SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 10/30/76: Super Bat-o-matic ’77

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 6

76f: Buck Henry / The Band

Super Bat-o-matic ’77

Spokesman…..Dan Aykroyd
Bat-Drinker…..Laraine Newman

Pitchman: Witches, warlocks, conjurers,sorcerers, black magicians, white magicians, are youhaving trouble mixing your potions in time for thewinter solstice? [pull back to reveal the pitchman inmagician’s robe standing before a table complete withlit candles, a book of magic, mortar and pestle,blender with a bat icon on it – picks up mortar andpestle] Is your sorcery getting hung up because of thehours you spend mixing and blending your remedies?Then you need Rovco’s amazing new witch’s aid, theSuper-Bat-O-Matic ’77! [SUPER: BAT-O-MATIC]

You never have to use mortar, pestle or cauldronagain. Super-Bat-O-Matic cuts, chops, slices, dices,mixes and blends herbs, plants, twigs, sprigs, leaves,branches, claws, teeth, eyes, ears, skin, hair, blood,flies, insects, limbs and organs of all kinds, toads,lizards, newts, mice, rats and bats FASTER than youcan knife a goat! [picks up a book] Take this eleventhcentury remedy from the Key of Alcazar: Potion to WinLove and Shrink Hives.
Feather of a young hawk, belly of a fly,
Blood, bile of an ox,
A lizard’s lung,
Say “Sarax, sarax!”
And your will is done.
[dumps contents of black bag into blender]Seven threads, a hangman’s garment.
Basil, wolfbane and a shoot of wintermint.
To this, add the eye of a rat. [drops rat eye intoblender]And mix in the body of one whole bat!
[holds up the small quivering body a dead bat]Yes! Mix in the body of one whole bat! Remember what achore that USED to be?! Now, it’s fast and it’s easywith Rovco’s Bat-O-Matic! [drops bat in blender]Here’s how it works.

[puts top on blender, pushes button – blender blendscontents into a brown liquid – pitchman chantswordlessly as if speaking in tongues – Cut to womanwith glass of similarly brown liquid. To the crowd’shorror, she drinks from it, then smiles into thecamera:]

Bat-Drinker: Wow! That’s great bat! And a greatpotion, too. I’m in love and my hives arecured!

Pitchman: With Bat-O-Matic, you can prepare asmany bat-based potions as you like without pounding,grinding or mixing by hand. Throw away that mortar,pestle and cauldron! [briefly holds up mortar, pestleand tiny cauldron] Get the Super-Bat-O-Matic ’77! Itworks like magic! [starts up blender – SUPER:BAT-O-MATIC]

Don Pardo V/O: Bat-O-Matic — at alchemistseverywhere!

Submitted Anonymously

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