SNL Transcripts: Dick Cavett: 11/13/76: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman

[ open on Jane Curtin seated behind desk, reading Ms. Magazine ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.

[ Jane flips around to the front of the magazine, whose cover reads:
“How’s Your Sex Life?
Better •
Worse •
I Forget •”

[ Jane pushes her pencil all the way through the magazine, then looks up to notice the camera on her ]

Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight: The Post Office announced today, that in honor of the Bicentennial, it is going to re-issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter.

Following the final election returns last week, Gerald Ford made a privste telephone call to Richard Nixon in San Clemente. Our sources report that the ex- and soon-to-be ex-President discussed plans for running together in 1980, but couldn’t decide what country to do it in.

Now that the elections are over, people are obviously excited about the impending change in administrations. But not without caution, however. Students are show here, parading through the streets of Washington with the head of Jerry Ford, who they decapitated as a warning to Jimmy Carter that he’d better watch himself.

Many Republicans are blaming Sen. Robert Dole for the loss of the Presidential election. Dole denies that he was a minus instead of a plus on this year’s ticket, by saying that if it had been Carter-Mondale against Ford, many voters would have criticized the president for not having a running mate.

Well, the largest priest in the world turned ventriloquist this week. A highlight of his act will be drinking a glass of wine and singing “I gotta Be Me” at the same time.

Actress Sally Field is making a comeback, in a 4-hour drama, “Sybil”, to be televised on NBC. Adapted from the book, “Sybil” is the story of a woman who took refuge in sixteen different personalities. Sally welcomes the challenge of this role, and feels she is confident to pull it off. As she recently told this reporter: “Thank you, it’s nice to be here.” “Should I check your oil, Ma’am?” “And now it’s time to play Double Jeopardy!” “We’ll call the baby… Jesus.” “Je m’appel Henri.” “Franklin, stop playing with that and come to bed!” “Good Yante, Rabbi!” “I do.” “Who was that masked man?” “I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.” “Come on, Sandy, we gotta find Daddy Warbucks!” “$20 for me, $10 for the hotel.” “Every boy wants a Hasbro toy!” “Hey, Abbotttt!!” “I am not a crook!” “Lassie, it’s me, Timmy!” “And, as God as my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.”

[ over Obituary headline ] Members of the Plains Baptist Church, which — [ she looks up to see which camera is facing her ] Hello!

Members of the Plains Baptist Church — [ the camera switches angles again ] Hello!

Members of the Plains Baptist Church, which Jimmy Carter has attended all his life, will meet tomorrow morning to decide whether or not to admit Blacks to the congregation. Village residents are optimistic about the decision, as the church baptismal basin is being stocked this week with alligators shipped in from the Florida Everglades. [ she glances off-screen ] We could try that again on that camera, and see if…

[ the camera switches once again to the Obituary headline ]

Ohhh, hello!

In a tragic note this week, it was discovered that the death of Smokey the Bear was actually a suicide. The veteran firefighter was despondent over his failing health, a condition doctors described as chronic insomnia. Smokey hadn’t slept for the past three winters, leaving him restless, confused, and quite incoherent, as indicated in his suicide note, which went: “Remember, only you can prevent Forrest Tucker.”

For more on this story, we take you now to Lincoln National Forest in New Mexico, with correspondent Laraine Newman.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing in front of a forest background ]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing here in New Mexico, at the site of the funeral for Smokey the Bear. it was a touching service, attended by close friends as well as celebrities, including Bambi, Thumper, Peter Cottontail, Redd Foxx, Max Baer, and Beaver Cleaver. You know, oddly enough, Jane, Smokey’s last request was to be cremated. He wanted it that way. Smokey was always worried about ecology, and figured that his remains should not take up precious land space with a burial.

[ behind Laraine, a superimposed fire begind to blaze brightly ]

so, a simple cremation it is, Jane. This beloved civil servant is now gone, but definitely not forgotten. And so, Smokey the Bear, who spent his life prowling and a-growling and sniffing the air, he could smell a fire before it starts to flame. That’s the way they called him. Smokey. That’s how he got his name. Back to you, Jane.

[ return to Jane at the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: And with Smokey’s death, so ends the 26-year moratorium on forest fires.

A post-script to this story: Weekend Update has just learned that Smokey’s job as fire prevention symbol will be taken over by NBC’s own Gene Shalit.

Still to come: General William Westmoreland on his way to a Utah firing squad, after this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for “Marines” ] [ dissolve back to Jane at the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: Our final story is the kind of story we like to see in this day and age, when all you hear about New Yorkers is that they just don’t want to get involved. Well, Vietnam vet Tony Hernandez was walking home to his South Bronx apartment last night, when he heard the screams of 23-year old Vicky Hamill, who was being raped at knifepoint by a 300-pound assailant. Well, Hernandez interceded; the assailant knifed him to death, and continued with Miss Hamill. You just don’t hear stories like that any more.

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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