Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 9
Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tales
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Mr. Mike…..Michael O’Donaghue
[ open on Mr. Mike sitting solemnly in his director’s chair – Jodie Fosterruns up ]
Jodie Foster: Oh, Mr. Mike, Mr. Mike! Please tell me aLeast-Loved Bedtime Story!
Mr. Mike: Well, sure thing, you little imp! Just hop up here onmy knee, and I’ll tell you the story of “The Little Train That Died”.[ Jodie hops up ]
Okay, now.. “One time, there was a little train who hadto pull a giant load of scrap metal up the mountain. He had never pulled such a heavy load in his life, and so when he left the valley, his little wheels said, ‘I hope I can. I hope I can. I hope I can. I hope I can.’ But, before long, he picked up speed and his little wheels said, ‘I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.’ Soon, the little train was whizzing right up the mountain, and now the wheels said, ‘I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! Heart attack! Heart attack! Heart attack! Heart attack! Oh, my God, the pain! Oh, my God, the pain! Oh, my God, the pain! I left my pills in the roundhouse!! I left my pills in the roundhouse!!‘ And he died.
Now, normally, little Jodie, that would be the end of the story,but the little train was on the mountain – on an incline – and it began to roll backwards, slowly at first, of course.. but it got faster and faster, until he was just barreling down the mountain, his wheels just barely on the tracks.. of course, he didn’t say anything this time, because he was dead. Now, in the valley, who should be sitting on the tracks – Freddy the Frog, and wouldn’t you know? He’s facing the wrong way, so he never sees the train coming at him at 180 miles an hour. Fortunately, Freddy hops off the tracks just in time, and the train misses him, hitting, instead, a school bus, killing 150 – no one over the age of 9. Now, when the state police arrive at the scene, one of them looks around at the carnage and grizzly mutilation spots and says, “You know, it’s wrong that so many human beings should be dead, and this frog should still be alive. And so, they beat him to death with a softball bat. The end.”
Jodie Foster: Oh, Mr. Mike, Mr. Mike, that was the besttale I ever heard!
Mr. Mike: Well, you know, Jodie, I have a lot more where thatcame from.. [ to audience ] ..uh, goodnight! [ to Jodie ] Have you heard the one about the penguin, the soapdish, and invisible cowgirl? Well, it seems that..[ fade to black as Mr. Mike tells the story in private ]