Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 9
Believe in Bees
Peter Pan…..Laraine Newman
[A typical teen bedroom. Jodie’s on the bed, on the phone.]
Wendy: Oh, right. Uh yeah, I mean, Pink Floyd this great group from the Sixties? Is really hot. No, listen, Aerosmith is loud but you can’t hold loudness against ’em. Right. Okay, call me, talk to you tomorrow. Ok? [hangs up, puts on headphone radio] [Peter Pan and Tinkerbee pop in through the window and jump on the bed.]
Peter Pan: Wendy!
Wendy: Hey, um, y’know I knew I was wrecked, but not this wrecked!
Peter Pan: Wendy, I’m Peter. And this is Tinker Bee! [they jump off the bed] And we’ve come to take you off to the Land of the Lost Bees.
Wendy: Hey man, I’ve been wrecked before but I’ve handled it, y’know?
Peter Pan: Where you never grow up!
Wendy: Yeah, I mean I’ve been through a lot of heavy stuff, but I’ve handled it.
Peter Pan: Hey! And you can learn to fly, too!
Wendy: Oh, listen, something like this happened to me at a Dead concert once but it lasted two hours, an hour and a half, tops.
Peter Pan: Wendy, I sense you don’t believe me.
Wendy: It’s just- I mean two people come into your room late at night, tell you they’re bees, y’know, they’re gonna take you away to a land where you never grow up, you can fly it’s a little weird, that’s all, it’s just a little weird, y’know . . .
Peter Pan: Hey. You called us ‘people’, we’re not people, we’re bees!
Wendy: Yeah, right. You’re bees, and I’m Bianca Jagger and I carry a cane for no known reason.
Peter Pan: Don’t you believe in bees?
Wendy: I’d believe in peanut butter before I’d believe in bees.
Peter Pan: Oh, no, don’t say that. You’re killing Tink!
Wendy: I’m what?
Peter Pan: Tinker Bee! It kills him if people don’t believe in him!
Wendy: Hey, I need this like a moose needs a hat rack, man.
Peter Pan: Oh, Tink. Poor Tinkerbee is going fast.
Wendy: Hey, I don’t go into your room and do numbers on you, do I?
Peter Pan: Tink! You OK?
Wendy: I mean, this is really great for parties and stuff, but let’s face it, you’re not bees.
Peter Pan: Whaddya mean we’re not bees?
Wendy: You’re not bees. I mean, well, look. Can you fly?
Peter Pan: No.
Tinkerbee: Gccch, guchagggh!
Wendy: Can you pollinate?
Peter Pan: Well, I’ve never actually tried.
Wendy: Do you live in hives?
Peter Pan: Actually, I have a place over on E. 57th.
Wendy: Well then, you’re not bees! Oh, let’s face it. You’re not bees, you’re actors.
Peter Pan: Oh no!
Wendy: Yeah, man, actors. Television actors. I’ve seen you. You’re OK when you get a good concept . . .[Tinkerbee collapses.]
Peter Pan: Oh, look. You’re killing him! Oh, God, he’s practically dead already.
Wendy: Hey, I’m really sorry, but listen. This is the 70s, you know, 70s? Frye boots, yogurt, frozen yogurt? Goodbye Yellow Brick Road? I mean, kids are different now. We don’t believe in bees!
Peter Pan: Yeah, well, let me tell you something. Bees are not just little balls of yellow and white fluff that you can go around believing in or not believing in. Bees are a state of mind! I mean, they’re youth and they’re hope and they’re lightheartedness and bees are like a breath of fresh air, like a song, or a dream. Bees are like Muppets with longer contracts, you understand?
Wendy: Yeah, sort of.
Peter Pan: But if you don’t believe in bees, you don’t believe in yesterday or tomorrow! OK?
Peter Pan: So please, please believe in bees or Tinkerbee here will —
Wendy: [steps toward studio audience] Well, listen everybody. Tinkerbee here is dying and there’s only one way to save him. If you believe in bees, get up and clap your hands. That’s right![Audience claps, building volume]
Peter Pan: John, you can get up now, they’re clapping. John. John?
Wendy: [kneels] What’s wrong? That’s his cue!
Peter Pan: I don’t know. They clapped. He can’t get up.
Wendy: Come on![Tinkerbee whispers into Peter Pan’s ear]
Peter Pan: He wants a standing ovation.
Wendy: Great. [to audience] All right everybody, if you believe in bees, stand up and clap your hands![Standing ovation. Tinkerbee gets up, makes ‘gimme more’ signs to the audience]
Tinkerbee: Come on, come on, let’s go![The Booth. The director and assistant, in bee outfits, are running the board.]
Heino Ripp: The kids today, they don’t believe in anything.
Dave Wilson: It’s not like when we were growing up, Ripp. I tell you what. Roll the commercial and we’ll go to it. [Fade]
Submitted by: Susan Gleason