Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 9
Rovco’s Puberty Helper
… Jodie Foster
Pitchman … Dan Aykroyd
Jodie Foster: [addresses the camera] Hi. I’m JodieFoster and, if you’re like me, you’re going throughthose awkward years between thirteen and eighteen wheneverything seems wrong. Believe me, as cute as I am, Iknow how it feels to hate your body and wish you couldtrade it in for somebody else’s. That’s why I’m gladthat I discovered Puberty Helper. [pull back to revealthat Jodie stands behind a table upon which are acouple of large smiley faces and examples of theproduct, one of which Jodie holds up to the camera] Sowhy not try it — before it’s too late — and you findout how lame you are?[A pitchman enters and begins his spiel as Jodiecovers herself with the product and then exits: thePuberty Helper is simply a large brown bag with holescut in it for her arms, eyes and mouth — and a hugesmiley face on the front.]
Pitchman: Jodie’s right, guys and gals! What you needat this age is Rovco’s amazing new Puberty Helper.Just one single application is enough to cover a fullfive years of agony. Avoid potentially damagingadolescent trauma. Look neat, feel sharp through whatpsychiatrists term the “insecurity-prone years.”Guaranteed to work or your money back. Now, watchRovco’s Puberty Helper in action.[Dissolve to Jodie in a school hallway. She removesbooks from a locker and shyly confers with anotherstudent. Both wear the Puberty Helper.]
Jodie Foster: Oh. Hi.
Student: H-hi, yourself.
Jodie Foster: Who do you have for math this year?
Student: Mr. Novak.
Jodie Foster: I have Mr. Kotter.
Student: Oh, I – I didn’t even know he was back. MaybeI’ll switch.[Dissolve back to the pitchman who holds up theproduct and addresses the camera with a rapid spiel assuperimposed text repeats his words:]
Pitchman: Try Puberty Helper today and avoid theheartbreak of straight hair, curly hair, pimples,blackheads, zits, all kinds of skin eruptions, nerdyclothes your mother made you buy, physicalawkwardness, bra straps showing, safety pins in yourbra straps showing, too pointy elbows, slept on yourrollers, blushing, retainers on your teeth, gum onyour skirt, not having pierced ears when everybodyelse has them, gangliness, the look of embarrassingpads, pins and belts, shirt won’t stay tucked in, whenyou don’t know you have a booger, some stuff you goton you in a cafeteria accident, tucking your skirtinto the waistband of your underwear, frequentnosebleeds, embarrassing bulges in the chest area, noembarrassing bulges in the chest area, needing toshave, not needing to shave, and pregnancy! Yes, it’sthe amazing new Puberty Helper from Rovco. And allthis for just forty-nine ninety-five! That’s right –only forty-nine ninety-five! Write to Puberty Helper,care of Rovco, Box 23, Loss Leader, New Jersey. Yourhormones will be glad you did.