SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/11/76: Patty Hearst At Home


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Patty Hearst At Home

Catherine Campbell…..Jane Curtin
Anne Hearst…..Laraine Newman
Patty Hearst…..Gilda Radner
Randolph Hearst…..Dan Aykroyd
Franklin the Butler…..Garrett Morris
KNOO Anchor…..John Belushi

[ open on the Hearst Family sitting around the TV playing a game of Scrabble ]

Catherine Campbell: Oh, Patty, I’m so happy you didn’t have to spend the holidays in that awful prison.

Anne Hearst: Me, too, Sis!

Patty Hearst: Well… I’m very thankful.

Catherine Campbell: We have so much to be thankful for: the worst is over, you’re home…

Randolph Hearst: And we’re still rich!

[ the family laughs ]

Randolph Hearst: Oh, now look at that — we got “shelter” on the board here, so… [ he picks up his letters and places them on the board ] T… A… X. “Taxshelter”. Triple-word score on the “X” — that’s 44 points!

Catherine Campbell: Very good, Randy. Now, let’s see. That’s Father… [ totals the scores ] 391… Mother, 304… Ann, you have 217… and, Patty, 37.Well, I’m not very good at Scrabble.

Anne Hearst: You should try for longer words, Patty. I mean, “pig” and “gun” aren’t gonna get you many points.

Catherine Campbell: Go ahead, honey — it’s your turn.

Patty Hearst: [ sighs ] Okay. [ she places her letters down ] There.

Anne Hearst: [ frowns ] What’s that word supposed to be?

Patty Hearst: “Slaw”. Like in “cole slaw”.

Anne Hearst: You don’t spell “slaw” “S-L-A”! Cheater!

Patty Hearst: Oh, you! Stop it!

[ Anne and Patty begin to slap one another ]

Randolph Hearst: Oh, now — come on, girls! There, there… really! Now, Anne, Patty’s not cheating — she’s just confused.

Anne Hearst: [ angry ] Oh, Patty’s CONFUSED! It’s always “Patty this” and “Patty that” Well, you want to know who the REAL victim is? ME!! ME!! ME!!

[ Patty throws the Scrabble board at Anne ]

Randolph Hearst: Come on, girls! Please!

[ Franklin the Butler enters with a tray of egg nog ]

Franklin the Butler: Here comes Miss Patty’s favorite: Egg Nog a la Franklin.

Patty Hearst: Thank you, Franklin!

Franklin the Butler: You’re welcome, Miss Hearst.

[ everyone grabs a cup of egg nog ]

Patty Hearst: Mmm, this is good.

Catherine Campbell: Thank you very much, Franklin.

Franklin the Butler: Yes.

Patty Hearst: Oh, Franklin? Do you feel exploited by my family?

Franklin the Butler: [ hesitant to answer ] Uhhhh — why, no, Miss Hearst… I don’t feel exploited.

Randolph Hearst: [ pleased ] Franklin, take next week off — you deserve it.

Franklin the Butler: Thank you, sir.

[ Franklin exits ]

Catherine Campbell: Why don’t we put away the Scrabble game, and just relax with some TV?

Randolph Hearst: Good idea! Let’s escape into the TV!

[ Randolph uses the remote control to turn on the TV — “S.W.A.T.” is playing ]

Announcer: Tonight, on “S.W.A.T.”: A wealthy newspaper heiress is kidnapped by a radical terrorist group, ransomed for a China doll —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel, where “Hawaii 5-0” plays ]

Announcer: A kidnap victim becomes the unwitting accomplice in a bank robbery, on: “Hawaii 5-0” —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel ]

Announcer V/O: Tonight, on “Cinema Classics”: Orson Welles’ immortal “Citizen Kane” —

[ Randolph rapidly clicks through a series of channels, stopping on a news report ]

KNOO Anchor: We at KNOO feel that Patty has been exploited by the media. Where is the decency that should be afforded this young girl who has undergone —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel ] [ a live shot of the Hearst Family sitting in their living room appears on the screen ]

Catherine Campbell: What show is this?

[ return to the Hearst Family sitting in their living room ]

Patty Hearst: [ excited ] Oh! It’s “NBC’s Saturday Night” — it’s my favorite show! I used to watch it all the time in prison, I can always depend on it being tasteful! Oh! Here’s my favorite part, where they say:

[ cut to Patty on the TV screen ]

Patty Hearst: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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