SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 10/30/76: The OinMENt

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 6

76f: Buck Henry / The Band

The OinMENt

Ambassador Thorne …..Buck Henry
Mrs. Thorne…..Jane Curtin
Damien…..John Belushi
Nanny Baylock…..Laraine Newman
Father Gorgenhaven…..Dan Aykroyd
Photographer…..Chevy Chase

[ open to creepy music, Ambassador Thorne and his wife sitting on the couch in their living room, as creepy, stone-faced Damien sits on the floor clutching a teddy bear. Buck and Jane sport bandages on their heads, as does Damien’s teddy bear. ]

Ambassador Thorne: Damien is such a strange little boy. Even his name is strange – Damien. Why did you name him that?

Mrs. Thorne: I didn’t name him that; I thought you named him that.

Ambassador Thorne: No, I didn’t. How strange.

Mrs. Thorne: Yes. Have you ever noticed how he has this strange, almost diabolical, power over Nanny?

Ambassador Thorne: Yes. Is.. is she afraid of him? Or has she always slept in a bible?

Mrs. Thorne: By the way, where is Nanny?

[ a stomping noise can be heard eminating from upstairs ]

Ambassador Thorne: I don’t know. He must be upstairs somewhere.

[ suddenly, the bottom half of a dummy Nanny, legs dangling, appears in view from the ceiling, hung to death ]

Ambassador Thorne: Ah! There’s Nanny now! Well.. I suppose we’ll have to get a new Nanny. I hate it when Nanny hangs herself. But.. that’s what happens when you’re an ambassador.

[ title card appears over the menacing grin of Damien’s face ] [ a new Nanny enters the house, carrying a stuffed devil dog. She pushes the legs of the old nanny aside so she can enter the living area, smiling at the Thornes with sharpened teeth ]

Nanny Baylock: Hello, I’m the new Nanny – Mrs. Baylock [ puts the stuffed devil dog down on the floor ] Staaay, Stuffy. Perhaps I could get acquainted with Damien in my own ways.

Mrs. Thorne: Swell!

Ambassador Thorne: Good.. good.

Nanny Baylock: [ approaches Damien ] Come here, Damien.. Come here, darling.. Have a liversnap! [ tosses a liversnap into Damien’s mouth ]

Ambassador Thorne: [ pleased ] Awww.. I like the new Nanny!

Mrs. Thorne: Me, too!

[ the dor opens, as Father Gorgenhaven, impaled by a street lamp with his right eye gouged, stumbles into the living area ]

Father Gorgenhaven: Ambassador Thorne! I’m Father Gorgenhaven, and I must talk to you! First, I’d like to explain: it’s hard to believe, but, on my way over here to warn you, I was impaled on this standing lamp!

Mrs. Thorne: [ expressing concern ] Can I get you a-a-a drink?

Father Gorgenhaven: No.. but I could use some Murine.

Mrs. Thorne: Right away, Father! [ to her husband ] Find out where he got that terrific lamp!

Ambassador Thorne: I shall.

Father Gorgenhaven: Ambassador Thorne! Your wife is not your son’s mother! I witnessed the birth! I saw it with my own eye!

Ambassador Thorne: [ confused ] What are you saying?!

Father Gorgenhaven: I’m saying that.. Damien is not your real son! I saw his mother! She was a d-! [ his head nods down, dead ]

Ambassador Thorne: Father? Father! Wha- [ to himself ] He was trying to tell me something, that.. Damien’s real mother was a d-.. a dockworker. No. A.. doorman! Eh.. a dreadful person.. uh.. dildo sharpener – no! A.. dart.. drama.. We’ll never know!

Father Gorgenhaven: [ momentarily alive again ] Wait! I’m not done yet! Let me put it another way! Damien had a dog for a mo-! [ his head nods down, dead ]

Ambassador Thorne: Wait! A dog for a mo-? A dog for a milkmaid.. a moth trainer.. a marriage counselor.. wait a minute. Damien had a dog for a dart sharpener.. Now, don’t die on me now, Father! I must know: where is Damien’s real mother?!

Father Gorgenhaven: [ momentarily alive again ] In the cemetary of Santa Diangelo!

Ambassador Thorne: Ahhhh..

Mrs. Thorne: [ re-enters ] Here’s your Murine, Father.

Father Gorgenhaven: Oh, thanks a lot..

Ambassador Thorne: Now, listen, honey – Father Gorgenhaven and I are going on a little trip to get him a monocle. You stay here with Dead Nanny, Live Nanny, Stuffy the Devil Dog.. uh.. Big Satan Baby, or whatever his name is.. you’ll be safe with them!

Mrs. Thorne: Oh, that will be fun!

Ambassador Thorne: Come on, Father!

Father Gorgenhaven: Aye, we must hurry!

[ the two men hurry out of the house ] [ dissolve to a pan of tombstones in an animal cemetary, as Ambassador Thorne and Father Gorgenhaven comment on what they are iewing from offscreen ]

Ambassador Thorne V/O: Let’s see now.. there’s.. Flicka.. hmm.. Mr. Ed.. Black Beauty.. Ruffian.. what is this?

Father Gorgenhaven V/O: They seem to be late horses. Keep looking!

