SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/11/76: Patty Hearst At Home

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Patty Hearst At Home

Catherine Campbell…..Jane Curtin
Anne Hearst…..Laraine Newman
Patty Hearst…..Gilda Radner
Randolph Hearst…..Dan Aykroyd
Franklin the Butler…..Garrett Morris
KNOO Anchor…..John Belushi

[ open on the Hearst Family sitting around the TV playing a game of Scrabble ]

Catherine Campbell: Oh, Patty, I’m so happy you didn’t have to spend the holidays in that awful prison.

Anne Hearst: Me, too, Sis!

Patty Hearst: Well… I’m very thankful.

Catherine Campbell: We have so much to be thankful for: the worst is over, you’re home…

Randolph Hearst: And we’re still rich!

[ the family laughs ]

Randolph Hearst: Oh, now look at that — we got “shelter” on the board here, so… [ he picks up his letters and places them on the board ] T… A… X. “Taxshelter”. Triple-word score on the “X” — that’s 44 points!

Catherine Campbell: Very good, Randy. Now, let’s see. That’s Father… [ totals the scores ] 391… Mother, 304… Ann, you have 217… and, Patty, 37.Well, I’m not very good at Scrabble.

Anne Hearst: You should try for longer words, Patty. I mean, “pig” and “gun” aren’t gonna get you many points.

Catherine Campbell: Go ahead, honey — it’s your turn.

Patty Hearst: [ sighs ] Okay. [ she places her letters down ] There.

Anne Hearst: [ frowns ] What’s that word supposed to be?

Patty Hearst: “Slaw”. Like in “cole slaw”.

Anne Hearst: You don’t spell “slaw” “S-L-A”! Cheater!

Patty Hearst: Oh, you! Stop it!

[ Anne and Patty begin to slap one another ]

Randolph Hearst: Oh, now — come on, girls! There, there… really! Now, Anne, Patty’s not cheating — she’s just confused.

Anne Hearst: [ angry ] Oh, Patty’s CONFUSED! It’s always “Patty this” and “Patty that” Well, you want to know who the REAL victim is? ME!! ME!! ME!!

[ Patty throws the Scrabble board at Anne ]

Randolph Hearst: Come on, girls! Please!

[ Franklin the Butler enters with a tray of egg nog ]

Franklin the Butler: Here comes Miss Patty’s favorite: Egg Nog a la Franklin.

Patty Hearst: Thank you, Franklin!

Franklin the Butler: You’re welcome, Miss Hearst.

[ everyone grabs a cup of egg nog ]

Patty Hearst: Mmm, this is good.

Catherine Campbell: Thank you very much, Franklin.

Franklin the Butler: Yes.

Patty Hearst: Oh, Franklin? Do you feel exploited by my family?

Franklin the Butler: [ hesitant to answer ] Uhhhh — why, no, Miss Hearst… I don’t feel exploited.

Randolph Hearst: [ pleased ] Franklin, take next week off — you deserve it.

Franklin the Butler: Thank you, sir.

[ Franklin exits ]

Catherine Campbell: Why don’t we put away the Scrabble game, and just relax with some TV?

Randolph Hearst: Good idea! Let’s escape into the TV!

[ Randolph uses the remote control to turn on the TV — “S.W.A.T.” is playing ]

Announcer: Tonight, on “S.W.A.T.”: A wealthy newspaper heiress is kidnapped by a radical terrorist group, ransomed for a China doll —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel, where “Hawaii 5-0” plays ]

Announcer: A kidnap victim becomes the unwitting accomplice in a bank robbery, on: “Hawaii 5-0” —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel ]

Announcer V/O: Tonight, on “Cinema Classics”: Orson Welles’ immortal “Citizen Kane” —

[ Randolph rapidly clicks through a series of channels, stopping on a news report ]

KNOO Anchor: We at KNOO feel that Patty has been exploited by the media. Where is the decency that should be afforded this young girl who has undergone —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel ] [ a live shot of the Hearst Family sitting in their living room appears on the screen ]

Catherine Campbell: What show is this?

[ return to the Hearst Family sitting in their living room ]

Patty Hearst: [ excited ] Oh! It’s “NBC’s Saturday Night” — it’s my favorite show! I used to watch it all the time in prison, I can always depend on it being tasteful! Oh! Here’s my favorite part, where they say:

[ cut to Patty on the TV screen ]

Patty Hearst: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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