Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 9
I’m Not Black
[ open in the middle of an argument between black husband and his white wife ]
Husband: [ filling up a glass of something strong ] What could be that awful that you can’t even say it?
Wife: Well, it’s.. it’s.. just that you’ve always trusted me.. married six years, and you’ve never had any reason to doubt me..
Husband: Oh, God! [ sits down next to her ] For God’s sake, just say it! Say it!
Wife: Okay. It is 1976, and we’re both modern people..
Husband: [ groaning ] Plea-ea-ease..
Wife: Richard, nothing’s gonna change. I’m still gonna be the same woman I was..
Husband: What is it?
Wife: [ reluctant ] I’m not black.
Husband: [ stunned ] What?
Wife: I’m not black!
Husband: [ greatly confused ] But.. but the very first night we met, your first words to me: “Boy, it sure is fun being Negro!”
Wife: So I said it, so what? Nobody means what they say in those singles bars!
Husband: But what about all that stuff about how you’re constantly being mistaken for Diana Ross?
Wife: You agreed with me! You even said I had to gain weight!
Husband: And I guess your real name isn’t really Jemima, is it?
Wife: That part was true.
Husband: Well, thanks for the intro. You know, when you’re married to someone, it’s always nice to know their name.
Wife: You know, it’s funny.. I never thought I’d have to tell you. I always thought that you knew, somehow..
Husband: Well, how could I? You kept it so well hidden.
Wife: But there were clues! So many times, I thought you’d guess. Like that time you caught me with my family portrait and all those crayons?
Wife: And the time you saw my birth certificate with the word “Not” penciled in above “Caucasian”?
Wife: And, then there’s my fear of Sickle Cell Anemia.
Husband: What about it?
Wife: I have no fear of Sickle Cell Anemia!
Husband: Oh. Well, what about those Christmas cards – six years of Christmas cards signed “Your cousin, Little Anthony.”
Wife: Didn’t you ever wonder why he never used his last name? Imean, do you really think that Little Anthony calls himself “Little Anthony”?
Husband: Well, I don’t know.. I don’t go around thinking about what Little Anthony calls himself very much..
Wife: Look, I’m white, Richard. White! You know, cute little button nose.. suntan lines.. refers to blacks as “Them”!
Husband: [ in denial ] No! Stop! God, I feel like such a fool..
Wife: Richard, the bottoms of my feet are the same shade as the top! Do you understand that?! You haven’t been a fool. You’ve been in love, and love is blind.
Husband: [ kisses his wife, as he starts to reach acceptance ] I guess this explains why you never got that afro, huh? [ she nods ] Well, it does come as a shock, honey.. but it’s not so bad. It doesn’t change you, and it doesn’t change me..
Husband: Plus, it will really please my mother and father to hear this.. I mean, you know how white parents are.
Wife: And white husbands, too. I married one, didn’t I? [ laughs ]
Husband: Yeah. What’s for dinner?
Wife: Ribs.[ they laugh as the scene zooms out ]