SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 10/23/76: Speak Out for Milk

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5




76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Speak Out for Milk

… Chevy Chase
… Don Pardo
… Joe Dicso

[Handsome actor Chevy Chase, dressed casually, holds aglass of milk and smiles into the camera. SUPER: CHEVYCHASE Actor]

Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.

Chevy Chase: You know, milk’s got just abouteverything your body needs to start the day off right.Why, one glass contains more Vitamin A and calciumthan a thick sirloin steak. Delicious with almostanything. And milk leaves you with that awful sourbreath and white stuff in the corners of your mouth.

Director: [off screen] Cut! Uh, just tone it down,please, Chevy. Uh, could we try it again?

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry.

[SNL stage manager Joe Dicso enters, holding aclapboard up to the camera.]

Joe Dicso: Take thirty-two. [claps, exits]

Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.

Chevy Chase: You know, my body’s, uh, just about themost important thing to me. And I care about what Iput into it. That’s why I drink fresh, whole milk atleast three times a day. Gives me quick energy, helpsme to look and feel younger and increases the serumcholesterol in men who drink too much of it.

Director: [off screen] Cut!

Joe Dicso: Take thirty-three. [claps, exits]

Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.

Chevy Chase: You know, a lot of times, I’m out fordinner, uh, my date will order a beer or a liquordrink or something like that or her date or herfriend’s date or something like that, you know, andthey’re all ordering. And then the waiter comes to me,he says, So, uh, what’ll be? You know? And I just sortof smile and pop right up and say, “Milk, please!” Youknow why? Because I know that a single glass ofdelicious, ice cold milk in the summer can give you aquick heart attack if you drink it too fast. That’sright–

Director: [off screen] Cut!

Joe Dicso: Thirty-four. [claps, exits]

Chevy Chase: [sips milk] Mm mm. De-lish! I know afriend who gets these fatty deposits right under here.[pulls at his lower eyelids]

Director: [off screen] Cut it!

Joe Dicso: Thirty-five. [claps, exits]

Chevy Chase: Lot of health food experts think thatmilk is mucus-forming. I don’t know what that meansbut I suppose it’s true. I love milk myself.[gestures, spilling some milk] I’ve always been–

[Dissolve to a graphic that reads: SPEAK OUT FOR MILK]

Don Pardo V/O: Speak out for milk — it’s thedelicious natural drink that’s not filling and ISfattening.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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