SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 09/25/76: Adopt Belushi For Christmas

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Adopt Belushi For Christmas

Written by: Rosie Shuster and Steve Shuster

… Candice Bergen
… John Belushi

[Host Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmedChristmas tree at home base and addresses the camera.]

Candice Bergen: Well, it’s the last show beforeChristmas and, after it’s over, we’ll probably all goout and celebrate before heading our separate ways forthe holidays. Gilda’s going home to Detroit, Danny upto Canada, Laraine to Los Angeles, Jane’ll stay herewith Patrick, and, I guess, Garrett’ll be going backto Africa. … Yes, everybody’s going home. [walksover to John Belushi, seated on a stool nearby smokinga cigarette, and puts her hands on his shoulders.]Everybody — except for Belushi.

Now, we all want to help John but then we’ve allhelped him so much already: putting him up, talkingover his problems with him, lending him money. So now,it’s your turn to help. And, believe me, if you likegood acting and you just plain get off on good vibes,then here’s an offer you just can’t refuse. SaturdayNight proudly announces the Adopt Belushi forChristmas contest. … Write in immediately and stateyour case in twenty words or less why you are theideal family to adopt Belushi for Christmas. With hisswarthy good looks, John will appear right at home inany family with a depressed European background. …John’s had all of his shots, he’s an eager eater, plushe comes with his own attractive wardrobe whichincludes a Kahoutek T-shirt. Let Belushi share hismany stories and songs with the kiddies. [Bergenexits]

John Belushi: [sings, not very well]Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
[speaks, into camera]Hi! I’m John Belushi! Ah, but you can call me”Beloosh,” just like my close personal friend ChevyChase does. … You know, it’s corny but – but I loveChristmas. Hey, I’d love to sit around the yule logand – play with your daughter. … Actually, I’m notdoing much this Christmas. Uh, anyway, how ’boutdinner? I’m not fussy. I’d like some candied yams,some plum pudding, a roast goose stuffed with drugs…. Uh, quadraphonic sound system would be real nice.And maybe I could use a car – if you’ve got one, anice brand new car. If you’ve got a fifteen year oldgirl, of course, that’d be nice. Fourteen, I don’tcare. Sixteen. Nice girl.

Candice Bergen: [returns, puts hands onBelushi’s shoulders] So, if you think you’re thatspecial American family, why not write to: [SUPER:]ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS care of SATURDAY NIGHT,Box 409, New York 10019. Runners-up will receive apersonal phone call from Don Pardo. Come on, what doyou say? [hugs Belushi]

John Belushi: [waves] Hi, Mom and Dad!

[Applause. Belushi raises his eyebrows, then kissesBergen as we push forward and fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

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