Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 10
76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa
FX-70 Cheese Slicer
… Candice Bergen
Johnny … John Belushi
[Parody of a 1970s Polaroid ad – Western music -Candice Bergen holds what appears to be an instantcamera as we pull back to reveal Johnny, a kid in acowboy outfit.]
Candice Bergen: Okay, Johnny, what do yousay?
Johnny: [smiles] Cheeeeese!
[Candice points the “camera” at Johnny and presses abutton – the “camera” whirs and a slice of processedyellow cheese emerges from the slot where one wouldexpect to see an instant photo]
Candice Bergen: Got it! [hands the cheese sliceto Johnny who happily unwraps and eats it] Anotherperfect slice of processed cheese! And look at thatcolor! It turns from mild to sharp in sixty seconds!
[Dissolve to a table laden with cheeseburgers,cheese-covered pie slices, etc. Over this, two handshold the “camera” with a slice of cheese sticking outof it]
Candice Bergen: The new FX-70 Cheese Slicer andprocessed cheese cartridges. [SUPER: $69.95] Onlysixty-nine ninety-five for all your cheese needs.
[Dissolve back to Candice and Johnny.]
Candice Bergen: Hey! What do you say?
Offscreen Children’s Voices: [as Johnny holdsup his cheese slice] Cheeeeese!
[Candice points the “camera” at Johnny who grinsmischievously and raises an eyebrow at her. Applause -fade.]
Submitted Anonymously
