Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 6
Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry
[ open on interior, stockbroker’s office setting ]
Announcer: And now, another episode of.. “Samurai Stockbroker”.
[ title card appears ]
[ Futaba is checking a stock report off the tiker-tape machine, slicing the information from the machine using his trusted Futaba sword ]
[ a buzz on the desk telephone’s intercom ]
Secretary’s Voice: Mr. Dantley’s here to see you.
[ Futaba appears worried and uninterested in the arrival of Mr. Dantley, but grunts his approcal to have his client enter his office ]
[ Mr. Dantley enters the office ]
Mr. Dantley: Mr. Mikaraki? Mikariki. Listen.. I, uh.. I’m gonna get right to the point – I am very, very unhappy!
[ Futaba opens a box of cigars on his desk, offering one to his client ]
Mr. Dantley: No. No thanks, I’m trying to stop smoking.
Futaba: Oh? [ raises his sword, chops the tip off the cigar and proceeds to smoke in front of his client ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah.. now, listen to me. The margin call this morning on my stocks as higher than ever! I’m starting to panic! Do you realize that, one year ago, I was on top of the world?! I was supporting my wife and my three children.. I also had that apartment in town with that little “friend” of mine, you know who I, uhhh…
Futaba: [ understanding fully, pulls his sword from its case and slides it up and down ]
Mr. Dantley: But today, it’s a different story altogether! I believed in you! I sell all my shares of IBM, AT&T and General Motors – I sold it exactly as you told me to, and I invested them in that chain of gay sushi bars. But it didn’t work, it amounted to nothing! The stock’s gone down 11 points, look at it! [ tosses his stock folder onto the desk ] You said that this stock would split, 3 for 1!
[ in retaliation, Futaba raises his sword and rapidly chops the shock folder into three pieces, hoping this will please his client in full ]
Mr. Dantley: Well, I suppose that’s.. that’s a little bit better.. But that’s not exactly what I’m talking about. All I know is that, the third quarter net at Kentucky Mines was up 6.2%! ook at this graph! Ah! [ points to a graph on the wall, with lines going steadily up, then taking a sharp drop down ] It went great up here, and what happened? September, October, November – into the well-known toilet!
[ Futaba, who has been tugging the cigar in and out of his mouth ith a pair of chopsticks, pulls the graph from the wall and smashes it over his head, replacing the first half of the graph upon the wall to show only the stock value’s rise ]
Mr. Dantley: I see what you mean, but.. but I need security! That’s the point! Look – considering my assets, whatever they may be at this point.. would you think.. would you think that Foldger Mutual would be a good investment?
[ Futaba raises his right eyebrow, unsure ]
Mr. Dantley: What? Why don’t you figure it out for me on the machine?
[ Futaba presses a button on the wall in front of panel marked “Datbank”. The door slides open to reveal a series of abacuses ]
Mr. Dantley: Okay. Now! Consolidated sales and revenues rose 16% to 2.307 billion! That’s the net income. At $454 million, there was a gain of 91% from last year! [ Futaba mumbles ] 91%. [ Futaba mumbles ] 91%! [ Futaba now gets it ] Alright.. my question is: considering the exchange on my stocks and options at $3.95 a share, how many shares can I now afford to buy?
[ Futaba has been using his sword to calculate the beads of the abacus in order to garner a grand total. He presses the button, and a slip of paper labeled “4” pops out. ]
Mr. Dantley: Four?! Four?! Are you kidding?! I’m wiped, I’m bankrupt!! Is that what you’re telling me?! Because of your advice! Because of what you told me to do, I am totally bankrupt, it is all your fault!
[ aghast at the accusations, Futaba climbs atop his desk and pulls out his sword, prepared to perform the act of hari-kari ]
Mr. Dantley: I expected good advice from you! And what do I get? My own broker, he told me the worst things to do, and I paid attention to him! [ notices Futaba pressing the sword into his belly, quickly stops him ] Oh, wait a second.. wait a second.. it’s not entirely your fault.. I’m sorry.. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. it’s alright..
[ relieved to be alive, Futaba indicates a small hole he pierced into his belly ]
Mr. Dantley: I know, but you can plug it up. I should have.. I should have been more careful with my investments myself – how about that? I should have.. had a savings account. I’m in debt up to here, I owe everyone money.. I don’t know what to do. I know that the stress you go through with Wall Street is a big aggravation..
[ Futaba grunts, holding his stomach ]
Mr. Dantley: An ulcer?
[ Futaba nods ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, well.. I know, I know.. But I’ll tell you something. If this office had a window – boom! – I’d jump out of it.
[ Futaba expresses disbelief ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah.. Oh, yeah..
[ co-operating with his client’s wishes, Futaba thrusts his sword in the air and knocks out a hole in the wlal to create a window for his client to jump from. In the madcap frenzy of the scene, Buck Henry gets too close to John Belushi and is accidentally nicked in the forehead by Futaba sword. Buck is clearly dazed by the unexpected turn of events, momentarily putting his hand to his forehead to stop the flow of blood, but hurriedly concludes the scene. Futaba crouches over on all fours, as Mr. Dantley springs off his back and dives out the window. In the continued spirit of the live blooper, Buck crashes through the makeshift “sill” before he can completely dive out of the window. ]
[ Futaba ambles over to a felt tapestry of an airplane with little felt people in the middle, and tags up an additional person to symbolize losing another client to bad financial advice. He takes a swig of seltzer. ]
[ title card ]
Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of.. “Futaba Stockbroker”.
[ pan out to audience, close in on woman applauding as “Doesn’t Know Applauding Causes Blindness” superimposition appears onscreen ]