SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/11/76: Let’s Kill Gary Gilmore For Christmas


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Let’s Kill Gary Gilmore For Christmas

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

… Candice Bergen
… Gilda Radner
… Dan Aykroyd
… Jane Curtin
… John Belushi
… Laraine Newman
… Garrett Morris

[Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmedChristmas tree at home base and addresses the camera.]

Candice Bergen: One night this July, GaryGilmore killed a Utah service station attendant andthe next night he shot a twenty-five year old studenttwice in the head. He was convicted of the secondmurder and sentenced to death. Gilmore requested thatthe sentence be carried out by firing squad. Prisonofficials were flooded with calls with peoplevolunteering to shoot Gilmore, a job which pays ahundred and twenty-five dollars. Gilmore’s lawyer isnegotiating with publishers and motion picture studiosfor book and movie rights and there has been a cry forpublic execution. [holds up a New York Post with alarge front page headline: The Gilmore Ruling: KILLHIM] All three networks have asked permission to filmthe event and, if permission is not granted, thenthere’s talk of filming the execution, from adirigible, helicopter or hang glider. And so it’s inthis spirit that Saturday Night has prepared a veryspecial Christmas song.

[As the music begins, we dissolve to the giantChristmas tree at Rockefeller Center and then to aclose-up of Gilda Radner, her hair and face peltedwith artificial snow, as she sings:]

Gilda Radner:
There’s a little guy in Utah with a single ChristmaswishFor one special thing that can’t be substitutedDoesn’t want to get electric trains, get toys or getpet fishAll he really wants to get is executed

[Dissolve wide to take in the rest of the cast,dressed in holiday sweaters amid falling snow, womenin the front row, men in back. Everyone sings:]

So let’s kill Gary Gilmore for Christmas
Let’s hang him from atop the Christmas tree
Let’s give to him the only gift that money can’tbuy
Put poison in his egg nog, let him drink it, watch himdie

[Dan Aykroyd talks while the others hum softly:]

Dan Aykroyd:
Let’s throw another yule log on the fire
And then let’s throw Gary Gilmore on there too
With a ribbon so gay and a card that will say
“Dear Gary, Merry Christmas to you”

Jane, Laraine, Gilda:
In the meadow, we can build a snowman
One with Gary Gilmore packed inside

John, Garrett, Dan:
We’ll say “Are you dead yet?” He’ll say “No, man”

But we’ll wait out the frostbite till he dies

I’ve one Christmas wish

Jane, Laraine, John, Garrett, Dan:
Just ask it

Please put Gary in a casket

So let’s toll the silver bells for him
While he can still hear what they say
Ding dong ding dong
You’re dead, so long
We can thrill Gary Gilmore
If we kill Gary Gilmore
On this Christmas Day

[Dissolve back to the Rockefeller Center Christmastree.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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