Ambassador Thorne: Ah.. Old Yeller.. Checkers.. and Damien’s Mother! [ tombstone literally reads “Damien’s Mother” ] My God! Why in hell do you suppose they would bury her in a pet cemetary?!

[ dissolve back to the living area of the Thorne house, where Damien is circling the floorboards in a tricycle as Nanny Baylock watches on. Mrs. Thorne lies dead in cellophane on the couch. ]

Ambassador Thorne: Oh.. oh, my God! My dear, dead darling, damp, drowned wife! Bad dog! Bad dog! [ slaps the dog with his rolled-up newspaper ] What have you done!

Father Gorgenhaven: [ stumbling back into the house ] Ahhh.. Ambassador Thorne! You shouldn’t have left me in the car alone! It took me twenty minutes to get out!

Ambassador Thorne: Listen.. one of our nannies has been hung, my wife has drowned, my son’s real mother is buried in a pet cemetary – something seems to be wrong!

Father Gorgenhaven: It is the work of Satan! He is among us! [ his head nods down, dead ]

Ambassador Thorne: Father!

[ a Photographer with a bandage on his head suddenly stumbles into the house, hitting his head on the foot of the old hanged Nanny ]

Photographer: Oh! Thank God for the bandage! Ambassador Thorn?

Ambassador Thorne: Yes?

Photographer: I have some pictures.

Ambassador Thorne: I’m not interested in pictures now..

Photographer: Pictures of your wife.

Ambassador Thorne: I’m not interested!

Photographer: And.. your dog.

Ambassador Thorne: I’m interested.

Photographer: Good. It’s a bit dark in here, let’s turn on the priest. [ flicks the switch on the lamp that impales Father Gorgenhaven ] Now, look at this.

Ambassador Thorne: Yes?

Photographer: The same thing in each shot! Look above the Nanny’s head. Three sixes. The numbers six-six-six.

Ambassador Thorne: Hmm..

Photographer: Again, above the priest’s head – the numbers six-six-six.

Ambassador Thorne: Ah.

Photographer: And again here – the same mark – six-six-six.

Ambassador Thorne: This is incredible. Where did you get these pictures?

Photographer: I got them at 6-6-6 Nightbridge. Right near the London Hill.

Ambassador Thorne: Do you have any more pictures?

Photographer: Here’s the funniest thing – at the Christmas party, I made an ass of myself!

Ambassador Thorne: [ laughs hysterically ]

Photographer: And here’s one at my wedding, I’ll never forget that..

Ambassador Thorne: [ laughs hysterically ]

Photographer: There’s some more in the car, I could get them.

Ambassador Thorne: Why don’t you, I..?

Father Gorgenhaven: [ momentarily alive again ] You FOOL!! It’s those earlier pictures!

Ambassador Thorne: Yes?

Father Gorgenhaven: The ones with the six-six-six!

Ambassador Thorne: What do you mean?

Father Gorgenhaven: It’s the sign of the Anti-Christ! Six-six-six! The Devil’s area code! Search for it, on the skin of the evil one!

Ambassador Thorne: Well.. what evil one..?

Father Gorgenhaven: Damien! His father was Satan! His mother was Spot.. or, whatever her name was.

Ambassador Thorne: Wait.. wait a minute.. you’re telling me, if I find three sixes on the skin of that boy, that will prove he is the Son of Satan himself?!

Father Gorgenhaven: Yes!

Ambassador Thorne: Then, what do I do?

Father Gorgenhaven: Then, it is a fight to the death! Between you and the Prince of Darkness! And remember, he’s all powerful, and can summon up all evil forces of the world against you! He’ll do anything to destroy the world and you!

Ambassador Thorne: What weapons will I have at my disposal?!

Father Gorgenhaven: You’ll have to get a specially blessed knife, from a specially blessed guy I know! Seize the fiend, and drag him off to the alter of the church of your choice!

Ambassador Thorne: Yes?

Father Gorgenhaven: Plunge the knife into his black heart!

Ambassador Thorne: Yes?

Father Gorgenhaven: Sever his limbs!

Ambassador Thorne: Yes?

Father Gorgenhaven: Grab for his kidneys, and put them in your pockets – more on that later! And set his hair on fire!

Ambassador Thorne: Wha..? Father.. it’s revolting, but I think I understand what must be done.

Father Gorgenhaven: Aye..

[ Nanny Baylock stands, holding a sharp knife over Ambassador Thorne ]

Nanny Baylock: Ambassador Thorne! I warn you! I am here to protect the child, and I’ll stop at nothing..!

Ambassador Thorne: Just a second.. we must find out.

[ Ambassador Thorne pulls back Damien’s hair in hopes of not finding the numbers 6-6-6. He does find the numbers, but can only make them out in their upside-down form from his angle. ]

Ambassador Thorne: Heyyy! It’s alright! It’s just three nines! Ahhh! Good boy, Damien! Give him a liversnap, Nursie! That’s alright! Come on, Father Gorgenhaven. Let’s go down to the all-night drugstore, and get that eye some.. ointment.

[ together, they exit the house ]

Father Gorgenhaven: About my lamp..

[ closing title card re-appears over the menacing grin of Damien’s face ] [ fade ]

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