Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 7
Senator’s Voice…..Al Franken
John Dean…..Dick Cavett
Attorneys…..Tom Schiller, Alan Zweibel
President Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd
Rose Mary Woods…..Gilda Radner
Henry Kissinger…..John Belushi
Maureen Dean…..Jane Curtin
[ open on John Dean testifying in court ] [ SUPER: “Senate Watergate Hearings, June 27, 1973” ]
Senator’s Voice: Order!! Order!![ a gavel bangs ]
Senator’s Voice: So, uhhh — uhhh — Mr. Dean! Uhh, would you stand on, uhh — swear on the, uhh — the, uhh — the Bi — Bi — Bible?
John Dean: Bible.
Senator’s Voice: The Bible? That, uh — the President — authorized the use of a million dolars in the, uhh — uhh — hush, uhh — hush —
John Dean: Hush money.
Senator’s Voice: Money?
John Dean: Uh, hush money. That is correct, Senator, yeah.
Senator’s Voice: Uhh — uhh — uhh, are you aware of the, uhh — uhh — implications of what you, uhh — uhh — of what you, uhh — uhh —
John Dean: Testified?
Senator’s Voice: Uhh —
John Dean: Divulged?
Senator’s Voice: Uhh —
John Dean: Asserted?
Senator’s Voice: Uhh —
John Dean: Replied?
Senator’s Voice: Uhh —
John Dean: Sounds like, uhh —
Senator’s Voice: Of what, uhh — uhh — you just said!
John Dean: Yes, I am. Yes, I am, Sir. It means that the President is guilty of an impeachable offense, and it also means that I can make a bundle by writing a book about it.[ superimpose Dean’s book — BLONDE AMBITION: The White House Years — over his image ]
John Dean V/O: My decision to testify before the Senate Select Committee was made of a fateful day in April of 1973.
John Dean V/O: I was outside the Oval Office, waiting to talk with the Commander-in-Chief, the leader of the free world, Richard M. Nixon.
President Richard Nixon: So… Rosemary… as soon as Sammy left the room, I said, “All he wants is good sex, comfortable shoes, and a warn place to go to the bathroom!”[ they share the laugh ]
Rose Mary Woods: Oh, Mr. President! You certainly know how to tell a joke!
President Richard Nixon: Yeah. Remind me to tell that one to Butts — he loves a good joke now and again. Now, about this Dean thing. So, we’re ready if he, uh, sings to that wop, Sirica, right?
Rose Mary Woods: Uh, yes. Uh —
Henry Kissinger: Mr. President! Mr. President!
President Richard Nixon: Henry! You can’t barge in here like this!
Henry Kissinger: But, Mr. President, this is an emergency! Brezhnev is threatening to send troops into the Middle East.
President Richard Nixon: Well, I don’t care! Do whatever you want! I’ve got a MILLION things on my mind!
Henry Kissinger: Aw-ha! Mr. President, you shouldn’t spend so much time on Vatergate.
President Richard Nixon: Henry, not now! I’m busy! Please!
Henry Kissinger: Oh, you’re busy? Vellll… I quit! See you later, pal! [ he turns to leave ]
President Richard Nixon: NO!! Don’t quit!!
Henry Kissinger: Oh, no! I’m gone! See you later!
President Richard Nixon: Please, don’t quit! I NEED you, Henry!
Henry Kissinger: Yeah, sure…
President Richard Nixon: I’ll give you ANYTHING you want!
Henry Kissinger: Anything I vant?
President Richard Nixon: Yeah. Whatever you want! Anything you want. Henry, please, just don’t quit on me now!
Henry Kissinger: [ he smirks ] How about a raise?
President Richard Nixon: Okay, you’ve got it.
Henry Kissinger: I got a raise? Uhhh… I vant a silver Stingray…
President Richard Nixon: No problem!
Henry Kissinger: Uhh… I vant to take girls into the Blue Room…
President Richard Nixon: Go right ahead!
Henry Kissinger: Annnnddd… I vant to play golf at a country club where they don’t allow Jews. [ he smirks ]
President Richard Nixon: [ stung ] Gee, Henry… that might be tough, I… I don’t know…
Henry Kissinger: Sorry, pal! Nice vorking vith ya’! See ya’ later!
President Richard Nixon: Alright, alright!! I’ll put you in a foursome with Billy Graham and Frank Fitzimmons!
Henry Kissinger: Alright! Now you’re talking! Alright, I’ll talk to, uhhh — how about the viretaps? Can I viretap anybody I vant?
President Richard Nixon: Anybody you want!
Henry Kissinger: Oh, that’s good! Alright, I’ll take care of the Brezhnev thing, I’ll talk to him, I’ll put him out…
President Richard Nixon: Good, good, good!
Henry Kissinger: [ as he glances at Rose Mary ] Wait a minute… Rose Mary! [ he steps closer ] Rose Mary, I’ve always wanted to tell you this: but, for a woman your age, you are extremely unattractive!
Rose Mary Woods: [ smiling ] That’s very diplomatic of you, Mr. Kissinger.
President Richard Nixon: Just get out of here, Henry! Please!
Henry Kissinger: Alright, alright, I’ll see you later!
President Richard Nixon: Alright!![ Kissinger exits the Oval Office, as Nixon returns to his desk ]
President Richard Nixon: Now, about this De-e-e-ean thing…
Rose Mary Woods: Uh — yes, Mr. President. He’s waiting outside. Now, I’ve, uh, typed up this letter of resignation that was drafted by Mr. Ehrlichman, for Mr. Dean to sign.
President Richard Nixon: [ reading ] Hmm… Good! Good! If he signs this, I’m home-free! Oh, and, Rose Mary — would you turn on the tape machine, please?
