SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 10/30/76: Weekend Update with Chevy Chase



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 6






76f: Buck Henry / The Band

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

… Chevy Chase
Jimmy Carter V/O … Dan Aykroyd
… Jane Curtin

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open onChevy Chase who sits at the Weekend Update desk with abandage over his left temple and the desk phone to hisear.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update withChevy Chase!

Chevy Chase: [into phone] Well, that isridiculous. There’s no proof– You can smoke as muchof it as you want, it does not affect your motorskills, all right? Emotionally, maybe. Okay? [looks upat the camera] I’ve got to go, I’ll talk to you later.[tries to hang up phone, misses, tries again, misses,etc., eventually places receiver in its cradle with agrin]

Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and you’re Rod McKuen…. Our top story tonight:

Buck Henry cuts himself in the forehead in a sketch onthe Saturday Night show. … [applause] … as a fargone and downed and drugged-out John Belushi hits himwith a sword. …

Well, the first election returns are in. Gerald Ford,zero. Jimmy Carter, zero. … More on these figures asthey come in. …

John D. Ehrlichman, one of the Nixon Administration’smost powerful advisors, has voluntarily entered afederal prison camp to serve sentences for hisWatergate crimes. Last minute advice from his lawyerswere that he keep quiet about his pending appeal andthat he avoid fraternizing with the inmates — orbending over for the soap in the shower. …

[Photo of Betty Ford kissing a dog] Campaigning on herown in Michigan this week, Betty Ford won first placein a local dog smelling contest. … The First Ladyrevealed that she had plenty of experience in theWhite House with Ford’s golden retriever Liberty!…

[Photo of Gerald Ford kissing a beauty pageantcontestant] In an effort to encourage Americans to gettheir swine flu inoculations, President Ford went toAtlantic City this week where he swallowed ahypodermic syringe and personally vaccinated MissAmerica in the face. …

[holds up a sheet of paper, smiles] More news!

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Robert Dole –pronounced “Dole” — … recently laid blame for WorldWar II on a Democratic administration. Today,he went one step further. Addressing a group ofJapanese-Americans, Dole called it — called World WarII, quote, “a slur on the good name of Japan.” … Andpromised, if elected, to change the name of “PearlHarbor” to something less offensive to the Japanesecommunity — for example, “Surprise City.” …

Serious note: Michael Goldbaum, a media expert who hasbeen producing President Ford’s televisioncommercials, was fired yesterday when it wasdiscovered that he also produces hard-core pornographyfilms. The Ford people caught on when a recentcampaign ad with the announcement, “There’s a changecoming over this land,” showed Susan Ford wearingspiked heels, manacles and a Bicentennial dog collarwhile a masked Nazi tattooed “Vote for My Dad” allover her body. …

In a related story, as the presidential electioncampaign winds toward its end, both candidates havedecided, in a last minute display of good faith, NOTto release especially hard-hitting televisioncommercials. However, Weekend Update was ableto obtain two of them. Here is the first suchcommercial:

[Dissolve to film featuring Democratic candidate JimmyCarter working on his farm.]

Jimmy Carter V/O: I think the people of Americaneed a new kind of president. A president who feelsyour pain and shares your dreams, who lusts yourlusts. [Cut to woman in bikini] … Now, I try not tocommit a deliberate sin. [Cut to a montage of Carterkissing, shaking hands and talking with a variety ofwomen on the campaign trail] I recognize that I’mgonna do it anyhow because I’m human and I’m tempted.And Christ set some almost impossible standards forus. Christ says: “I tell you that anyone who looks ata woman with lust has, in his heart, already committedadultery.” Now, I’ve looked on a lot of women withlust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times.This is something that God recognizes I will do. [Cutto woman sashaying on beach in bikini] And I have doneit. And God forgives me for it. And I hope you forgiveme. And I hope Rosalyn will. Thank you.

[SUPER: Vote for Gerald Ford – Amy Carter hugs herfather as the film fades out. 2ND SUPER: Paid for andAuthorized by The Committee to Re-elect thePresident]

Chevy Chase: Of course, that was the GeraldFord commercial. And now, here is the Jimmy Cartercommercial coming right up now on your screen.

[Fade out on Chevy. Fade in on film of PresidentGerald R. Ford in the Oval Office, addressing thenation on September 8, 1974.]

