SNL Transcripts: Jodie Foster: 11/27/76: I’m Not Black


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

I’m Not Black

Husband…..Garrett Morris
Wife…..Jane Curtin

[ open in the middle of an argument between black husband and his white wife ]

Husband: [ filling up a glass of something strong ] What could be that awful that you can’t even say it?

Wife: Well, it’s.. it’s.. just that you’ve always trusted me.. married six years, and you’ve never had any reason to doubt me..

Husband: Oh, God! [ sits down next to her ] For God’s sake, just say it! Say it!

Wife: Okay. It is 1976, and we’re both modern people..

Husband: [ groaning ] Plea-ea-ease..

Wife: Richard, nothing’s gonna change. I’m still gonna be the same woman I was..

Husband: What is it?

Wife: [ reluctant ] I’m not black.

Husband: [ stunned ] What?

Wife: I’m not black!

Husband: [ greatly confused ] But.. but the very first night we met, your first words to me: “Boy, it sure is fun being Negro!”

Wife: So I said it, so what? Nobody means what they say in those singles bars!

Husband: But what about all that stuff about how you’re constantly being mistaken for Diana Ross?

Wife: You agreed with me! You even said I had to gain weight!

Husband: And I guess your real name isn’t really Jemima, is it?

Wife: That part was true.

Husband: Well, thanks for the intro. You know, when you’re married to someone, it’s always nice to know their name.

Wife: You know, it’s funny.. I never thought I’d have to tell you. I always thought that you knew, somehow..

Husband: Well, how could I? You kept it so well hidden.

Wife: But there were clues! So many times, I thought you’d guess. Like that time you caught me with my family portrait and all those crayons?

Husband: Well..

Wife: And the time you saw my birth certificate with the word “Not” penciled in above “Caucasian”?

Husband: Well..

Wife: And, then there’s my fear of Sickle Cell Anemia.

Husband: What about it?

Wife: I have no fear of Sickle Cell Anemia!

Husband: Oh. Well, what about those Christmas cards – six years of Christmas cards signed “Your cousin, Little Anthony.”

Wife: Didn’t you ever wonder why he never used his last name? Imean, do you really think that Little Anthony calls himself “Little Anthony”?

Husband: Well, I don’t know.. I don’t go around thinking about what Little Anthony calls himself very much..

Wife: Look, I’m white, Richard. White! You know, cute little button nose.. suntan lines.. refers to blacks as “Them”!

Husband: [ in denial ] No! Stop! God, I feel like such a fool..

Wife: Richard, the bottoms of my feet are the same shade as the top! Do you understand that?! You haven’t been a fool. You’ve been in love, and love is blind.

Husband: [ kisses his wife, as he starts to reach acceptance ] I guess this explains why you never got that afro, huh? [ she nods ] Well, it does come as a shock, honey.. but it’s not so bad. It doesn’t change you, and it doesn’t change me..

Wife: Great!

Husband: Plus, it will really please my mother and father to hear this.. I mean, you know how white parents are.

Wife: And white husbands, too. I married one, didn’t I? [ laughs ]

Husband: Yeah. What’s for dinner?

Wife: Ribs.

[ they laugh as the scene zooms out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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