Rose Mary Woods: Oh, yes, Mr. President. [ she turns on the recordin device ]
President Richard Nixon: Ha ha! If I’m gonna try to get Dean to incriminate himself and make me look innocent! A tape could come in handy as evidence.
Rose Mary Woods: Uh, yes, Mr. President.
President Richard Nixon: Boy, what a GREAT idea this taping system is! Oh, boy! Am I gonna make Dean look STUPID! Oh! Is he gonna look like an IDIOT!!
Rose Mary Woods: You’re a genius, Mr. President.
President Richard Nixon: Yes, I am! Now, once I get DEan on tape, there’s no way I could accidentally erase it, is there?
Rose Mary Woods: Oh, no. All it can do is Play and Record. I’m the only one who can erase it accidentally.
President Richard Nixon: Oh, good! Thanks, Rose Mary, you sure are loyal.
Rose Mary Woods: Oh, thank you, Mr. President.
President Richard Nixon: Now, send Dean in, please.
Rose Mary Woods: Yes. Oh! Mr. President, one more thing. Be sure to have Mr. DEan talk into the lamp.
President Richard Nixon: The lamp. Okay.[ Rose Mary exits, as Nixon picks up the desk lamp and practices ]
President Richard Nixon: Testing! Testing, 1-2! Testing, 1-2! [ he looks around, then starts to sing into the lamp ] “Once, there was a silly ol’ ram / And he dug a hole in that dam / No one could make that ram, scram / He kept, hitting that dam / ‘Cause he had, high hopes! / He had, high –“[ Dean enters, flustering Nixon ]
President Richard Nixon: John! Well, John! I was just, uh, sitting here singing to relax. I’ve been working so hard in the business of running the country and national security matters and such, that I… really haven’t had time to think about Watergate.
John Dean: Uh, I see. Well, Mr. President, I only came to say — well, I want to say — I don’t know how to put this, but you do understand, don’t you, that I’m loyal —
President Richard Nixon: John! Do you remember in March, when you came in and told me that there was a “cancer” growing in the presidency?
John Dean: I certainly do, Sir, yes. Yes, I do.
President Richard Nixon: That was the first time I heard about it — right? [ he thrusts the desk lamp into Dean’s face ]
John Dean: Well, uh, yes, that — well, that would be true, if you do choose to take that line of defense, sir. That’s why I believe you must clear the air, because my feeling is that Sirica will not stop at Hunt and Liddy.
President Richard Nixon: John, I know that Judge… John Sirica… is a fine and fair jurist in the tradition of the Italian people.
John Dean: Yes. Sir, I just hope that nothing I would ever say would lead the prosecutors to — well — to call for your impeachment.
President Richard Nixon: John! You know, John, the first time I ever understood the sancity of the presidency was… after Ike had his heart attack. I sat behind this very desk here, and I said to myself, “Someday I’m going to have my own presidency. And there’s going to be some changes made. I –” [ he notices Dean looking at the bookcase ] What are you looking at?
John Dean: Oh, uh, nothing. I-I just couldn’t help noticing that your Shakespeare volumes are titled MacBeth, Romeo & Juliet, Record, Stop, Fast-Forward, Rewind, The Merchant of Venice, Sir.
President Richard Nixon: Uh, yeah — well — John, come here an sit down! Will you, please? Just sit in my chair here, and see how it feels — as it were. Just relax for a moment. [ Dean sits ] You know, my aunt who lives in Modesto, California — she’s a, she’s a handwriting analyst. She does it as a hobby, sort of. Well, she’d be THRILLED if she had your signature among her collecton. Why don’t you just sign this piece of paper, and I’ll send it out there. She’ll get a BIG kick out of it!
John Dean: Yes, Sir. Just put my name right here?
President Richard Nixon: Just put your name there, she’d get a big kick out of it!
John Dean: Wait a minute. [ he holds up the paper ] This is a letter. [ reading ] “Dear, Mr. President. Please accept my immediate resignation because of my responsibility for the Watergate cover-up. Also, for the secret war in Combodia and the ITT incident. Ehrlichman and Haldemann knew nothing. I just hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. I am not a bottom-dwelling slug; you are not a crook. Signed: John Dean.” But —
President Richard Nixon: [ pretends to be stunned ] Wha-a-a-a-atttt?! Wha-a-a-att?! Let me see that! [ he grabs the paper ] Isn’t that WEIRD?! Well, isn’t that something! That — that really is a MYSTERY, John! That’s a STUMPER if EVER I saw one, John! Why, isn’t that STRANGE![ ripple dissolve back to the present, John Dean seated in a jail cell ]
John Dean V/O: That was the last time I spoke with Richard Nixon. A year-and-a-half later found a new president in the White House, and me, Ehrlichman and Haldemann on a minimum security prison. It was visiting day, and my wife, Mo, had come to see me.[ reveal Dean typing up his memoirs in prison; he turns to see Maureen seated next to him ]
Maureen Dean: How’s the book coming?
John Dean: Oh, hello, Mo. Uh — just great. It’s doing nicely.
Maureen Dean: Have you seen today’s paper?
John Dean: No. Why.[ music sting ] [ she hands him the newspaper ]
John Dean: On the front?[ she nods ]
John Dean: “Ford Pardons Nixon”?! I don’t believe it! And… only Nixon. Well, he’ll nbever have to admit anything!
Maureen Dean: Do you have anything on Ford in your book?
John Dean: Yes, I do. A couple of things.
Maureen Dean: [ thinking ] Ford will probably run in ’76.
John Dean: Yeah?
Maureen Dean: Why don’t you release your book right before the election?
John Dean: [ excited ] That’s a GREAT idea! That’ll ensure two things: big slaes for my book, and a presidency for Hubert Humphrey![ pull back on wide shot of set, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… The Full-Frontal Nudity Cookbook” ] [ fade ]