SNL Transcripts: Jodie Foster: 11/27/76: Jodie’s Teacher

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Jodie’s Teacher

Jodie…..Jodie Foster
Teacher…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open in Teacher’s classroom, last day of Junior High ]

Jodie: But, anyway, I can hardly believe that it’s the last day of Junior High.. I mean, the last day of 9th grade! Like, all day long I kept thinking, this is the last time I’ll be doing certain things; this is the last time I’ll go to this locker; this is the last time I’ll get up from this desk; this is the last time I’ll look at that clock. Until, finally, at the end of the day, I said, “This is the last time I’ll be thinking this is the last time I’ll be doing something.”

Teacher: Yeah?

Jodie: Yeah. I mean, thinking about things like that can really drive a person crazy, you know?

Teacher: Mmm-hmm..

Jodie: I could be thinking that this is the last time I’ll be able to talk to Mr. Davis after class, like I’ve done every day for a year! But I’m not, I’m not gonna get driven crazy, you know?

Teacher: You’re leaning on my attendance forms.

Jodie: Oh. Sorry. [ raises herself ] Anyway, I’m not thinking about that. I’m not thinking about this may very well be the last time I’ll be able to come into this class and talk to you.

Teacher: What are you thinking about?

Jodie: Well, I’m thinking about, if I kind of squint my eyes and make everything kind of blurry, you look like Peter Frampton with short hair.

Teacher: Oh, really?

Jodie: Yeah! But I’m not thinking about how I’m never again, probably never again, gonna get to come into your room after school and talk to you about life.

Teacher: Well.. you’ll have other people to talk about life with, won’t you?

Jodie: Oh, the other people I know don’t want to talk about life. They think that life is boring!

Teacher: Oh, really?

Jodie: Yeah, I think life is really interesting.. because, after all, the most important thing in life, is life.

Teacher: Right.

Jodie: And, now that I won’t see you again, I’ll just have to get out of the habit of talking about it.

Teacher: Well..

Jodie: I’ll miss you!

Teacher: Jodie, uh..

Jodie: I miss you already!

Teacher: Jodie, I really have to get out of here, you know..?

Jodie: Good old life!

Teacher: Yeah..

Jodie: Yeah. Oh, Mr. Davis, before you go out, I also wanted to tell you I thought that was really funny when you stuck that ruler in your ear today.

Teacher: Oh? Thanks a lot.

Jodie: I know a lot of people didn’t laugh. But I think that they don’t understand you like I do. They don’t appreciate your sense of humor, like I do.

Teacher: Oh?

Jodie: Yeah, like, a lot of people can go up, bang, stick a ruler in their ear, who cares, who know? Nobody laughs. You, who I personally know, cares deeply about life, well.. when you stick a ruler in your ear – it’s funny!

Teacher: Jodie, you’ve been a terrific student. [ starts to walk out of his classroom ]

Jodie: Yeah! Listen, I also wanted to tell you that you’re my favorite teacher I’ve ever had, by the way.

Teacher: Well.. that’s very nice of you to say..

Jodie: Yeah! ‘Cause you’re the kind of teacher that acts kind of regular, you know? Doesn’t act real teacherish.

Teacher: Uh-huh..

Jodie: Plus, like, I heard you say “Damn” in the supply closet the other day. But, don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody. When I heard you say “Damn”, I knew that I could be frank with you about lots of stuff.

Teacher: Well, thanks very much..

Jodie: Yeah! Plus, I wrote this poem in the 5th period study hall, when I got sick of signing yearbooks, because I could never get my signature the same way twice. It’s about you. You can tell by the title – it’s called “Mr. Davis”, it’s about you being a Biology teacher and everything.

Teacher: [ reading ] Okay. “Likes frogs, likes snakes, doesn’t like pains, doesn’t like aches.”

Jodie: Oh, well.. I’m really sorry, I mean.. I didn’t know that you didn’t like pains and aches. I mean, for all I know, you’re crazy about pains and aches. I just figured, from knowing you as a person, that you didn’t like them, is that true?

Teacher: Well, yeah.. that’s true. [ reads more ] “Likes bugs, germs, too. And when they die, he goes ‘Boo-hoo’.”

Jodie: Oh! Listen, I really didn’t mean that you said “Boo-hoo” or anything! What I really meant was that you were really sad, but sad didn’t rhyme. Don’t worry, don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.

Teacher: Sad because germs died?

Jodie: Yes!

Teacher: [ reading more ] “Is married, has kids, but for certain people, makes them flip their lids.” “Certain people” here is underlined.

Jodie: Yeah, well.. pretty straight line for no ruler, huh?

Teacher: And it’s got a lot of big red stars around it.

Jodie: Oh, well, you know me. When I get a red felt tip pen in my hand, I just get carried away.

Teacher: A lot of arrows here, too.

Jodie: Yeah, but only five arrows. I wouldn’t call five arrows a lot of arrows.

Teacher: Well, thank you, Jodie.

Jodie: I call ten arrows a lot of arrows! Five arrows is definitely not a lot of arrows!

Teacher: Bye, Jodie. [ kisses her forehead and walks away ]

Jodie: Goodbye, Regis. [ he stops ] Oh. I’m sorry, I just wanted to say that once before we left, you know? Can I write you over the summer?

Teacher: Sure.

Jodie: Yeah, yeah, right! I’ll write you over the summer!

Teacher: Okay.

Jodie: Yeah, it’ll give me a chance to practice my signature!

Teacher: Alright. [ finally exits classroom ]

Jodie: [ alone, thinking ] I think I can get it the same way twice..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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