SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 10/30/76: Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tales



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  Season 2: Episode 6



76f: Buck Henry / The Band

Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tales

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mr. Mike…..Michael O’Donaghue

[A graphic reads: Least-Loved Bedtime Tales. Dissolveto that thin, bearded literary genius, MichaelO’Donoghue — perhaps better known as “Mr. Mike” –directly addressing the camera. He wears a dark suit,no tie, a white shirt open at the collar, dark glassesand an adhesive bandage on his left temple.]

Michael O’Donoghue: Good evening, I’m MichaelO’Donoghue and tonight’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tale’sentitled “The Enchanted Thermos” and it takes place inthe frozen north. Picture this: an Eskimo — in fact– in fact, the LITTLEST Eskimo — how’s that, huh?The LITTLEST Eskimo is lost in the trackless waste –cold, tired, half-dead from hunger. Then, in thedistance, he spots a brightly colored Thermos buriedin a snowdrift. He races toward it, his tiny heartpounding with excitement. Obviously, since he IS theLITTLEST Eskimo, he’d have a tiny heart, perhaps eventhe tiniest. Picking up the Thermos, he unscrews thered plastic top that also serves as a cup, pulls therubber stopper, and — kazam! — out pops a genie in aparka who says, “I can give you anything you want aslong as it’s made out of snow.” “I’m SO hungry,” saidthe Eskimo, “Could you please make me dinner?” “Surething,” replied the genie and within seconds he hadprepared a delicious dinner of snow cutlets stuffedwith snow, snow casserole, snow patties, snow salad, aside of snow, snow pudding, and a generous glass ofslush. “Oh, boy!” exclaimed the littlest Eskimo, tooka few bites and fell into a coma. About ten minuteslater, he was dead. The genie went through his pocketsand then crawled back inside the Thermos to get warm.The end. I would like to leave you with this thought.As you probably know, the fingernails do continue togrow after death so, in a sense — in a very realsense — we all turn into Chinese mandarins beyond thegrave. Good night.

[Dissolve to the graphic that reads: Least-LovedBedtime Tales.]

Submitted Anonymously

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