
Lee P-413: Okay, uh.. TV for $50,000, please.
Art F-114: TV for $50,000: “Comedian whose career fizzled after leaving ‘NBC’s Saturday Night’.” [ no one buzzes in ] I’m sorry, you took too long. The correct answer is: “Who was Chevy Chase?” Chevy Chase. [ bell rings ] Ah.. there’s the bell telling us it’s time for Final Jeopardy. Now, the Final Jeopardy category is.. “Assassinations”. Now, remember, contestants.. you can wager all or part of your earnings. Lee, you have $10,000; Laraine, $30,000; and, Danny, you have $30,000. Okay, contestants, place your wager. And, while they do, Don Pardo, tell them what they’ll win!
Announcer: Art, all our contestants will receive the Benjamin Pocket-Sized Isolation Tube; privacy is only seconds away with Benjamin. And, for our male contestants, a case of Big Brother Aftershave; women love a man who smells like Big Brother. And, for the lady, the Embryo Accelerator; electromagentic treatments so your child will develop from embryo to adult in 18 weeks: avoid childhood traumas, save time and money; another fine product from the people at ChromoCom. And, what home would be complete without the amazing Laser-Matic; slices, dices and chops, everything from tomatoes to diamonds. And our ocntestants will ease their troubled minds with the new Dial-A-Blank electro-shock kit; forget anything you want with the twist of a dial – so effective, you won’t remember you own own; Dial-A-Blank, from Leisure-tronics. And, our contestants will be taking home.. Mr. Whacky! Rhesus Monkey Pleasure Kit, for the young scientist in the family – monkeys not included, Art.
Art F-114: Thank you, Don Pardo! And, here now, is our Final Jeopardy answer: “He assassinated President Kennedy.” Go![ Final Jeopardy music plays, as contestants write down their answers ]
Art F-114: Kennedy. He was President about thirty years ago, wasn’t he? Perhaps you’ve seen something about him on your home entertainment system.. maybe one of you will just get lucky. Well, let’s hope so..[ Final Jeopardy theme completes ]
Art F-114: Okay, put those pens down! Lee, what’s your answer? “J. Edgar Hoover”. No, I’m sorry, you’re wrong on that – you wagered.. “$10,000”.. that leaves you with nada! Ha ha! Okay, Laraine, your answer is: “Fidel Castro”. No, I’m sorry, you’re wrong. You wagered $15,000 – that leaves you with $15,000. Danny? “Who was Frank Sinatra, Jr.?” That’s a good guess, but, no, I’m sorry, you’re wrong. Let’s see, you wagered.. $10,000 – that leaves you with $20,000! You’re still champion! That’s it for us! The person who killed Kennedy was.. “Lee Harvey Oswald”! That’s “Lee Harvey Oswald”! We’ll see you next week on “Jeopardy 1999”! so long!