Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 5
Steve Martin Stand-Up
[Steve Martin, wearing a brown suit, stands at homebase.]
Steve Martin: Thank you. How do you like the show sofar? Okay, we’re havin’ some fun out here tonight, Iguess, huh? [laughs] You know, a lot of people come tome, they say, Steve, you’re a ramblin’ guy, um, youmust meet a lot of girls on the road. I’d just like todispel that rumor. Uh, it’s kind of a myth aboutentertainers, uh, you know, you travel around fromtown to town, one night at a time and, you know, youdon’t have time to meet anybody and, uh, I’m not intothat one night thing, you know? I think a personshould get to know someone and even be in love withthem before you use and degrade them. So …
I don’t know if I looked a little mad, uh, during theshow tonight. I’m a little angry, I guess. Uh, I’mjust, uh… Boy. I don’t know, I’m just mad at mymother. I don’t know, she just, uh, she calls me upthe other day. She wants to borrow ten dollars forsome food! Can you believe that? I said, “Hey! I workfor a living!” So I loan her the money. Yesterday, shecalls me up and says she can’t pay me back for awhile. I said, “Hey! What is this?!” So I worked out adeal with her. I’m having her, uh, work on mytransmission. And, uh, move my barbells up to theattic. So that’s pretty good, huh? [laughs]
Oh, gosh! My shoelace is untied! [laughs, bends downbut the shoelace is tied, rises, laughs] Oh, I loveplaying jokes on myself!
All right. Boy, I had a – had a weird experience theother day. See, Jackie Onassis has always been one ofmy favorite people, you know? It’s like I’ve alwaysidolized her from afar, you know, and I’ve alwayswanted to meet her, you know, but fat chance I’m gonnameet Jackie Onassis, right? Well… [clears throat] Iwas in a laundromat in Tucson, Arizona. And I lookedover and there she was — Jackie Onassis, my idol –and I couldn’t believe it, you know? So I got allexcited and I went up to her and I said, “Hey! Howzitgoin’?” And, uh, she said, “Fine” and everything wasgood. So I asked her out for lunch. And I couldn’tbelieve it. She accepted. And I was so proud, youknow, to be able to go someplace with my idol, JackieOnassis, so elegant, sophisticated. So I took her tothis really great restaurant. And the waiter broughtthe food. … And she was a pig. Really. It wasunbelievable! She wouldn’t use a knife and fork! Shegoes [pretends to suck food off plate with mouth] Oh!And she picked up the hard rolls and she threw ’em atpeople. [mimes throwing rolls] She picked up two friedeggs, she goes [pretends to slap two fried eggs on hisbreasts] “Heeeeyyyyy!” And she thought it was funny!You know? And the waiter’d come by and she’d lift upher dress [mimes lifting dress over his head] –“Aaaaahhhhh!” Oh! What a letdown, you know what Imean?
Whew! You know why people can get away with stuff likethat? I’ll tell you exactly why people get away withthat. Because the public has a short memory. That’swhy all these big stars do these crazy, terriblethings and two years later they’re back in the biz,you know. ‘Cause the public has a short memory. Let megive you a little test, okay? This is my thesis — thepublic has a short memory and, like– How many peopleremember, a couple of years ago, when the Earth blewup? How many people? See? So few people remember. Andyou would think that something like that, people wouldremember. But NOOO! You don’t remember that? The Earthblew up and was completely destroyed? And we escapedto this planet on the giant Space Ark? Where have youpeople been? And the government decided not to tellthe stupider people ’cause they thought that it mightaffect– [dawning realization, looks around] Ohhhh!Okay! Uh, let’s move on!
Um, if I, uh, do look a little depressed tonight, I -I guess I get a little sentimental every time thebicentennial year rolls around and, um… I gotanother month and a half on that joke, I’m gonna useit every chance I get, so… [sadly] Actually, I’mkind of – I don’t know, I’m kind of thinkin’ about myold girlfriend, I guess. Sorry. It’s just that I usedto travel around and I’d be performing and I couldkind of hear her laugh in the back – it’d meansomething to me, you know and, uh … I’m sorry. Youknow how it is. We were together about three yearsand, uh, she’s not living any more so I kind of, uh–[audience laughs, Martin gives them a disgusted look]You laugh? And I guess I kind of blame myself for herdeath. Uh, we were at a party one night and we weren’tgetting along and we were fighting and she began todrink and … I didn’t realize how much she’d beendrinking. She ran out to the car, she asked me todrive her home and I didn’t want to and I refused. Sheasked me one more time, would you please drive mehome? I didn’t want to … So I shot her.
Okay, folks! I, uh, think that about does it. [checkshis wristwatch] We’ve had a good time tonight, uh,considering we’re all going to die. And, uh, we gonnago to commercial now or uh …? We’ll go to commercialand we’ll come right back. Thanks a lot. [smiles,waves]