Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 9
Gate Agent … Laraine Newman
Businessman … Garrett Morris
Passenger … Dan Aykroyd
Security Guard … Brian Wilson
Tin Woodsman … Alan Zweibel
[A thin blonde woman picks her teeth as a man in abusiness suit approaches.]
Woman: Ticket, please. [the businessman hands her histicket] Put your hand luggage on the counter and stepthrough, please.[The businessman impatiently puts his briefcase on anearby counter and we realize we are at an airportboarding gate: the woman is a gate agent. In thebackground, a bearded, uniformed security guard standsbefore a sign reading: Trans American Airlines. Thebusinessman steps through a metal detector and setsoff a loud beeping alarm.]
Gate Agent: Step on back, sir. [the businessman comesback] Empty all metal objects into the tray and liftyour arms, please. [the businessman empties hispockets into a tray on the nearby counter: a set ofkeys on a key ring. He raises his arms and the gateagent passes a hand-held metal detecting wand over historso. The wand does not beep.]
Gate Agent: Okay. Take your things. [the businessmantakes his keys and the gate agent hands him hisbriefcase and ticket] Step right on through, sir.[Shaking his head in disbelief at this waste of hisvaluable time, the businessman walks through the largemetal detector and exits as the gate agent turns tothe next passenger, a man in a trench coat and wool cap.]
Gate Agent: Ticket, please. [passenger hands her histicket] Put your hand luggage on the counter, please.[passenger puts a bag on the counter, the securityguard rifles through it] Step through, please.[passenger walks through the large metal detectorwhich beeps loudly] Step right back here, sir.[passenger returns] Please empty all metal objectsinto the metal tray and lift your arms. [passengerputs his watch, a ring, and a metal tie clip into thetray and lifts his arms. The gate agent passes thewand over his body. It makes a weird beeping sound.]You still have metal on you somewhere, sir.
Passenger: Okay! Okay, I’ve got some keys and, uh, Ihave a knife. [pulls a set of keys and a pocketknifefrom his pocket and drops them in the tray]
Gate Agent: Okay, lift your arms, please. [passengerraises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it beepsweirdly] I’m sorry, sir, you still have some metal on you.
Passenger: All right. Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine.[pulls more metal items from pockets and drops them intray, quickly the tray overflows and the items spillonto the counter] I got it. Don’t– [more small itemsbut then increasingly larger ones] I know, I know.You’re just doing your job. I know.
Gate Agent: That’s right, sir.[Now, the passenger holds the pocket of his trenchcoat over the counter and metal objects noisily pourout of it — the counter and floor are littered withnuts, bolts, keys, silverware, etc. The passengercontinues to pull out larger and larger objects hiddenabout his person: square metal plates, a wrench, a bigvise. Finally, he finishes and gestures to the gateagent.]
Gate Agent: Lift your arms, please. [passenger raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it beeps weirdly, gate agent gets annoyed] I’m sorry, I’m still getting a beep.
Passenger: [upset and angry] OKAY!!! [strips off histrenchcoat and lets it fall to the floor] You peopleare always so thorough! But when something REALLYhappens — [pulls off his necktie] when you’re REALLYneeded — you’re the LAST ONES TO KNOW ABOUT IT![strips off his shirt to reveal a metal collarpadlocked to his neck with chains running from thecollar down his bare torso – he tries to remove thecollar but his shirt gets in the way – he fumbles withthe shirt then frustratedly gives up on the collar -petulantly] I can’t take my collar off today! [thegate agent helpfully picks up a key from the floor andgives it to him but he takes it and throws it down onthe counter] That’s not the key. That’s another one! ILOVE METAL! I NEED METAL!
Gate Agent: You should have thought of that when yougot dressed. Okay, sir.
Passenger: Can I go?!
Gate Agent: [sighs] Lift your arms one more time.[passenger raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, itbeeps weirdly – the gate agent and passenger stare atone another silently for a moment, then:]
Passenger: ALL RIIIIIGHT! [pulls off his wool cap toreveal a solid metal cap molded to fit his head, hepulls it off with an effort and puts it on thecounter]
Gate Agent: [finally satisfied] All right, sir. Takeyour things.[Passenger picks his trenchcoat up from the floor anduses it to collect most of the metal objects from thecounter. Hunched over, his arms full of metal wrappedin the trenchcoat, he exits.]
Gate Agent: [deep sigh, hand on hip, gesturing to thedeparting passenger, speaking to no one in particular]Sometimes it’s like they make it hard on me onpurpose. [turns to the next passenger] Ticket, please.[the next passenger turns out to be the Tin Woodsmanfrom the 1939 film version of “The Wizard of Oz” – hehands her his ticket] Oh! Thank you, Tin Woodsman! Goright on through. [The Tin Woodsman passes through themetal detector and, of course, sets it off – he turnsto the gate agent who waves him on] Oh, go ahead, TinWoodsman, it’s all right. [The Tin Woodsman nods andexits – the gate agent turns to other passengers]
Security Guard: [to himself] The Tin Woodsman? Thatwas the Tin Woodsman? I should have asked him for hisautograph.