President Gerald R. Ford: As we are a nationunder God, so I am sworn to uphold our laws with thehelp of God. And I have sought such guidance andsearched my own conscience with special diligence todetermine the right thing for me to do with respect tomy predecessor in this place, Richard Nixon, [Shot ofFord and Nixon walking with their wives down a redcarpet] and his loyal wife and family. [Shot ofNixon’s family walking down the same redcarpet]

I deeply believe in equal justice for all Americans…[Shot of Ford and Nixon standing together laughing,huge grins on their faces]

Now, therefore, I, Gerald R. Ford, President of theUnited States, pursuant [clears his throat] to thepardon power conferred upon me by Article II, Section2, of the Constitution, have granted and by thesepresents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardonunto Richard Nixon for all offenses against the UnitedStates which he, Richard Nixon, has committed or mayhavecommitted or taken part in during the period from July20, 1969 through August 9, 1974.

[Ford, having mistakenly said “July” instead of”January,” now signs the proclamation pardoning Nixonas SUPER reads: FOUR MORE YEARS]

Don Pardo V/O: Four more years.

[Footage of a grinning Nixon energetically waving hisarms above his head, flashing a peace sign with eachhand. SUPER: Vote for Carter – Fade out on Nixon. 2NDSUPER: Paid for and Authorized by The Committee toElect Jimmy Carter – Applause. We return to a dozingChevy at the WU desk, in front of a photo of a numberof wrecked automobiles. Chevy wakes up andgrins.]

Chevy Chase: Still to come, the Presidentialmotorcade makes a pit stop, after thismessage.

[ Dissolve to ad parody for Super Bat-o-Matic ’77. ]

Chevy Chase: This item just in: [sings]Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, My– [stopssinging, gives someone offscreen a quizzical look,then, into the camera] I’m sorry. [sets the bulletinaside]

And now, here is correspondent Jane Curtin with”People in the News.”

[Jane, seated next to Chevy, also has a bandage on herforehead.]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Chevy. In “People inthe News” tonight, actor Sammy Davis, Jr. had a closecall with death when his turquoise necklaceaccidentally became tangled with his wrist and anklebracelets … during a fake laughter rehearsal lastnight in Las Vegas. … [applause] Warren Beatty hassigned to do a sequel to “Shampoo.” The original titlewas to be “Blow Dry” but has been tentatively changedto “Older and Softer.” …

But the big news is, of course, that Saturday Nightstar Chevy Chase is leaving the tasteless late nightshow to replace Johnny Carson on “The Tonight Show” inHollywood. Carson, stepping down after almost fifteenyears, says he just wants to relax now, do a littletraveling and drinking, and read Monty Hall’s bookagain. … Chase says he’s looking forward tointerviewing self-indulgent Las Vegas performers andmeaningless personalities every single day for thenext ten years. … He considers it a challenge and animportant step in the communications field. And that’s”People in the News.”

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Jane. Well, this week,the TV networks announced that “The Bill Cosby Show,””Ball Four,” “Spencer’s Pilots,” “Mr. T and Tina,” and”Gemini Man.” [stops reading, sets bulletin aside]…

And now, Weekend Update’s Game of the Week.

[Chevy takes a sharp letter opener in one hand, putshis other hand flat on the desk with the fingersspread out, then rapidly and alternately puts thesharp end of the letter opener on the desk between hisoutstretched fingers, somehow managing to avoidstabbing himself. Applause. Chevy puts letter openeraway. Phone rings. Startled, Chevy eyes it with askeptical grin, then answers.]

Chevy Chase: Hello? … Hello? Who? … Oh,yes. I’ll accept the charges. Hi, Francisco, how areya? … How’s your back? … Good. No, I’ll probablybe back and forth, you know how it is. … Well, youjust, uh, put your legs under a pillow, you’ll feelmuch better. … Uh huh … Well, it’s good talking toyou, yes. Shall we send you an absentee ballot? …Okay. So long now. [hangs up] [Side by side photos of Ford and Carter – Ford has abig, black, curly handlebar mustache painted on hislip] Well, the election is all but upon us and it’s animportant election. In the past weekend– Or: [SUPER:COMMENTARY] In the past, Weekend Update has maintaineda professional objectivity about major events of theworld, never taking sides, always endeavoring topresent all perspectives on all the issues regardlessof personal feelings. For this reason, in keeping withour policy of fairness, we will not endorse either ofthe candidates for the presidency. [applause]

And that’s the news tonight. Thank you for joining us.Good night and have a pleasant breakfast.

[Cheers and applause as we pull back and fade out onChevy who sits grinning with his hands interlacedbefore him, perhaps contemplating the fact that thisis his last regular appearance as the WUanchor.]

Submitted Anonymously

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