Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 5
76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
…..Chevy Chase
…..Jane Curtin
Wandering Snacker…..Al Franken
Announcer: And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: [ talking into the phone ] Noooo.. you’re not supposed to blow on it – that’s just an expression. [ looks up at the camera ] I have to go. [ hangs up the phone ]
Good evening! I’m Ron McKuen.
Our top story tonight: President Ford and Governor Jimmy Carter emerged from their third and final debate virtually even in the preliminary polls. The Burns-Roper Poll showed Carter to be a winner by a substantial margin of 40% to 29%. However, an AP Poll showed Ford the winner by a margin of 35.5% to 33.1%. A panel of ten experts found Ken Norton to be the winner.
Commenting on the early polls, Jimmy Carter said he didn’t care much. But Ford’s comments were: “The Poles are an independent and autonomous people, and I don’t believe they consider themselves to be under Soviet domination.”
The President is said to be readyinging himself for the upcoming Ford/Dole debates.
Probably the biggest surprise of last night’s debates was when Jimmy Carter, to the confusion of everyone, revealed that, when the mood hits him, he likes to dress up like Elenour Roosevelt.
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, buck private George Brown, apologized for his remark that Israel was a military burdon to the United States. Brown stated that what he meant to say was: “Let’s leave the dumb Jews helpless.”
Meanwhile, preparations are under way for the first Brown/Butts debate, to be televised from a synogogue in Little Rock, Arkansas.
Carlo Gambino, the underworld’s notorious Capo de Tuti Capo – or, Boss of All Bosses – was laid to rest this week as a power struggle raged for his Mafia family leadership. The funeral service was simple, highlighted by a chorus of mourners singing “Ciao Ciao, Gambino”, as the casket was sprinkled with sausages and anchovies, and sealed in pizza oven.
On a seriouser side.. on a more serious side.. on the more serious side, Chairman Mao was finally laid to rest this week after much discussion as to what to do with his body. After weeks of debate, it was decided that the fallen Chinese leader be buried in a takeout seminary. The family decided this would be best, as it’s cheaper, it’s open twenty-four hours a day, and it’s within delivery distance of Peking.
Although the press was barred from the jury selection process of Ruben “Hurricane” Carter’s retrial, Weekend Update was able to sneak one of our staff artists into the proceedings.
[ footage of Rubin “Hurricane” Carter sitting at a table in the courtroom, making all the motions described by Chevy ]The former middleweight looked at his watch for eleven seconds, and then wrote something while waiting for Judge Bruno L. Leopizzio to impound twelve jurors and four alternates individually behind closed doors.
Carter leaned back, and then took a drink of water. As the judge imposed a gag order, restricting the defendant’s and opposing lawyers from commenting on the triple murder case.
After that, Carter leaned back and crossed his arms.
Coming up next: Students register for classes in Thailand. Right after this.
Chevy Chase: As many of you may already know, I was recently taken ill for two weeks, and uh.. sitting in for me was – as the anchorwoman for Weekend Update – was a very fine journalist in her own right, correspondent Jane Curtin. Uh.. of course, much has been said lately about the pros and cons of a woman reporter anchoring, uh.. the national news. There’s certainly no question in my mind about the validity of women in any so-called traditional male roles. People are people, and should be judged as people.. and one such person, uh.. who just happens to be a fine newswoman, is Jane Curtin. and it gives me great pleasure to welcome her as a regular joining me on Weekend Update. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Chevy.
Chevy Chase: Jane, welcome.. and, uh.. thanks for taking over earleir this year. I understand you have a report for us on the latest flourocarbon controversy.
Jane Curtin: That’s right, Chevy, uh.. a growing concern exists about the dangers of flourocarbons being released by aerosol products. Responsible environmentalists have been warning us for years.. [ Chevy begins raising his eyebrows and pursing his lips as a means of mocking Jane’s editorial ] ..that these flourocarbons are slowly destroying the Earth’s ozone layer. As the ozone layer disappears, the sun’s ultraviolet rays reach the Earth in an in-in-unfiltered state of intensity, strong enough to eventually destroy life on our planet and, subsequently, our planet itself. Proposed legislation controlling aerosol products has been an issue in Washington for a long time. But, so far, has gotten nowhere. The ecological community urges the concerned citiazen should act now: form groups, write to Congress, protest the continued manufacture and sale of products which can eventually destroy us. [ Chevy acts as if he’s behaving himself when Jane turns to face him ]
Chevy Chase: Thank you, Jane. Jane Curtin.
Well, David Bowie paid a surprise visit to New York this week. Fans remarked that he looked much bigger in person.
Dictatorial president Ferdinand Marcos is pictured here, and has been casting his ballots in a referendum. Though.. [ a Wandering Snacker has appeared over Chevy’s shoulder, and is reading the paper in his hand ] I.. I don’t like people reading over my shoulder.. you know what I mean?
Wandering Snacker: Oh.. I-I’m sorry..
Chevy Chase: I was just trying to read something-
Well, on the warmer, happier side of life, far from the stories which seem sad or tragic, baby gorilla Boom-Boom was flown by Concorde from Paris to Washington last Thursday, to join the Ringling Brothers’ Barnum & Bailey Zoo and Circus. Boom-Boom enchanted passengers and stewardesses during the three-and-a-half hour flight by dancing in the aisles, making cute noises, and breaking into the cockpit and ripping apart the face of the captain, mutilating the navigator and crash-landing the jet in Greenland. One humorous note: there were no survivors.
Chevy Chase: Well, that’s all the news we have tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
