Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 7
Dick Cavett’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Dick Cavett.[ as Cavette approaches Home Base, he shakes an audience member’s hand and dons a Nixon farewell pose ]
Dick Cavett: Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Say, it’s nice of you to be here, and it’s nice of me to be here. [ light, confused laughter from the audience ] You may wonder what I mean by that, but, the fact is, the producer called me — Mr. Michaels, quite agitated — uh, if you read TV Guide, don’t complain to them, because it says that Elliott Gould is hosting tonight. Elliott was going to host tonight, but they called me and said, “Can you come in?” This was not to be my week, because Elliott actually, uh — everything was ready to go, and his doctor advised him that he could make a great deal more money on the Olivia Newton-John special. So he isn’t here, but I really did leap into the breach, and thank you for your — uh, and to Elliott fans, I’ll do the best I can.[ Cavett opens his jacket and pulls a stack of cards out of his pants ]
We had these cards handed out because I’ve always wanted to know what the audience thinks when it comes to this show, and, also, I thought having a card that says: “I would like to ask Dick Cavett the following question…” would make it quite clear who the host is tonight. So… I’ll just run through these:
“How did it feel being married to Barbra Streisand?”[ Cavett shakes his head and continues ]
“Have you ever been in therapy? We’re available for consultation. Marty Steinberg and Debbie Lombardi.”
Are you here? [ he looks around ] Leave a picture of your couch.
“Do you enjoy live audiences?”
Uh — yes. In fact, we’re thinking of bringing one in here. [ he smiles ] I’m sorry, I think we’re gonna be okay.
“I know your wife is a Broadway actress. You never talk about her on TV.”
Uh, I don’t see why I should — she never mentions me in her plays.
There’s more. “How does it feel to be married to a beautiful blonde dish?”[ he chuckles ]
You’d have to ask her![ the audience groans slightly ]
“First you appear on “The Big Event”, and now this. Don’t you have any taste?”[ he smiles ] Listen — a lot of shows, it’s better to be on them than to watch them. It’s a big advantage. This show’s fun, because you get a lot of exercise, you get no rehearsal, you run from set to set… the next day, you get exercise because people throw things at you on the street — this is a fun show to do.
“How does it feel to be so short… in a world of mental… G-A-I..?” You probably meant giants, didn’t you? [ he shakes his head ]
“I don’t like to come to your town any more. What makes New York so crummy these days?”[ without hesitation ] Tourists. [ wild applause from the audience ] [ smiling ] I must remember that!
“Would you patronize a streetwalker?”
No, I would treat her as an equal.
I don’t know, there’s a theme running through these: “Have you ever committed adultery, in your mind?”
Uh — not in my mind! It’s far too crowded there.
“Who do you think has the most charisma between Ford and Carter?”
Actually, anybody, between Ford and Carter…”[ scattered applause ]
“I hear you were in a commercial. Which?”
I assumed everybody knew this — I’m the Pillsbury Doughboy.
“Is there any commercial you wouldn’t do?”
Uh — I would not be that guy, you know, in the toilet in the little boat. He’s, uh, he’s not the only person in television whose career is in the toilet, but he’s making money on it!
“With what fraternity were you affiliated at Yale?”
Uh, I-I wasn’t in one. I just don’t like the idea of, uh — I couldn’t afford it! But my roommates and I had the same fun, as if we were in one. We, uh, you know, we’d get nude and drink beer and throw up on each other.[ the audience applauds ]
“Do you believe in deja vee, or vu? If you do, is there anything that’s happened in your past that’s occurred recently?”
Uh — no.
“Do you believe in deja vee, or vu? If you do, is there anything that’s, uh…?” [ he smiles, as the audience groans ]
“Please take your –” Lady says: “Please take your shirt off. Kathy.”
I’ll make a deal with you, Kathy.
“You’ve had Barbara Walters — is she worth five million dollars?” [ he laughs at the wording ]
May I skip one down here? [ he flips through the cards ]
Let’s see… I do not believe this. In all the time I’ve been asked questions… “Are you hung, in proprtion to your height?” [ the audience chuckles ] Do you want to see it, if it’s on there?
The ratio’s 5 to 1 — but I’m not saying which way.[ the audience applauds ]
“How do you get a date with Robert Redford?”
I usually dress sexy, and uh…” [ the audience laughs ] Say, you’re wonderful! Let’s do this all again, shall we? We’ll be right back, after this message.