SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/11/76

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10


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December 11th, 1976

Candice Bergen

Frank Zappa

None

Joe Dicso

Lorne Michaels

Diana Nyad

Tom Schiller

Neil Levy
Patty Hearst at HomeSummary: Patty Hearst (Gilda Radner) spends Christmas with her family after her release from prison.

Recurring Characters: Patty Hearst.

Transcript

Montage

Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: Candice Bergen hides in her dressing room after being misled by John Belushi’s charms. Belushi dons his Bogart fedora to lure Bergen out with a promise that they’ll “always have Paris.”

Transcript

Carter’s PromisesSummary: Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) admits that he can’t keep the promises he made before the election.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Santi-WrapSummary: While waiting in line to see a drunken Santa Claus (John Belushi) at the mall, Dan Aykroyd demonstrates the sanitary tissue Laraine Newman should use before sitting on Santa’s knee.

Transcript

Frank Zappa performs “I’m The Slime”

Consumer ProbeSummary: Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd) defends Bag O’Glass and other unsafe Christmas toys distributed by his industry.

Recurring Characters: Irwin Mainway.

Transcript

K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.

Right To Extreme Stupidity LeagueSummary: After catching flack from Fern (Candice Bergen), Lisa (Gilda Radner) defends her right to be stupid.

Note: Candice Bergen gets the names of her and Gilda’s characters confused, which caused her to shamelessly laugh through the entire sketch.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Jane Curtin’s husband (Tom Schiller) begs her to quit work and come back home. Ray Basalt (Dan Aykroyd) gives a holiday radioactive fallout report. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) proclaims that she’s against collecting money for “Unisex.”

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

FX-70 Cheese SlicerSummary: Candice Bergen dispenses slices of cheese with her Polaroid camera.

Note: At the time, Candice Bergen was the spokesperson for Polaroid’s SX-70 Land Camera, and the company was displeased by her participation in this ad parody.

Transcript

Frank Zappa performs “LagoonRecurring Characters: Futaba.

The Killer TreesSummary: A detective (Dan Aykroyd) and Lt. Steve Bushakis (John Belushi) lead the search for a killer tree.

Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis.

Transcript

Diana NyadSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Diana Nyad’s students talk about her as she trains.

Transcript

Adopt Belushi for ChristmasSummary: Because John Belushi’s girlfriend has kicked him out of their apartment, Candice Bergen puts the word out that he’s looking for a place to stay over the holidays.

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Let’s Kill Gary Gilmore For ChristmasSummary: Wanting to honor serial killer Gary Gilmore’s wishes, the cast deliver a poignant Christmas ditty in his honor.

Transcript

Frank Zappa performs “Peaches & Regalia”

Goodnights

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