SNL Transcripts: Paul Simon: 11/20/76: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 8

76h: Paul Simon / George Harrison

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [ fidgeting with birth control pills, swallows one, then notices camera on her ] Good evening! Our top story tonight..

A long-term study of contraception has resulted in a highly favorable evaluation of the diaphragm.. as opposed to the oral contraceptive.. pill.. which has had controversies over its side effects. The major complaint about the diaphragm, compared to the pill, is that the diaphragm is much harder to swallow.

A report released this week by Carter campaign treasurer Rober Lipscwitz, states that Jimmy Carter spent nearly $35 million to win the presidency. The President-Elect is shown here begging on the streets of Plains for money to make up his deficit.

Actor Harry Reams, the largest member of the cast of Deep Throat, attended a star-studded party to raise money for his legal defense funds. It was there that he unveiled a new Harry Reams cocktail, which, although it contains no beer, still has a head.

Jane Curtin: It’s my job, Mom, I’m sorry.. Now this filmed report from correspondent Laraine Newman.

[ cut to Laraine in a Long Island deli ]

Laraine Newman: This is Laraine Newman, reporting from Sleepy Miniola, Long Island, where last week it was revealed that long-time resident, Bolosov Maikoskis, allegedly was a Nazi war criminal who entered this country illegally. But, Miniolans tell me they accept Maikoskis as a peaceful citizen who payes his taxes, keeps up his lawn, and works afternoons with the town’s state high school champion soccer team. They see no reason to deport Maikoskis, nor any of the other Nazis who came here after World War II. For local residents, Nazis are like any other minority group who fled to this country to escape persecution. Only in America, Jane, the melting pot of the world. Laraine Newman, Miniola, Long Island.

This just in: Utah murderer Gary Gilmore, who has requested a speedy carrying out of his death sentence, has just won the Utah State Lottery, the first prize, which is $50,000 a year for life. Utah lottery officials said they couldn’t be happier.

There was a near-tragedy this week, when popular TV personality Morris the Cat attempted suicide. Despondent over the death of close friend, Smokey the Bear, Morris, in an act of sympathy, chose to call it quits himself, leaving behind a note which read, simply, “Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow..” Because Morris had nine lives, he tried to end them all by hanging himself, slitting his wrist, sticking his head in the oven, mixing alcohol with sleeping pills, throwing himself in front of a train, bringing a radio in the bathtub with him, shooting himself, and sitting in a car with the motor running in his garage. Morris, now resting comfortably at the hospital, depressed that he could only think of eight ways to kill himself. “Update” viewers who have ideas for a ninth way to kill Morris are urged to send them to: [ SUPER ] “Kill Morris, c/o Weekend Update, NBC, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, NY 10020.” The decision of Morris is final.

And, in still another celebration, today marks the first anniversary of the so-called death of Generalissimo Francisco Franco. He, too, has been receiving gifts from all over the world, including dead flowers from Argentina, a Candygram from Mao-Tse Tung, and recently acquired Dawn, Doc, Mr. T and Tina, as well as a homesick Barbara Walters from the National Broadcasting Company.

Federal health officials report that a new strain of gonorrhea, which kills the penicillin used to treat it, has turned up in eleven states. Coincendentally, they are the same states visited last Spring by Uganda’s dictator Idi Amin. Reached for comment by our Update correspondent, Amin said, “It just goes to prove that I can spread my philosophy in your country.”

Jane Curtin: Here to comment further on this, is Update Science Editor Dr. Garrett Morris. Dr. Morris, tell us about this new strain, and why has it gotten out of hand.

Garrett Morris: [ with microscope and eyeglasses ] Well, uh, Jane.. what makes this strain so unusual is that it kills penicillin which is used to kill gonorrhea.. and this gonorrhea is a tricky one. Let me show you.. uh.. [ puts slide on microscope ] Now, this here is penicillin.. let’s just focus in.. [ view on slide shows cartoon of Indians being recruited for war, and battling ] Now, you see? Now, we’ve fortified this penicillin the best way we knew how. But no matter what we do, the results are always the same. Different approach, new strategies – nothing seems to work against this gonorrhea. Because in the long run, the penicillin is still a loser.

Jane Curtin: Very frightening, Doctor.

Garrett Morris: Yes.

Jane Curtin: Let me ask you something, Doctor.. I’m curious just where did you get this particular sample from?

Garrett Morris: Loretta.

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dr. Garrett Morris.

Portions of a radioactive cloud, caused by this week’s nuclear test in China, are expected to reach New York City tomorrow morning. Remains of this giant mushroom cloud filled with significant amounts of radioactive fallout, may hover over the city for as much as twenty-four hours. In a related story, the weather forecast for New York’s metropolitan area calls for brighter skies, a lower pollen count, and the best air quality that this area has experienced for quite some time.

Jane Curtin: Good night, enjoy the weather, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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