SNL Transcripts: Dick Cavett: 11/13/76: Least-Loved Bedtime Tales: The Blind Chicken



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7



76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Least-Loved Bedtime Tales: The Blind Chicken

Mr. Mike … Michael O’Donoghue

[ Music: gentle solo piano, in background throughout sketch. The evil Mr. Mike — a thin, bearded man in dark suit and glasses — sits facing the camera in front of a gray wall. Weird, shadowy lighting. A superimposed text reads: “Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tales.” Text fades out and camera slowly moves forward to a close-up as Mr. Mike addresses the audience. ]

Mr. Mike: Good evening, I’m Michael O’Donoghue — or “Mr. Mike,” as my friends like to call me — and tonight’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tale is entitled “The Blind Chicken.”

[ as if reading a story to children ] There once lived, on the edge of an alligator-infested lagoon, a blind chicken. He was very happy. Or about as happy as you can be if you’re a blind chicken.

One day there is a knock on the door of his coop. Knock-knock-knock. “Who is it?” asked the chicken. [ insincere voice ] “I’m a, uh, uh– Oh, what do you call those things? They’re yellow and they have the, uh, webbed feet, um– [ snaps his fingers, trying to remember ] You know what I’m talkin’ about. They’re always splashin’ around in the water and they go ‘quack’ or somethin’?”

“A duck?” suggested the chicken.

[ insincere voice ] “Uh, yeah, that’s it,” the voice answered. “I’m a duck.”

“Oh, come right in, Mr. Duck,” said the chicken, unlocking the door. “You know, for a second there, I was afraid you might be one of those alligators that infest the– GLOCK! EEARGH! URK! URK!” [ head shakes violently, as if being torn off by alligator ] [ calmly, after a slight pause ] And the alligator ate the chicken.

Ahhhh, that’s about it, except, uh, three, four months later, the alligator was sunning himself on the highway and he was run over by a bus. A, um, big Greyhound Scenicruiser®. No, wait, I’m sorry. I was just kidding. What actually happened was the alligator was in the forest, sunning himself on a log, when he was run over by a hovercraft.

In any case, he was, uh, just mashed. The end.

In closing, I would like to leave you with this thought about love:

“Love is a death camp in a costume.” Good night.

[Applause. Camera pulls back, image and music fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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