SNL Transcripts: Dick Cavett: 11/13/76: Funny Word Survey


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Funny Word Survey

…..Dick Cavett
…..Tom Davis
…..Al Franken

Dick Cavett: NBC has asked that we take part in a survey, and there are two research scientists here for that. so, will you please welcome Drs. Franken and, um, Davis, is it?

Dr. Tom Davis: Yes. Thank you, Dick Cavett.

[ Franken and Davis enter, dressed in lab coats ] [ Al Franken places a boombox-sized device onto a stool ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Thank you, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Dr. Thomas James Davis. This is my, um, this is my associate, Dr. Alan S. Franken. We’re from Johns Hopkins Department of Semantic Psychology. Uh, not, of course, to be confused with Semetic Psychology, which is a different story altogether! [ he laughs ] Thank you! Thank you. Uh, we are conducting a survey for NBC, citting the psychosemantic relationship of words and humor. Why, for example, does the word “potato” NEVER fail to get a laugh? [ he laughs ] Thank you. So, uh — thank you – so, we have, uh, chosen to use this technique, then, to measure your audience laugh response tonight to five words which we’ve selected from the dictionary at random. And, to do this, we have the latest in equipment developed in this field by my associate and myself. We will be working with the Laugh-ograph, and the Teehee-ometer, which we have synthesized.

Dr. Al Franken: Sometimes, when we’re just joking around the lab, we call it the, uh, Hardy-Hardi-ograph!

[ Davis tries to stifle his laughter ]

Dr. Tom Davis: True story! True story! It gets a little ZANY sometimes in the lab. Ay any rate, we’ll be using this equipment to be able to, uh — [ he laughs ] immediately compute your audience laugh response, so, if you’re all ready now — of course, I know I am. I’ll hand the official survey instructions to my associate. He’ll break the seal and read the instructions, and we’ll be able to begin tonight’s survey, so I’ll havd the floor over to my associate, Dr. Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you, Dr. Davis!

Dr. Tom Davis: You’re welcome, Dr. Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you very much.

Dr. Tom Davis: [ waving him on ] Just start. Just start.

[ Dr. Franken stares at Dr. Davis, then finally begins ]

Dr. Al Franken: The official audience instructions: Try to avoid unneccessary associations with sexuality… beastiality… anality… the… [ embarrassed, he tries to avoid looking at his instructions ] female mammory glands… [ he adjusts his tie ] or the… [ once again, he struggles through his embarrassment ] fellopian tubes. [ he adjusts his tie ] Try to keep your minds as BLANK as possible. It may be helpful to think about TV bowling.

Dr. Tom Davis: Ready? Word #1.

Dr. Al Franken: Wazoo!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken adjusts the synthesizer ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Word #2.

Dr. Al Franken: Vaseline!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken adjusts the synthesizer ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Word #3.

Dr. Al Franken: Sand!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken adjusts the synthesizer ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Word #4.

Dr. Al Franken: [ once again embarrassed ] Finger!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken turns to look away ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Finally, Word #5.

Dr. Al Franken: Pubic!

[ Dr. Davis shoves Dr. Franken ]

Dr. Al Franken: [ looking again ] PUBLIC!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken adjusts the synthesizer ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Alright, thanks very much, ladies and gentlemen, for your very kind cooperation. Now, if the equipment has been operating properly, we should have the results of tonight’s survey, so I’ll hand the floor to my associate, Dr. Franken, for the results of tonight’s survey. Dr. Franken?

[ Dr. Franken pulls the results from the machine ]

Dr. Al Franken: Here we go. [ he clears his throat ] The official — [ he looks up as Dr. Davis peers over his shoulder ] Thank you, by the way, Dr. Davis.

Dr. Tom Davis: You’re welcome, Dr. Franken!

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you very much.

[ Dr. Davis shoves Dr. Franken ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Just read it!

Dr. Al Franken: Okay, okay! [ reading ] The official audience results! This audience ranks in the lowest percentile in the nation, in terms of mental and emotional stability. But, in the upper percentile here in New York.

Dr. Tom Davis: Ladies and gentlemen… we’re not actually research scientists! allow us to remove our disguises — [ they remove their lab coats ] We’re the comedy team of Franken & Davis!

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you, and good night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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